The Accidental Mediator
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
Have you ever been caught between 2 parties in a conflict and, even though it had nothing to do with you, you found yourself trying to get it resolved so you could get on with what you needed to do?
This happens regularly to real estate agents, project managers, general contractors, managers, HR Professionals etc. Try listing a house when the owners are in the middle of an acrimonious separation or divorce… Or try juggling the multiple wants, needs and expectations of all the players in a major project… Or try to help employees resolve conflict while still getting the work done and meeting the expectations of the employer… Any one of these scenarios can easily become crazy-making!
So how can you help keep things on track – both for the benefit of the parties in conflict but also to save your own sanity… and get the job done! A few tips:
Think before you start:
1. Talk to the people involved and encourage them to try to work it out on their own…
2. Be objectively honest with yourself about why you are stepping in… a need to get things moving, concern for the other people, for your own agenda or a desire to be the ‘hero’?
3. Keep that objective honesty going as you assess what you need to have happen… and what you think they need to have happen… and what the implications are if it fails…
4. Ask permission (at least informally) of the group involved to try to help - you need a mandate from them in order to do anything more than ask a few questions.
5. Work with them to set a time and place for the discussion (neutral territory is a good start…).
Tips for keeping things moving
1. Set clear guidelines for the discussion. Use them to bring the discussion back on track if it is getting heated. You can also remind people what you are trying to accomplish and the positive and negative potential consequences for doing / not doing it.
2. Give people a chance to constructively and respectfully share their perspective on the situation - ask others not to interrupt while someone is talking. Ground rules /guidelines can help here.
3. Provide an opportunity to ask questions and clarify issues once all have had their initial time to talk.
4. Help people stay focused on the issue(s) at hand and not get caught up in personal attacks – “Let’s keep our comments professional so we can keep our discussions constructive”
5. Listen for what seems to be important to each party – the real needs and interests are rarely articulated. Use these interests to help reframe the discussions in terms of what is important.
a. Statement: “And we are not made of money!” Reframe: “Sounds like from your perspective, the project needs to stay within the existing budget”
b. Statement: “I won’t work with someone who doesn’t pull their weight!” Reframe: “Sounds like you would like to feel that everyone is going to do their share of the work”
c. Statement: “If it’s going to be a shoddy job, I want nothing to do with it”. Reframe: “Sounds like your reputation is important to you and you need to be sure that what is delivered is a quality product”.
6. Use objective ‘arms-length from them’ criteria to assess the options put forward by the group. Ask for an agreement about what objective criteria would be acceptable. It is frequently easier for people to agree when the parameters being used come from someone (or group) who is credible to them.
7. Analyse the options presented and determine by consensus what will work best. If necessary write down any agreements and get everyone to sign on… Make sure the agreement is specific and outlines who will do what, when and how… and how will it be followed up.
8. Add a Plan “B” – what will they do if part of the agreement is not working? Or needs to be adjusted?
9. Congratulate them (and yourself) on resolving the issues and getting things back on track!
10. Get on with the rest of the work… and smile…
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes to think about:
1. When you find yourself caught in the middle of conflict that belongs to others, how do you typically respond?
2. What would be the easiest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
3. What would be the hardest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
4. How can you minimize the impact of other people's conflict on you personally?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Showing posts with label conflict management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict management. Show all posts
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Thursday, 23 September 2010
What Is the Level of Toxicity In Your Organization or Workplace?
Where Are You On The Conflict Curve?
If you have a pond and on Day 1 in the pond there is 1 lily pad in the pond.
Every day the number of lily pads in the pond doubles.
On Day 30 the pond is completely full of lily pads.
When is the pond half full?
When it comes to conflict, workplaces, groups and organizations react much like ponds and lily pads. In the early stages it seems that everything is going well and things are fine. The impact of conflicts rarely shows up as a linear progression - it more closely approximates an exponential Time Delay curve. The impact of this is that in the early stages it is difficult to see what is happening as the changes will be subtle and imperceptible. By the time things deteriorate to where the problems become visible, the organization is often on the brink of crisis and the working environment has become toxic. High turnover rates, complaints, grievances, disgruntled employees and reduced productivity are typical. At this point remediation of the situation is often difficult, costly (in both human and $$ terms) and time consuming. It can be tough to get employees engaged in making changes as fear of repercussions, cynicism and skepticism are normal.
In answer to the question above -Because the number of lily pads in the pond doubles every day, the pond is half full on Day 29… Recognition and acknowledgment of the severity problems often happens between Day 25 and Day 29 as it gets harder to deny and avoid the problems at this stage. However, by this point the organization is in serious crisis. So it is important to know where your organization is at on the curve.The earlier the problems are recognized the easier (and cheaper) it is to deal with them.
Timing is as important as strategy in addressing conflict situations. It is critical to choose the strategy that will best fit the situation at this point in time. A good strategy used at the wrong time can actually make the situation worse.
So ultimately, the ideal is to employ strategies that will help an organization get to and maintain a position on the Time Curve somewhere between Days 1-15 over the long term. But it is not enough to just get to that stage; the critical factor here is the willingness to recognize that conflict is not bad and should not be ignored – after all nothing ever changes without conflict in some form and the willingness to invest in resolutions that have the capacity to address things thoroughly. Ultimately an organization that is willing to invest in achieving this goal and is able to maintain that position will be in good shape to weather the storms of conflict when they hit and will have the flexibility and robustness to survive in the world of business
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of an organization or group to which you belong and objectively assess the situation (or at least as objectively as you can) by asking yourself:
1. Where ‘Day’ are we on the Time Delay Curve?
2. If I asked others in the organization what ‘Day’ they see us at – what would they say?
3. What factors are contributing to the discrepancy (if there is one) between where I believe we are at and where they believe we are at?
4. What strategies have we used to address the situation so far?
5. How did it work?
6. Do we need help?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
If you have a pond and on Day 1 in the pond there is 1 lily pad in the pond.
Every day the number of lily pads in the pond doubles.
On Day 30 the pond is completely full of lily pads.
When is the pond half full?
When it comes to conflict, workplaces, groups and organizations react much like ponds and lily pads. In the early stages it seems that everything is going well and things are fine. The impact of conflicts rarely shows up as a linear progression - it more closely approximates an exponential Time Delay curve. The impact of this is that in the early stages it is difficult to see what is happening as the changes will be subtle and imperceptible. By the time things deteriorate to where the problems become visible, the organization is often on the brink of crisis and the working environment has become toxic. High turnover rates, complaints, grievances, disgruntled employees and reduced productivity are typical. At this point remediation of the situation is often difficult, costly (in both human and $$ terms) and time consuming. It can be tough to get employees engaged in making changes as fear of repercussions, cynicism and skepticism are normal.
In answer to the question above -Because the number of lily pads in the pond doubles every day, the pond is half full on Day 29… Recognition and acknowledgment of the severity problems often happens between Day 25 and Day 29 as it gets harder to deny and avoid the problems at this stage. However, by this point the organization is in serious crisis. So it is important to know where your organization is at on the curve.The earlier the problems are recognized the easier (and cheaper) it is to deal with them.
Timing is as important as strategy in addressing conflict situations. It is critical to choose the strategy that will best fit the situation at this point in time. A good strategy used at the wrong time can actually make the situation worse.
So ultimately, the ideal is to employ strategies that will help an organization get to and maintain a position on the Time Curve somewhere between Days 1-15 over the long term. But it is not enough to just get to that stage; the critical factor here is the willingness to recognize that conflict is not bad and should not be ignored – after all nothing ever changes without conflict in some form and the willingness to invest in resolutions that have the capacity to address things thoroughly. Ultimately an organization that is willing to invest in achieving this goal and is able to maintain that position will be in good shape to weather the storms of conflict when they hit and will have the flexibility and robustness to survive in the world of business
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of an organization or group to which you belong and objectively assess the situation (or at least as objectively as you can) by asking yourself:
1. Where ‘Day’ are we on the Time Delay Curve?
2. If I asked others in the organization what ‘Day’ they see us at – what would they say?
3. What factors are contributing to the discrepancy (if there is one) between where I believe we are at and where they believe we are at?
4. What strategies have we used to address the situation so far?
5. How did it work?
6. Do we need help?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
Friday, 14 May 2010
Bill 168 - Another Tool to Stop Workplace Bullying, Harassment and Violence
Bill 168 is coming into force on June 15, 2010 in Ontario. What difference will it make? How will it affect you if you are an employer in Ontario, Canada? What impact will it have if you are an employee?
Bill 168 is following a trend for workplaces in Canada. There is increasing recognition that conflict, harassment and workplace violence are bad for business. Unhappy, stressed, tense and fearful employees are not as productive as they could be as they are busy trying to cope with whatever is causing them problems.
As a mediator who has worked in the field of harassment, discrimination and conflict management since 1996 I have watched an interesting transition in priorities in Canadian workplaces. Employers are much more aware these days of the underlying costs of conflict, harassment and workplace violence in their workplaces. The dollar costs of conducting investigations into formal complaints can be staggering. In my experience employers can expect to pay anywhere from $50,000.00 to $300,000.00 and up to deal with harassment and workplace violence situations. These figures are prohibitive for any employer but particularly so for small businesses.
The 1980 Supreme Court of Canada ruling on the Bonnie Robichaud case in 1980 determined that employers in Canada had a legal liability to provide a workplace free of harassment for their employees irrespective of whether they were aware of the situation or not. The shock wave this caused in the employment world triggered the development of conflict management and harassment policies in many organizations to bring them into compliance with the new era. This recognition of the cost of harassment was focused primarily on sexual harassment. The field has evolved greatly since 1980 to where policies in 2010 typically cover a range of actions and behaviour that are considered inappropriate. Sexual and personal harassment as well as abuse of authority provisions provide employees with a much broader level of protection than what was offered in the 80’s.
Bill 168 offers protections to the employees of Ontario that have not been written into legislation in the past. This puts a responsibility on employers and managers to educate themselves not only on the provisions of the legislation but also on how to work within it on a day to day operational basis. How can you ensure that your workplace is compliant not only with the letter of the law but also with the spirit of the law? The letter of the law is clearly spelled out on the Ministry of Labour website (www.mol.on.ca). It is much more of a challenge to create an organizational culture based on safety, respect, tolerance and understanding particularly in our increasingly diverse workplaces.
It is critical that managers, supervisors and employees are offered support by their employers to ensure that they have both the substantive knowledge of the requirements and the skills in conflict management and leadership that will support them to work with the employer to create the healthy workplaces that Bill 168 is trying to create.
Toxic workplaces cost money. In our experience they are less productive, have higher turnover rates, higher frequencies of absenteeism, grievances, complaints and disengaged employees. This is a recipe for putting a business or organization into trouble. It’s like having an abscessed tooth – the discomfort and pain makes it tough to focus on anything else. If the disproportionate amounts of energy, time and focus expended on trying to survive a toxic environment were redirected to getting the job done, the productivity levels would be stunning.
Managers and supervisors have a critical leadership role to play in creating these healthy workplaces. What steps can help?
1. Clear expectations regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour,
2. Rewarding the desired behaviour and logical and reasonable consequences for transgressors,
3. Effective informal conflict management systems that help to prevent situations from escalating
4. Accountability from the employer and management with respect to learning the real nature of their workplaces (not what they ‘think’ is happening)
5. A willingness to talk about subjects that in the past have been considered less important than concrete task focused conversations – human interactions, organizational culture and workplace atmosphere
6. A solid commitment (with the teeth to back it up) that employees have the right to bring problems to the attention of management without fear of retribution either from peers or from management.
The fear of repercussions is one of the most critical issues that is raised time and time again in the organizations with which we work. When we come into an organization to do a Workplace Assessment as part of a Partnered Workplace Renewal Process™ employees are typically fearful and reluctant to engage and in some cases afraid even to talk to us. Why? Because they have no trust in management or their co-workers that their participation will not lead to some type of formal or informal payback and that what they tell us will somehow be found out by their employer or manager.
Until this is addressed in a credible and concrete fashion, very few will take the risk and those that do are typically those who see themselves on the way out the door anyhow – either due to retirement or because they have dusted off their c.v. and are exercising their right to vote with their feet and move on.
This fear of repercussions can also create a climate of silence. Not every employee who is subjected to harassment or workplace violence files a complaint – many are too afraid to do so. But much like children being bullied at schools the warning signs are there for those perceptive enough to see them. When this is an issue it is often impossible for the situation to be addressed by those inside the organization and outside help is needed. Employees need to have recourse to help they can trust and who is perceived to be at arms length from management and the employer.
Even then it can be difficult to build credibility with employees as the fear factor can be significant. On the other hand there is typically a strong desire to see things change that is warring with the fear of repercussions for getting involved in trying to make things better. The way to build credibility is different in every situation but there are some common steps that can help.
1. Be open and transparent about what you can do – and what you can’t do and live up to what you promise.
2. Don’t make promises you either can’t or won’t keep – broken promises are a fast ticket to cynicism and skepticism.
3. Make a business case to senior management for ensuring and protecting employees’ ability to participate without repercussions either from supervisors or managers or from co-workers.
4. Enlist a credible and very senior person within the organization to act as a recourse person should repercussions happen (or the employee feels that there are repercussions happening).
5. Take complaints seriously and take action to address concerns raised.
6. Ensure that supervisors and managers understand the ‘No repercussions’ policy and adhere to it.
7. Work with the group to discuss the changes that are needed to create a respectful and safe workplace. Engage participation by being open, transparent and accountable – particularly if you are at a senior level within the organization.
8. Create an accountability framework that is focused on constructive mechanisms to address issues rather than a blame focused punitive approach to problems.
9. Model the behaviour you want to see others use. Set expectations for respectful interactions and reward the behaviour you want to see.
10. Ensure that the operational reality and the articulated values of the organization are congruent, aligned and actually being implemented. In order for this to happen staff at all levels need to understand and buy into the organizational values being espoused by the employer and senior management groups.
11. Believe in the value of a healthy and safe working environment rather than complying with the legislation solely because it is the law.
Bill 168 is a piece of legislation that has the potential to help protect workers in Ontario. However it is also likely to be seen by some as an unnecessary burden that is just one more example of legislators trying to run people's lives. In our experience organizations that invest in creating healthy working environments as a core organizational value fundamental to the organizational culture are more productive, more able to adapt to changing economic environments and more successful overall. They make more money for shareholders and owners in the case of businesses. As a result, they tend to create more stable jobs for for their employees and naive as it sounds - everyone wins.
The Conflict Resolution Workout
We invite you to objectively assess the state of your organization or workplace:
1. On a 0-10 scale what rating would you give it if 0 = Toxic and 10 = Healthy?
2. Using that same 0-10 scale, how would you rate relationships between managers and employees? Between employees? Between the union(s) and management? Between other groups within your specific organization?
3. What level of resistance is there to making positive changes to the organizational culture? Where is that resistance coming from? What might be behind it?
4. What is one action that you could take tomorrow that would make your workplace a better place to work?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Bill 168 is following a trend for workplaces in Canada. There is increasing recognition that conflict, harassment and workplace violence are bad for business. Unhappy, stressed, tense and fearful employees are not as productive as they could be as they are busy trying to cope with whatever is causing them problems.
As a mediator who has worked in the field of harassment, discrimination and conflict management since 1996 I have watched an interesting transition in priorities in Canadian workplaces. Employers are much more aware these days of the underlying costs of conflict, harassment and workplace violence in their workplaces. The dollar costs of conducting investigations into formal complaints can be staggering. In my experience employers can expect to pay anywhere from $50,000.00 to $300,000.00 and up to deal with harassment and workplace violence situations. These figures are prohibitive for any employer but particularly so for small businesses.
The 1980 Supreme Court of Canada ruling on the Bonnie Robichaud case in 1980 determined that employers in Canada had a legal liability to provide a workplace free of harassment for their employees irrespective of whether they were aware of the situation or not. The shock wave this caused in the employment world triggered the development of conflict management and harassment policies in many organizations to bring them into compliance with the new era. This recognition of the cost of harassment was focused primarily on sexual harassment. The field has evolved greatly since 1980 to where policies in 2010 typically cover a range of actions and behaviour that are considered inappropriate. Sexual and personal harassment as well as abuse of authority provisions provide employees with a much broader level of protection than what was offered in the 80’s.
Bill 168 offers protections to the employees of Ontario that have not been written into legislation in the past. This puts a responsibility on employers and managers to educate themselves not only on the provisions of the legislation but also on how to work within it on a day to day operational basis. How can you ensure that your workplace is compliant not only with the letter of the law but also with the spirit of the law? The letter of the law is clearly spelled out on the Ministry of Labour website (www.mol.on.ca). It is much more of a challenge to create an organizational culture based on safety, respect, tolerance and understanding particularly in our increasingly diverse workplaces.
It is critical that managers, supervisors and employees are offered support by their employers to ensure that they have both the substantive knowledge of the requirements and the skills in conflict management and leadership that will support them to work with the employer to create the healthy workplaces that Bill 168 is trying to create.
Toxic workplaces cost money. In our experience they are less productive, have higher turnover rates, higher frequencies of absenteeism, grievances, complaints and disengaged employees. This is a recipe for putting a business or organization into trouble. It’s like having an abscessed tooth – the discomfort and pain makes it tough to focus on anything else. If the disproportionate amounts of energy, time and focus expended on trying to survive a toxic environment were redirected to getting the job done, the productivity levels would be stunning.
Managers and supervisors have a critical leadership role to play in creating these healthy workplaces. What steps can help?
1. Clear expectations regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour,
2. Rewarding the desired behaviour and logical and reasonable consequences for transgressors,
3. Effective informal conflict management systems that help to prevent situations from escalating
4. Accountability from the employer and management with respect to learning the real nature of their workplaces (not what they ‘think’ is happening)
5. A willingness to talk about subjects that in the past have been considered less important than concrete task focused conversations – human interactions, organizational culture and workplace atmosphere
6. A solid commitment (with the teeth to back it up) that employees have the right to bring problems to the attention of management without fear of retribution either from peers or from management.
The fear of repercussions is one of the most critical issues that is raised time and time again in the organizations with which we work. When we come into an organization to do a Workplace Assessment as part of a Partnered Workplace Renewal Process™ employees are typically fearful and reluctant to engage and in some cases afraid even to talk to us. Why? Because they have no trust in management or their co-workers that their participation will not lead to some type of formal or informal payback and that what they tell us will somehow be found out by their employer or manager.
Until this is addressed in a credible and concrete fashion, very few will take the risk and those that do are typically those who see themselves on the way out the door anyhow – either due to retirement or because they have dusted off their c.v. and are exercising their right to vote with their feet and move on.
This fear of repercussions can also create a climate of silence. Not every employee who is subjected to harassment or workplace violence files a complaint – many are too afraid to do so. But much like children being bullied at schools the warning signs are there for those perceptive enough to see them. When this is an issue it is often impossible for the situation to be addressed by those inside the organization and outside help is needed. Employees need to have recourse to help they can trust and who is perceived to be at arms length from management and the employer.
Even then it can be difficult to build credibility with employees as the fear factor can be significant. On the other hand there is typically a strong desire to see things change that is warring with the fear of repercussions for getting involved in trying to make things better. The way to build credibility is different in every situation but there are some common steps that can help.
1. Be open and transparent about what you can do – and what you can’t do and live up to what you promise.
2. Don’t make promises you either can’t or won’t keep – broken promises are a fast ticket to cynicism and skepticism.
3. Make a business case to senior management for ensuring and protecting employees’ ability to participate without repercussions either from supervisors or managers or from co-workers.
4. Enlist a credible and very senior person within the organization to act as a recourse person should repercussions happen (or the employee feels that there are repercussions happening).
5. Take complaints seriously and take action to address concerns raised.
6. Ensure that supervisors and managers understand the ‘No repercussions’ policy and adhere to it.
7. Work with the group to discuss the changes that are needed to create a respectful and safe workplace. Engage participation by being open, transparent and accountable – particularly if you are at a senior level within the organization.
8. Create an accountability framework that is focused on constructive mechanisms to address issues rather than a blame focused punitive approach to problems.
9. Model the behaviour you want to see others use. Set expectations for respectful interactions and reward the behaviour you want to see.
10. Ensure that the operational reality and the articulated values of the organization are congruent, aligned and actually being implemented. In order for this to happen staff at all levels need to understand and buy into the organizational values being espoused by the employer and senior management groups.
11. Believe in the value of a healthy and safe working environment rather than complying with the legislation solely because it is the law.
Bill 168 is a piece of legislation that has the potential to help protect workers in Ontario. However it is also likely to be seen by some as an unnecessary burden that is just one more example of legislators trying to run people's lives. In our experience organizations that invest in creating healthy working environments as a core organizational value fundamental to the organizational culture are more productive, more able to adapt to changing economic environments and more successful overall. They make more money for shareholders and owners in the case of businesses. As a result, they tend to create more stable jobs for for their employees and naive as it sounds - everyone wins.
The Conflict Resolution Workout
We invite you to objectively assess the state of your organization or workplace:
1. On a 0-10 scale what rating would you give it if 0 = Toxic and 10 = Healthy?
2. Using that same 0-10 scale, how would you rate relationships between managers and employees? Between employees? Between the union(s) and management? Between other groups within your specific organization?
3. What level of resistance is there to making positive changes to the organizational culture? Where is that resistance coming from? What might be behind it?
4. What is one action that you could take tomorrow that would make your workplace a better place to work?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
The Transit Strike In Ottawa ON – A Mediator’s Perspective
The Transit Strike In Ottawa – A Mediator’s Perspective
By Ruth Sirman, Workplace Conflict Expert, CanMediate International
Ottawa is scrambling to find ways to deal with a transit strike this week that has now created stress and disruption for tens of thousands of people – riders, drivers, company employees, municipal government and those on strike too…plus all those who are impacted by the change in routine this is evoking in the city – employers, business owners, kids, schools, entertainment venues, retail stores / malls and pretty much anyone who has a positive response to the pulse and respiration checks that indicate they are alive and vertical.
As a mediator who specializes in helping groups resolve tough intractable issues I have watched the evolution of this conflict for the past several weeks and it has followed very predictable pattern – little consolation for those who are struggling to deal with the collateral damage from the loss of transit service and those who are actively involved in the conflict. As it progresses and tempers flare it has the potential to get nasty. But how do we as human beings get ourselves into the weeds like this when we have a conflict?
Who’s right? And Who’s to Blame?
Like every other conflict that has erupted between humans throughout history, each group in this one has their story about what is going on, what led to the strike and how it should be resolved - based on their perspective of the situation. And as human beings we are very talented story tellers (even if we have never authored a book!) and inevitably we draft our story with the focus on how others have wronged us.
There is rarely any accountability for the role we might have played in the situation included in our stories – and we rarely paint ourselves as ‘the bad guy’. No, instead when we feel that something is unfair or that we have been mistreated, we have a powerful tendency to paint ourselves as the righteously screwed victim who was only doing the best that we could to deal with the rotten situation that someone else created and which THEY should fix – because after all it is THEIR fault and they are totally unreasonable and wrong.
And the more often we repeat our story, either to ourselves or to others, the more firmly it becomes entrenched as ‘the one and only true story’ – at least in our own minds. And typically as it gets told and retold (even to ourselves) the more it grows and gets embellished as we add more detail and more history to the growing tale. Interestingly enough, everyone in a conflict will be busy drafting and continually refining their story, looking for additional ammunition to justify the position they have taken.
And if we are really honest with ourselves about what we want out of the situation it would be that the other side would listen to our story, understand our hurt, frustration and anger, agree with us, tell us that we’re right and apologize for the horrible wrongs that they have perpetrated upon us…and promise never to do it again…
And what does the other group want? You guessed it – exactly the same thing - which leads us to a total impasse as everyone strives to protect themselves from being the first one to give in, the one to lose face in front of others and the side that is labeled as ‘the loser’. So we dig in and proclaim our story even louder and longer… and so do they.
Think of it as each group standing on a bar stool – hanging on tightly to their position while they shout their story to the world - a classic loggerhead ‘in your face’ conflict that just gets more intense the longer it is permitted to continue. The down side to our incredible bar stool stories we have created is that they leave us with little room to move and maneuver and they can quickly become a trap from which there is no easy way out without risking the devastation of seeing ourselves as having “lost” the fight. This makes it tough to resolve the problem because as long as I am firmly convinced that my story is the one and only RIGHT story – why would I waste my time listening to you? And as long as you are convinced that you own the one and only RIGHT story – why would you waste your time listening to me? And if this goes on long enough, we can actually start to believe our own fiction and buy our own invented reality.
And so who wins? No one. And who loses? Everyone – including those who have no direct connection to the issues at all. There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight – it’s the grass that suffers the most!” – which certainly is the case in this situation.
So how do we help people get down off their bar stools?
Well it can be very tempting to invoke a power play that pushes people down or topples the bar stools – injunctions / back to work legislation / threats and coercion have been used many times to force people to give up the fight. But typically what happens here is that the minute they have the chance both sides will scramble back on to the bar stool and hang on tighter than ever.
Or we can wait it out until one group or another loses the will to fight. Have you ever watched Dr. Seus’ video “The Zaks” where they refused to budge for so long that the new highway had to be built around them?
Or we can dangle carrots at one or both parties to entice them to get down on their own – but carrots bread skepticism about the agenda of those dangling the carrots… and often lead to stoic resistance on the part of the targets.
Or we can work to get people ready to take at least the first baby steps towards climbing down on their own. This is by far the hardest solution – but also the one with the most potential to actually resolve the issue and bring closure that allows people to move on. It needs someone who has a reasonable level of credibility with all the parties, who can get their attention and help them to start to look at the situation more objectively. What is their story based on – facts or assumptions elevated to the level of fact but without any objective verification? Is there information that they don’t have that the other party might know? Are there questions they need answers to? Who can give them those answers? What is the real issue that needs to be resolved? (It is rarely the one that the parties are talking about.. that is likely a symptom of the real issue - but is not the fundamental underlying cause of the problem). What if they choose to stay trapped in their story and not resolve the problem? What if someone else in authority (boss, government, arbitrator) steps in and makes the decision for everyone – what will that look like?
But let’s get real folks! Nobody is going to give up their story if it means that the perception is that they lose and the other side wins… Collective bargaining is traditionally a pushing and shoving process in which both sides attempt to win ‘big’ by making the other side lose as much as possible. And it is traditionally based on compromise – people knowing that they will have to give up some things in order to gain others resulting in both sides offering less than they are willing to give and demanding more than they know they will get in order to create room to negotiate. But compromise does not solve problems when it is used in situations where the stakes are high – it typically creates short-term settlements that are often superficial and unsatisfactory for all concerned but are accepted as ‘the best we could do’.
So the challenge is how can we get all the parties working on the same problem? Because everyone owns some part of the resolution of this and none of us is as smart as all of us! The drivers, dispatchers, mechanics and administrative staff of OC Transpo know the reality of providing transit service in the city better than anyone – they DO it every day! And the city staff and municipal government know the reality of the budgets and commitments it takes to operate a city the size of Ottawa – they work with it every day. So how can we get out of this hole that we’re in?
1. Stop digging the deeper the hole the harder it is to get out of it!
2. Look at the long term implications for both the city and the union. Recognize that strikes hurt everyone and there will be negative impacts on both sides that will increase the longer it goes on. What if all those riders find that their alternative solutions work well and they get used to functioning without the transit system? Will they come back when the strike is over? What impact could that have?
3. Stop demonizing the other side and acknowledge that everyone owns part of the creation of this situation and everyone owns part of solving it
4. Change the mindset (just a LITTLE bit) and get curious – what don’t you know about the other party’s reality?
5. Start listening to each other and learning from each other (this may require some help from an experienced mediator / facilitator)
6. Recognize that there are 3 sides to every story – yours, mine and what really happened… Work to let go of ‘We own the one and only whole truth and we’re totally RIGHT – and recognize that there everyone’s perspective is valid to them – even if you don’t agree from it.
7. Look at it as a joint problem that needs all parties involved to solve it well – focus on “How can we deliver efficient cost-effective transit services while supporting our transit employees to have a good quality of life and a healthy working environment?”
8. Recognize that fighting and striking is the easy way out while committing to finding a resolution that works can be tough and difficult work – but it is the only way that things get fixed. It takes courage and guts to change directions and acknowledge there are other choices… Do the union and city leadership / negotiation teams have the courage? That remains to be seen!
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
By Ruth Sirman, Workplace Conflict Expert, CanMediate International
Ottawa is scrambling to find ways to deal with a transit strike this week that has now created stress and disruption for tens of thousands of people – riders, drivers, company employees, municipal government and those on strike too…plus all those who are impacted by the change in routine this is evoking in the city – employers, business owners, kids, schools, entertainment venues, retail stores / malls and pretty much anyone who has a positive response to the pulse and respiration checks that indicate they are alive and vertical.
As a mediator who specializes in helping groups resolve tough intractable issues I have watched the evolution of this conflict for the past several weeks and it has followed very predictable pattern – little consolation for those who are struggling to deal with the collateral damage from the loss of transit service and those who are actively involved in the conflict. As it progresses and tempers flare it has the potential to get nasty. But how do we as human beings get ourselves into the weeds like this when we have a conflict?
Who’s right? And Who’s to Blame?
Like every other conflict that has erupted between humans throughout history, each group in this one has their story about what is going on, what led to the strike and how it should be resolved - based on their perspective of the situation. And as human beings we are very talented story tellers (even if we have never authored a book!) and inevitably we draft our story with the focus on how others have wronged us.
There is rarely any accountability for the role we might have played in the situation included in our stories – and we rarely paint ourselves as ‘the bad guy’. No, instead when we feel that something is unfair or that we have been mistreated, we have a powerful tendency to paint ourselves as the righteously screwed victim who was only doing the best that we could to deal with the rotten situation that someone else created and which THEY should fix – because after all it is THEIR fault and they are totally unreasonable and wrong.
And the more often we repeat our story, either to ourselves or to others, the more firmly it becomes entrenched as ‘the one and only true story’ – at least in our own minds. And typically as it gets told and retold (even to ourselves) the more it grows and gets embellished as we add more detail and more history to the growing tale. Interestingly enough, everyone in a conflict will be busy drafting and continually refining their story, looking for additional ammunition to justify the position they have taken.
And if we are really honest with ourselves about what we want out of the situation it would be that the other side would listen to our story, understand our hurt, frustration and anger, agree with us, tell us that we’re right and apologize for the horrible wrongs that they have perpetrated upon us…and promise never to do it again…
And what does the other group want? You guessed it – exactly the same thing - which leads us to a total impasse as everyone strives to protect themselves from being the first one to give in, the one to lose face in front of others and the side that is labeled as ‘the loser’. So we dig in and proclaim our story even louder and longer… and so do they.
Think of it as each group standing on a bar stool – hanging on tightly to their position while they shout their story to the world - a classic loggerhead ‘in your face’ conflict that just gets more intense the longer it is permitted to continue. The down side to our incredible bar stool stories we have created is that they leave us with little room to move and maneuver and they can quickly become a trap from which there is no easy way out without risking the devastation of seeing ourselves as having “lost” the fight. This makes it tough to resolve the problem because as long as I am firmly convinced that my story is the one and only RIGHT story – why would I waste my time listening to you? And as long as you are convinced that you own the one and only RIGHT story – why would you waste your time listening to me? And if this goes on long enough, we can actually start to believe our own fiction and buy our own invented reality.
And so who wins? No one. And who loses? Everyone – including those who have no direct connection to the issues at all. There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight – it’s the grass that suffers the most!” – which certainly is the case in this situation.
So how do we help people get down off their bar stools?
Well it can be very tempting to invoke a power play that pushes people down or topples the bar stools – injunctions / back to work legislation / threats and coercion have been used many times to force people to give up the fight. But typically what happens here is that the minute they have the chance both sides will scramble back on to the bar stool and hang on tighter than ever.
Or we can wait it out until one group or another loses the will to fight. Have you ever watched Dr. Seus’ video “The Zaks” where they refused to budge for so long that the new highway had to be built around them?
Or we can dangle carrots at one or both parties to entice them to get down on their own – but carrots bread skepticism about the agenda of those dangling the carrots… and often lead to stoic resistance on the part of the targets.
Or we can work to get people ready to take at least the first baby steps towards climbing down on their own. This is by far the hardest solution – but also the one with the most potential to actually resolve the issue and bring closure that allows people to move on. It needs someone who has a reasonable level of credibility with all the parties, who can get their attention and help them to start to look at the situation more objectively. What is their story based on – facts or assumptions elevated to the level of fact but without any objective verification? Is there information that they don’t have that the other party might know? Are there questions they need answers to? Who can give them those answers? What is the real issue that needs to be resolved? (It is rarely the one that the parties are talking about.. that is likely a symptom of the real issue - but is not the fundamental underlying cause of the problem). What if they choose to stay trapped in their story and not resolve the problem? What if someone else in authority (boss, government, arbitrator) steps in and makes the decision for everyone – what will that look like?
But let’s get real folks! Nobody is going to give up their story if it means that the perception is that they lose and the other side wins… Collective bargaining is traditionally a pushing and shoving process in which both sides attempt to win ‘big’ by making the other side lose as much as possible. And it is traditionally based on compromise – people knowing that they will have to give up some things in order to gain others resulting in both sides offering less than they are willing to give and demanding more than they know they will get in order to create room to negotiate. But compromise does not solve problems when it is used in situations where the stakes are high – it typically creates short-term settlements that are often superficial and unsatisfactory for all concerned but are accepted as ‘the best we could do’.
So the challenge is how can we get all the parties working on the same problem? Because everyone owns some part of the resolution of this and none of us is as smart as all of us! The drivers, dispatchers, mechanics and administrative staff of OC Transpo know the reality of providing transit service in the city better than anyone – they DO it every day! And the city staff and municipal government know the reality of the budgets and commitments it takes to operate a city the size of Ottawa – they work with it every day. So how can we get out of this hole that we’re in?
1. Stop digging the deeper the hole the harder it is to get out of it!
2. Look at the long term implications for both the city and the union. Recognize that strikes hurt everyone and there will be negative impacts on both sides that will increase the longer it goes on. What if all those riders find that their alternative solutions work well and they get used to functioning without the transit system? Will they come back when the strike is over? What impact could that have?
3. Stop demonizing the other side and acknowledge that everyone owns part of the creation of this situation and everyone owns part of solving it
4. Change the mindset (just a LITTLE bit) and get curious – what don’t you know about the other party’s reality?
5. Start listening to each other and learning from each other (this may require some help from an experienced mediator / facilitator)
6. Recognize that there are 3 sides to every story – yours, mine and what really happened… Work to let go of ‘We own the one and only whole truth and we’re totally RIGHT – and recognize that there everyone’s perspective is valid to them – even if you don’t agree from it.
7. Look at it as a joint problem that needs all parties involved to solve it well – focus on “How can we deliver efficient cost-effective transit services while supporting our transit employees to have a good quality of life and a healthy working environment?”
8. Recognize that fighting and striking is the easy way out while committing to finding a resolution that works can be tough and difficult work – but it is the only way that things get fixed. It takes courage and guts to change directions and acknowledge there are other choices… Do the union and city leadership / negotiation teams have the courage? That remains to be seen!
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Discover Your RQ – Your Relationship and Resolution Quotient™
I had a conversation with my grandmother many years ago about a conflict in which I found myself and how the other person in the conflict had caused me so much grief and stress. It was just not fair!! My grandmother’s response has stuck with me over the years. She said “Ruth, I have been a part of many situations over the course of my life (she was 95 at the time) – and no matter what the situation was, or who was involved, there is one thing that is always the same. I bring ME to every situation in which I am involved…and so I own part of everything that happens to me.”
Her point was well taken. As human beings, we have a default blueprint for how we deal with conflict and difficult situations that we have developed over the course of our lifetime. This blueprint often operates in the background and we may be totally unaware of how it is impacting our decisions and actions unless we choose to delve into what the blueprint is and what influence it is having in our lives. How do we do that?
CanMediate International is offering a course called Discover Your RQ in Ottawa, ON Canada on Oct 7 as a fundraiser for the United Way / Centraide Ottawa. We have waived the tuition fees and will collect donations to the United Way / Centraide instead. For more information check out our website at www.canmediate.com or contact us at 613-256-3852.
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few moments and consider the following questions:
1. When you encounter a difficult situation or a conflict, what is your typical response?
2. How does this response change if you change the context (ie workplace v.s. home?)?
3. What works about this approach?
4. What does not work about this approach? (what could you do better?)
5. Who do you know in your family who tends to use a similar approach to conflict?
6. What areas of managing conflict could you improve in terms of your skills and approach?
7. How will you improve your skill levels and approach?
8. Create a plan of 3 actions that you will take within the next 7 days. Write them down and share them with someone who can help you achieve your goals.
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com
Her point was well taken. As human beings, we have a default blueprint for how we deal with conflict and difficult situations that we have developed over the course of our lifetime. This blueprint often operates in the background and we may be totally unaware of how it is impacting our decisions and actions unless we choose to delve into what the blueprint is and what influence it is having in our lives. How do we do that?
CanMediate International is offering a course called Discover Your RQ in Ottawa, ON Canada on Oct 7 as a fundraiser for the United Way / Centraide Ottawa. We have waived the tuition fees and will collect donations to the United Way / Centraide instead. For more information check out our website at www.canmediate.com or contact us at 613-256-3852.
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few moments and consider the following questions:
1. When you encounter a difficult situation or a conflict, what is your typical response?
2. How does this response change if you change the context (ie workplace v.s. home?)?
3. What works about this approach?
4. What does not work about this approach? (what could you do better?)
5. Who do you know in your family who tends to use a similar approach to conflict?
6. What areas of managing conflict could you improve in terms of your skills and approach?
7. How will you improve your skill levels and approach?
8. Create a plan of 3 actions that you will take within the next 7 days. Write them down and share them with someone who can help you achieve your goals.
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com
Friday, 8 August 2008
Leadership and the Global Crisis
We human beings are pretty smart folks! We've sent people (and monkeys) to the moon, built a space station, invented ways to take pictures on Mars, built huge dams that change the course of major waterways, created technology that lets us communicate instantaneously virtually anywhere in the world and lots more... Yep - there's no doubt about it we've got the smarts to do just about anything...
So if we're so smart, then why are we in such a mess? Globally our environment is deteriorating around our ears, wars are being waged in more places than we can count, children die of starvation by the thousands and our ground water is too polluted to drink in much of the world. Much of this is not as easily visible in North America as it is in other parts of the globe. We're pretty insulated over here from the harsh realities facing our brothers and sisters around the world.
Part of the problem as I see it is that those of us who can make a difference tend to avoid the problem. It's just easier that way. Afterall, if I were to admit my role in creating it, then I would be accountable to do something about it. And many people are now starting to recognize the magnitude of the problems we have created - and the implications those problems can have. Typically when something goes wrong our first instinct as human beings is to look around to see whose fault it is. After all - someone must be to blame! And there can be great relief in figuring out who is responsible... providing it's not us! Because whoever is at fault needs to fix things and make them right again. So we spend countless hours searching for someone we can pin the problem on.
The problem is that blame is a waste of time and energy! Blame always looks backwards and it can drain enormous amounts of energy that could be better employed solving the crises. It is always an education to listen to the various political leaders who have the "blamestorming" game down to a science. Just once I would like to hear someone stand up and quietly say "My government has failed to take the required action to prevent this situation from becoming a crisis - and as of today our priorities have changed. As of today, our focus will not be on getting re-elected, but rather on looking beyond our own agendas to analyse the crises we face and see how we can collaborate with other leaders to solve the problems". What a refreshing change that would be!
So what prevents this from happening? Well, when I am wrapped up in my own problems, it is hard for me to appreciate yours. So if our leaders are focused primarily on getting elected and then re-elected, how can we expect them to work constructively on major problems that may require hugely unpopular changes to resolve them? And if their terms are only 2-5 years long - will they have the incentive to take action with long term vision (beyond their own terms)? It is unlikely.
So how do we solve this dilemma? There are no quick fixes to this one but there is one irrefutable fact. When human beings face a major crisis and perceive their lives to be under threat we tend to set our own agendas aside and work together to deal with the greater problem. This happens all the time in terms of natural disasters - fires, floods, ice/snow/rain storms, earthquakes, tsunamis etc... What will it take to help us begin to work together in advance of the crisis?
I don't know - but I hope we can apply the massive collective intelligence we have to find a solution. After all the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again and expect different results! I hope we're smarter than that!
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about:
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.
So if we're so smart, then why are we in such a mess? Globally our environment is deteriorating around our ears, wars are being waged in more places than we can count, children die of starvation by the thousands and our ground water is too polluted to drink in much of the world. Much of this is not as easily visible in North America as it is in other parts of the globe. We're pretty insulated over here from the harsh realities facing our brothers and sisters around the world.Part of the problem as I see it is that those of us who can make a difference tend to avoid the problem. It's just easier that way. Afterall, if I were to admit my role in creating it, then I would be accountable to do something about it. And many people are now starting to recognize the magnitude of the problems we have created - and the implications those problems can have. Typically when something goes wrong our first instinct as human beings is to look around to see whose fault it is. After all - someone must be to blame! And there can be great relief in figuring out who is responsible... providing it's not us! Because whoever is at fault needs to fix things and make them right again. So we spend countless hours searching for someone we can pin the problem on.
The problem is that blame is a waste of time and energy! Blame always looks backwards and it can drain enormous amounts of energy that could be better employed solving the crises. It is always an education to listen to the various political leaders who have the "blamestorming" game down to a science. Just once I would like to hear someone stand up and quietly say "My government has failed to take the required action to prevent this situation from becoming a crisis - and as of today our priorities have changed. As of today, our focus will not be on getting re-elected, but rather on looking beyond our own agendas to analyse the crises we face and see how we can collaborate with other leaders to solve the problems". What a refreshing change that would be!
So what prevents this from happening? Well, when I am wrapped up in my own problems, it is hard for me to appreciate yours. So if our leaders are focused primarily on getting elected and then re-elected, how can we expect them to work constructively on major problems that may require hugely unpopular changes to resolve them? And if their terms are only 2-5 years long - will they have the incentive to take action with long term vision (beyond their own terms)? It is unlikely.So how do we solve this dilemma? There are no quick fixes to this one but there is one irrefutable fact. When human beings face a major crisis and perceive their lives to be under threat we tend to set our own agendas aside and work together to deal with the greater problem. This happens all the time in terms of natural disasters - fires, floods, ice/snow/rain storms, earthquakes, tsunamis etc... What will it take to help us begin to work together in advance of the crisis?
I don't know - but I hope we can apply the massive collective intelligence we have to find a solution. After all the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again and expect different results! I hope we're smarter than that!
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about:
- What situations are happening in our world that you don't know enough about?
- How can you get accurate information about what is happening?
- Who else has a stake in this problem?
- What action could you take to invite these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
- What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of getting things moving?
- What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!
I watched the 'Off the Streets' segment of CBC’s The National with great interest. Homelessness, like many other challenges we face as a society is a complex and multi-faceted problem that can seem overwhelming to solve. While there are no simple solutions to these types of problems, it was refreshing to see the comprehensive and collaborative approach that has been taken by the Portland team of organizations and individuals who are making this work – and making a difference in the lives of those who are often marginalized on many levels. As a mediator, I often find that people shy away from tackling the tough problems they face as they can't figure out where to start and they don't want to make the situation worse. Part of our job is to help people find ways to work together to solve tough problems. There are no conflicts or problems that we as a society cannot solve when we are willing and able to work together. I see this all the time with the organizations, communities and workplaces with whom we work - when frustration and anger are replaced by a willingness to explore the multitude of factors that are contributing to a problem, confront the issues constructively and put their collective knowledge, wisdom and experience to work to find ‘solutions that WORK!!!’ I hope that other communities will find both the grass roots drive and the political will to create similar success stories for the challenging problems confronting us – crime, the environment, hunger, bullying, conflict and more… My grandmother used to remind us constantly that ‘None of us is as smart as all of us’. Thank you for showcasing a prime example of collaboration and constructive problem solving at work!Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about:
1. What problems in your world are too big for you to handle alone?
2. Who else has a stake in this problem?
3. What conversations do you need to have with these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
4. What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of starting a productive discussion?
5. What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?
My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words!!
Create an awesome week!
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
What's Buried Under the 'Snow' in Your World?
It’s raining today and the massive snow banks are starting to melt. It’s that time of year when things that have been buried begin to reappear… wet, mucky and not necessarily in the same shape they were when they got buried… In the spring the countryside has a dirty, messy, cluttered look to it that can be depressing. Isn’t this a similar dynamic to what happens in situations where there are problems that have not been cleaned up / resolved properly? We often leave things unresolved and unfinished and then life happens… and those unfinished and unresolved ‘things’ can get buried under life’s new issues and challenges… but just like the detritus buried under the snow, they don’t go away! And unlike the garbage on the lawn they don’t just sit there waiting for the snow to melt, when it’s unresolved issues / conflicts that get buried, they will fester and grow until they burst through the covering blanket of the present…Spring is a time of rebirth and a time of new beginnings! In order for spring to happen though, the new growth has to be able to get past all the muck left from the previous seasons… That can be a big challenge. In conflict situations, in order to get past the litter that has accumulated from all the past interactions there has to be a willingness to pick up the residual ‘stuff’ that is hidden and deal with it in a constructive fashion. Any effort to move forward without the willingness to address the underlying issues will create a shaky future – built on the shifting sands of past unresolved problems! This does not mean getting stuck in the past but it does mean creating a constructive environment in which the issues that need to be addressed get addressed and people are provided with a well set up and well run process that provides them with the opportunity to examine the factors that have contributed to the evolution of the current reality and find constructive and productive means of resolving these factors. This can be a daunting challenge when people are caught in the paralyzing negative energy of fear, frustration and angst. It is unrealistic to assume that a group can move beyond this paralysis without help! With the appropriate help and support, people have an incredible Power to Resolve the conflicts they face, providing they are willing to invest the time, energy and resources to clean up the mess and open the way for new growth and change.
The Conflict Resolution Workout:
Take a few minutes and analyze your situation as objectively as possible:
1. What is hidden under the snow in your world? (old issues, fights, assumptions, hurts...)
2. Who else is a player in these past situations?
3. What costs have these unresolved issues created for you? For others?
4. What impact has this had on you? Your family?
5. What could you do - even small efforts - to change the dynamics?
6. Do you need help to make it work?
Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
What is Your Leadership RQ? - Conflict Management for Leaders
Has unexpected conflict ever created serious problems in your organization?Do 20% of your employees consume 80% of your time?
Have you ever walked away from a situation unhappy with the way you handled it? Or laid awake at night trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation?
Leadership is one of the most used words in the workplace vocabulary these days. But what does it mean? Is it where our name sits on the Org Chart? Is it the job classification category that we hold or the number of direct reports we have? Is it our vision for the organization and our capacity to take the organization in that direction? Is it the personal skills and attributes that we bring to the role that we have? Can one be a leader without the fancy office, the position title and the big salary? What influence does ‘who’ we are have on how we lead?
If we take a group of individuals and bring them together, give them a mandate and a job to do, provide some resources, develop policies and procedures and put someone in charge we have created an organization. But not every organization meets its mandate or achieves what it set out to do. What makes the difference between a group that efficiently gets the job done and one that limps along achieving mediocre results at best (and typically making excuses for the ongoing failure to produce results).
The level and style of leadership in the organization is often the tipping point between success and failure to achieve results. There are many factors that influence what is going on in an organization but few things have the potential to derail the group’s capacity to function normally like a good conflict. And unresolved or poorly resolved conflict can rapidly escalate a minor problem into a negative dynamic that can create unparalleled levels of dysfunctionality, stress, tension and disruption.The style of leadership in managing interpersonal and organizational conflicts is a major factor influencing the way employees react when they find themselves facing problems. Every human being has a default pattern that defines our instinctive reactions in conflict situations. Most of us are unaware what that pattern is, where it came from and whether it is supporting our success or impeding it. As leaders, our level of influence in our organizations is significant. Thus our own personal Conflict Blueprint is a key factor in defining our leadership style, particularly in those times when our leadership is most important – in situations of crisis and conflict.
Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Is Your Conflict BlueprintTM Working For You???
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
As I was growing up there were many times when I found myself thinking “If I was a mom, I would never do (or say) THAT to my children..”. And then one day when I actually had children of my own and things were not going well, I opened my mouth and out came all those things that I had naively sworn I would never say. It was not one of my more ‘stellar’ moments and when I realized what had happened, I was devastated. How could I have inflicted on my wonderful innocent children the same hurtful words that had been said to me? And to be honest, it happened not once but many times throughout my parenting years.
Well, life goes on and my children appear to have survived those days – and I did too. However it started me wondering why rational and intelligent adults can find themselves saying and doing things that are not particularly wise, logical or helpful. As a professional mediator, I often work with people struggling to deal with the difficult and stressful situations in which they find themselves – at home, at work or in their personal lives. People will describe their reactions during the conflict and then say things like “Once I thought about it, I realized that I could have done things differently and it would have changed everything”, or “I always avoid conflict – and then I kick myself later for not standing up for myself”, or “I know fighting doesn’t solve anything but when my buttons get pushed, I just react”. So why do we get caught up in these habitual reactions that often do not work rather than doing what we know would be more constructively helpful?
Humans are creatures of ‘habit’ - actions or thoughts that are ingrained in our behaviour patterns through repetition. The more often we think it or do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our personal operating procedures. So take my beliefs about conflict and add my habitual behaviour patterns in conflict situations and that creates my default Conflict BlueprintTM that drives my instinctive (and often involuntary) responses to conflict when it erupts.
So where did this Conflict BlueprintTM come from? The short answer is that it has been carefully developed over the course of our life time. As we move through our lives we learn from each conflict situation we encounter. Each entry is carefully filed away in our brain and contributes to our Blueprint – either positively or negatively (or both!). Children are influenced primarily by the key adults in their lives – and each adult has a Conflict BlueprintTM that they will selflessly (and often unconsciously) share with the children in their care. Children are fast learners and don’t necessarily pick up on the habits and attributes adults would prefer them to choose!
However, our Blueprint has only as much power as we choose to give it and if we don’t like it, we can change it! So if I have habitually avoided conflict, always given in to the other person or aggressively defended my point of view and I now realize that this is not getting me the results I want – I have the power to make changes to that blueprint. Awareness of its existence and the ability to critically analyze it and decide what to keep and what to change is the first step. This means accepting that I choose my actions and behaviour – in all situations. This can be a tough pill to swallow, because it’s so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility myself. The second step is to honestly (and objectively) assess what beliefs and habits are operating. This means being totally honest about what I do – not what I’d like to believe I do. Step three is to create new and more constructive habits and beliefs and put them into action. This is tough to do and requires determination and focus plus a willingness to invest the necessary energy to change long-standing habitual patterns. A supportive counselor or mentor can help create a realistic action plan and provide support and accountability!
In our current world, the ability to resolve conflict effectively is becoming increasingly recognized as a valuable attribute. If your Conflict BlueprintTM is supporting you in your efforts to resolve conflicts constructively, then it is actually supporting your success. If not, then change is possible and it may be helpful to remember that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again – and expect different results!!
Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.
As I was growing up there were many times when I found myself thinking “If I was a mom, I would never do (or say) THAT to my children..”. And then one day when I actually had children of my own and things were not going well, I opened my mouth and out came all those things that I had naively sworn I would never say. It was not one of my more ‘stellar’ moments and when I realized what had happened, I was devastated. How could I have inflicted on my wonderful innocent children the same hurtful words that had been said to me? And to be honest, it happened not once but many times throughout my parenting years.
Well, life goes on and my children appear to have survived those days – and I did too. However it started me wondering why rational and intelligent adults can find themselves saying and doing things that are not particularly wise, logical or helpful. As a professional mediator, I often work with people struggling to deal with the difficult and stressful situations in which they find themselves – at home, at work or in their personal lives. People will describe their reactions during the conflict and then say things like “Once I thought about it, I realized that I could have done things differently and it would have changed everything”, or “I always avoid conflict – and then I kick myself later for not standing up for myself”, or “I know fighting doesn’t solve anything but when my buttons get pushed, I just react”. So why do we get caught up in these habitual reactions that often do not work rather than doing what we know would be more constructively helpful?
Humans are creatures of ‘habit’ - actions or thoughts that are ingrained in our behaviour patterns through repetition. The more often we think it or do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our personal operating procedures. So take my beliefs about conflict and add my habitual behaviour patterns in conflict situations and that creates my default Conflict BlueprintTM that drives my instinctive (and often involuntary) responses to conflict when it erupts.
So where did this Conflict BlueprintTM come from? The short answer is that it has been carefully developed over the course of our life time. As we move through our lives we learn from each conflict situation we encounter. Each entry is carefully filed away in our brain and contributes to our Blueprint – either positively or negatively (or both!). Children are influenced primarily by the key adults in their lives – and each adult has a Conflict BlueprintTM that they will selflessly (and often unconsciously) share with the children in their care. Children are fast learners and don’t necessarily pick up on the habits and attributes adults would prefer them to choose!
However, our Blueprint has only as much power as we choose to give it and if we don’t like it, we can change it! So if I have habitually avoided conflict, always given in to the other person or aggressively defended my point of view and I now realize that this is not getting me the results I want – I have the power to make changes to that blueprint. Awareness of its existence and the ability to critically analyze it and decide what to keep and what to change is the first step. This means accepting that I choose my actions and behaviour – in all situations. This can be a tough pill to swallow, because it’s so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility myself. The second step is to honestly (and objectively) assess what beliefs and habits are operating. This means being totally honest about what I do – not what I’d like to believe I do. Step three is to create new and more constructive habits and beliefs and put them into action. This is tough to do and requires determination and focus plus a willingness to invest the necessary energy to change long-standing habitual patterns. A supportive counselor or mentor can help create a realistic action plan and provide support and accountability!
In our current world, the ability to resolve conflict effectively is becoming increasingly recognized as a valuable attribute. If your Conflict BlueprintTM is supporting you in your efforts to resolve conflicts constructively, then it is actually supporting your success. If not, then change is possible and it may be helpful to remember that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again – and expect different results!!
Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Welcome to our Conflict Resolution Blog!
Behind 'the Front' – The Cost of Pretense
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
It's Tuesday. October 30 and as I am sitting here contemplating this week, I realized that it's the end of October and Halloween is just around the corner - a time in my culture where children go door to door dressed up in costumes loudly proclaiming 'Trick or Treat'. Traditionally this meant that if they didn't receive some kind of 'treat' there would be a 'trick' played on the reluctant homeowner. Children (and adults alike) look forward to Halloween as an opportunity to put on a costume and pretend to be someone or something that is different from who we are... (and collect free stuff from their neighbours). And yet, in many ways we live part of Halloween every day. We wear masks and pretend on many levels. In our interactions with others or when something is said that upsets us, we often pretend that all is ok - while on the inside we are somewhere on the continuum between seething and devastatingly hurt.
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Rage Angry Upset Irritated Neutral Confused Sad Hurt Offended Distraught
So we portray a 'public face' when we are with others that may be very different than who we truly are... or where we are truly at.
While typically we choose to put on this good ‘front’, particularly in a conflict situation, as a means of protecting ourselves or to maintain our 'professional image', it has a cost. Pretense of any kind requires an input of energy to keep it up… and it can be difficult to maintain a pretense in the longer term as we need to continually over-ride the genuine state that is our being at any particular moment. This can lead to a build up of stress, tension and strain as we suck in all the negative emotions we are experiencing and internalize it all in an effort to present a face that says “All is well in my world”.
All that stress and tension has to go somewhere – it does not just disappear. Dr Pamela Peeke talks in her book “Fight Fat After 40” about how our traditional ‘Fight or Flight’ response to danger has been replaced in our modern society by “Stew and Chew”. As we stew about a problem, for many of us we are likely to head straight for some type of comfort food - and that can create another whole set of problems!!
It is impossible to be hurt or upset and to genuinely portray that all is well. Let's face it - you can't fake 'genuine'. There will be clues - possibly non-verbal and subtle, but still there, that all is not well. And those non-verbal clues tell a powerful tale. When the words and the non-verbals don't match - the message communicated to others is incongruent and no matter what words we say, it is the non-verbal clues that will dominate every time. And this can create a challenge for those around us – as the confusion created by our ‘mixed messages’ leaves others struggling to understand what is really going on.
In a conflict situation, mixed messages make it difficult to get to the bottom of the situation and get it resolved as people are often unsure of what problem needs to be resolved. And when there is no accurate information available, as humans, we tend to speculate. And the results of unleashed speculation are rarely accurate (or constructive!!).
When confronted by a conflict that is not resolving itself, there are several critical questions we need to pose to ourselves and answer honestly. Take the next few minutes and do this week's Conflict Resolution WorkoutTM to understand how our day to day 'Halloween' may be impacting on our lives and our success.
- What mask am I wearing today - in this situation, with these people?
- Is it the same mask that I wear regularly in this context or has it changed?
- On what level am I pretending that all is 'ok' - when it isn't?
- What might the cost of that pretense be? On a personal level? A professional level? A family level?
- What will happen if I choose not to take any action?
- Will this situation go away on its own? Or will it just percolate and grow if I choose to ignore it?
- If I could snap my fingers and resolve this situation ideally – what would that look like?
- What is getting in the way of me resolving this situation?
- How could I be honest with others about where I am at - without jeopardizing my feeling of safety or professionalism?
- Would it help to talk to someone about this who could help me develop a strategy?
De-stress your week! Resolve a conflict today…
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Ruth Sirman is a Conflict Resolution Specialist, Trainer, Speaker and Facilitator who has helped more than 50 organizations and 12,000 people deal with difficult situations in their lives more constructively. Her practical, creative and thought provoking style has won her high accolades from her clients and course participants.
CanMediate International is a full service conflict management company.
Read other articles by Ruth, check out their services and contact Ruth at www.canmediate.com.
Let us help you de-stress your life and resolve a conflict today!!
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