Never Push A Person To The Point Where They Have Nothing To Lose...

Conflict Resolution Tip #5 - There are times when conflict seems to escalate uncontrollably - creating stress, hurt and even in cases of some conflicts - danger for those involved. And the more things escalate the more those involved can feel justified by the choices they make and the actions they take.

However, the worst possible strategy for the more powerful party in any conflict is to push the 'other' to the point where they feel they have no control over the situation because at that point they have nothing left to lose... it seems there is no way out except to fight back (and they will)... At that point those in power have created a situation where they have chosen to put themselves in jeopardy and escalated the situation unnecessarily. And if we fail to recognize our role in the situation we are deluding ourselves... and that willful blindness is an unconscionable sin against everyone involved and affected...

It's not easy - but it is critical that in this type of situation people in positions of power realize that the 'other' party may not be able to react according to what is considered normal or reasonable. That sense of being trapped and subjected to situations where the consequences are out of proportion to the infraction risks turning any human being into a reactionary who will fight for their survival.

Look at the resistance movement in WW2 and the level of commitment to 'fighting back' demonstrated by those who used any means possible to derail the German war machine. We are seeing similar resistance in many of our global conflicts these days - and we are seeing governments implementing strategies that are marketed as being necessary and justified but seem doomed to create more problems than they will solve. Part of this is that in many cases the powerful group(s) justify their attacks on the other through a victim mindset that looks only at the resistance without looking at the provocation for the resistance - and that ignores the power balance in the situation and denies the reality that the 'other' is facing - and that deflection and denial of the bigger picture is a recipe for disaster...

In a school yard if a larger, stronger individual attacks someone who is smaller / less able to fight back we call it bullying and condemn it as unreasonable, unjustified and just wrong.  On a larger global scale when governments choose strategies that attack others when it is not a level playing field feels to me like bullying on a much larger scale... and I have the sense that it feeds that sense desperation that breeds more people who are willing to resist - through whatever means they have at hand. On a global level we need to hold those countries (including our own) to account when their choices and actions create more problems than they solve.

Albert Einstein once said "Never push a loyal person until they no longer care..." I would say, never push anyone (loyal or otherwise) to the point where they have nothing to lose. It is easy to reach a tipping point where further pressure on them will escalate their response to desperation levels. And desperate people have very little to lose and a lot to gain by continuing the resistance... and even escalating it.

Ensure that everyone sees that they have some control, dignity, input and hope... and the chances for a non-violent solution increase dramatically!!! Maybe it's time to try a different strategy... Just sayin...

The Conflict Resolution Workout... 

1. Think of some of the global situations that involve serious deep rooted conflicts... 
2. What self-justifications do the group(s) in power use to justify their actions and choices?
3. How does that self-justification impede their ability to see how their actions and choices are actually escalating the conflict they say they want to resolve?
4. What will it take for both sides to step back from the stance they have taken?
5. What can you do to help?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. As a mediator and a speaker her professional practice takes her across North America and internationally working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Conflict Blueprint, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Understanding and Resolving Organizational Conflict. For more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

Bullying and The Challenge of Stopping It...

By Ruth Sirman and Julie Lowry

There are many old proverbs / truisms / adages that talk about how we should interact with others. We are brought up to ‘treat others the way we want to be treated’, be kind and respectful and not bully others. The reality is that bullying, disrespect and nastiness are common – and they cost us individually and collectively.

And sometimes we say one thing and do the opposite. I wonder what message our kids get when we tell them they need to be respectful but they witness adults and public figures being negative, mean-spirited and nasty.
 When we harass or attack others it is common to rationalize our actions to deal with the cognitive dissonance / discomfort created when we do something that is not congruent with our values, beliefs and stated expectations. We see many examples of this – when parents make nasty comments to their kids or teachers put a child down in front of the class or when colleagues say one thing to someone’s face but then are disrespectful behind their back. Evidence of this is everywhere and it points to a double standard that speaks to “Treat ME the way I want to be treated but I can treat you however I feel in the moment”. Other times we whitewash our nastiness by calling it something more ‘acceptable’ in an effort to disguise what it really is. 

One of the most recent political examples is the incongruence between the Canadian government’s declaration of May 1st as the National Day to end Bullying which allows for increased public awareness and demonstrates our government’s commitment to the issue.  On the other hand we have the Harper government’s current advertisement campaign that puts down new Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau. There is a dis-connect here – this seems to be a ‘do as I say but not as I do’ situation (at least as I see it). And the rationalization? Mr. Harper identifies the recent attack ads as 'political debate' which I am sure is much easier to justify than what comes across as intentional disrespectful spitefulness. 

While Mr. Harper seems to have missed this message – so have many of us… We will end bullying and harassment when we truly believe that how you do anything is how you do everything and we learn to be hard on the problems we need to address and find ways to make our points without disparaging others.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Take a moment to consider: 

1. When have you seen people say one thing and do the opposite?
2. What impact does it have on relationships? credibility? trust?
3. When have you done the same thing? (the opportunity to be objectively honest if you are willing? :) )
4. How did you rationalize the choice(s) you made?
5. How might the results have been different if you had chosen to act more constructively?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.comFor more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

New Year's and Managing Internal Conflict

Most people are very kind to their friends and to their family (at least most of the time) - but we are often very unkind and harsh with ourselves. The New Year is often a time when we feel internal conflict with ourselves - that gut feeling of dissatisfaction coupled with a strong January resolve to change things and do things 'differently' and 'better' in the coming weeks and months.

Of course broken resolutions litter the landscape of February... and bring with them a sense of having failed or let ourselves down...

Let's be kind and gentle with ourselves this year and focus on being 'ok' with who we are and what we have... That's not to say we have to accept the status quo as the only way things can be... we have an amazing capacity to change and adjust our lives but when the foundation under it all is one of guilt, self-hate and self-inflicted put-downs, we need to tune-up the way we treat ourselves.

Have you ever spent time with someone who is negative, nasty and mean? Aren't they fun to be around??? Would they be your ideal traveling companion on a vacation?? - Probably NOT!! Most of us choose our friends better than that... and yet we are often nastier, meaner and more negative to ourselves than we are to our friends... and no matter how hard I try it's hard to get away from myself!!

So given that I am the only person I can guarantee I will spend my entire life with - 24/7/365 from the day I'm born until the day I die... I need to find a way to be a good traveling companion to myself...

So my challenge to you (and to myself) this January 3rd is to look for ways to minimize that internal conflict... to choose to walk away from the fight where we have to play both the villain and the victim as we beat ourselves up and to find self-acceptance, kindness and gentleness for the most important person in our lives - US!! I believe our ability to solve many of the other conflicts in our lives is directly connected to how we deal with this internal conflict... The old adage - "you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself" makes a lot of sense.

So my commitment to ME this year is to look for the best in me, to accept that I am where I am (on every level) and to be gentle and kind with myself over the things I want to change. In the long run it's healthier and I believe our success depends on it!

You are welcome to post about the challenges you see for yourself in this area... Let's get a conversation going and lets support each other to build a better world for ourselves, our neighbours and our children...
Ruth

Join the conversation on Facebook! 

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about: 
1. When are you most likely to gang up on yourself? What triggers it?
2. How do you feel when you're under attack by your best friend and worst enemy - you?
3. What impact does this internal battle have on you? On your relationships at home and at work?
4. What would it be like to feel comfortable with yourself as you are?
5. What is 1 small change you could make that would let you be kinder and gentler to yourself?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Building peace between Israelis and Palestinians...

Now that the rockets and the bombs have stopped the hard part of this conflict between Israelis and Palestinians is beginning. How to keep the peace in the short term? How to build peace in the longer term?

I believe that one of the greatest challenges we all face as human beings is to be able to look objectively and brutally honestly not only at what others have done to me / us but more importantly what I / we have done to them.

When we have been hurt, we want the people who have hurt us to take responsibility. We want them to fix the harm they have caused and we want them to apologize and make it right. We can choose to point fingers at others and says "It is your fault" - that's blaming and it can make us feel better because then they are responsible and they are the ones that need to change.

But accountability is all about recognizing where I (and my 'group') have made mistakes and being willing to own them. We all make bad choices - it is part of being human. However when those bad choices are denied, ignored or justified by "look what they did to us" we just make the situation worse.  In this situation, everyone has been hurt. Everyone has done the hurting. And it is not a competition to see who has been hurt the most, who has suffered the most. Acknowledging the pain others carry does not diminish my pain - it allows us to share it - and that can help a lot.

Personal and group accountability demonstrates a level of courage, integrity, honesty and a willingness to trust that can open the door to the other individual or group being willing to be accountable too. It sets a constructive tone to the dialogue that says "It's ok to be honest. It's ok to admit failure. It's ok to acknowledge the mistakes you have made because I am willing to be honest, admit failure and acknowledge my mistakes too. Then we can move forward with integrity. Then we can begin to heal. Then we can acknowledge not only our own pain but the pain of others too.

Until we can be brutally honest with ourselves and see the impact of my / our choices on others we will be trapped in our victim story - and that does not help me, you or anyone else. Many people have been hurt, many have died in the past weeks, in the past months and over the years. I do not believe that we honour the memories of those who have died if we use their deaths to cause more hurt, if we do not learn from our mistakes and if we are not willing to repair the harm that has been done.

In the Christian tradition there is a verse in the Bible that says "Make sure you take the log out of your own eye before you try to remove the speck from someone else's eye." It is a wise piece of advice.

It's easy to hurl things at each other. It's easy to bury our heads in the sand and pretend our actions were justified. It's easy to blame others. But that will only perpetuate the hate and the hurt.

The Conflict Resolution Workout for everyone involved is three simple but not easy questions:

1. No matter what side you are on and without any justifying, blaming or rationalizations - What did you and your side do to them?
2. How did you personally contribute to the war and to the hurt experienced by others?
3. If you could go back and start over, what would you do differently?

When we can each answer that question with brutal honesty and without trying to cover anything up, then we are ready to build peace. Until we get to that point, we will find it very difficult to create a peace that will last.

Peace be with you all...,שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

The Escalating Conflict Between Israelis and Palestinians

by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

16 November 2012

I have watched with concern and despair the way things are escalating between Israelis and Palestinians over the past few days, weeks and even months. And I am worried about where you are choosing to go - both individually and collectively.

There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight - it is the grass that suffers the most”. This situation is no different – children, elders, families, communities and fighters on both sides are being forced to pay an unacceptably high price for the decisions being made by governments and militant / military groups. And from reading people’s posts on FB and in the media including Twitter, there are a lot of people running around trying to outdo the other side in justifying why we HAVE to fight back, how DANGEROUS and NASTY and UNFAIR the OTHERS are acting – and how our reaction is RIGHT and JUST and REASONABLE – and trying to recruit support from the global community for THEIR side.

I am going to be totally blunt here – Every single one of you is RIGHT and every single one of you is WRONG in equal measure. You are right that your side has suffered. You are right that people have been hurt. You are right that this situation is unfair, unjustified and unjustifiable. And you are right that some of the choices that have been made will not stand up to the test of historical analysis in the future.

And you are WRONG to think that your suffering gives you the right to keep hurting others, that the choices being made to retaliate and escalate the fight will do anything more than create more hurt, more fear and more trauma – for everyone on every side. And if there is ever going to be peace, IT HAS TO STOP. Somewhere, somehow people will have to reach the point where the situation is no longer tolerable and they choose to stand up and collectively say “ENOUGH ALREADY!! We are tired of our children crying. We are tired of our people dying. We are tired of living in fear. We want peace and we want it now.” No more excuses and no more waiting for the OTHER side to take the first step. Each person has a responsibility to take action. 

War is a choice – and it solves nothing. 

So I am sitting here agonizing over how I can help and what I can write that will adequately express what is in my heart. I ask you to read this with the most open mind you can manage. And I ask you to accept these comments with all my love and support for you on all sides of this conflict.

I spend my professional life helping people who are angry, hurt, frustrated and afraid resolve complex, difficult conflicts. I would like to share some things I have learned.

Every conflict is like a dance – every action we take, every choice that we make influences what others see and what they choose to do. Nothing happens in isolation and no one involved is a bystander. Everyone who is there owns some part of what happens – and everyone bears responsibility at some level for the outcome.
My Grandmother – a very wise elder once told me that there are 3 sides to every story about every disagreement – your side, my side and what really happened – which is generally somewhere in the middle.

We are very good at creating a story that makes us feel that what we are doing is ok, that it is perfectly justified and acceptable – after all, look what THEY are doing to us! Look at the nasty, mean and totally unjustified actions THEY are taking – so of course it’s ok to fight back. And we focus on how many times they have hit us, how many rocks they have thrown and how much we have been hurt… and we totally ignore how many times we have hit them, how many stones we have thrown, how many walls we have built or how many things we have done to add fuel to the fire. After all, we tell ourselves – we were only protecting ourselves, we have the right to defend ourselves and it’s all their fault and if we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will protect us???

And so the stories get bigger and bigger and we keep adding more details and more examples of the  wrongness of the 'others' as we strive to rationalize the choices we make and the actions we take. The problem is that this is a recipe for escalation and for disaster – and everyone is doing it.

It is so very easy to get caught up in the feeding frenzy of rationalization, self-justification and feeling victimized.  So long as each side believes that their story is the RIGHT story and that they own the one and only TRUTH - then it is unlikely they will see any point in listening to anyone else because, in their own mind, anyone who has a different perspective or story would be WRONG so why bother listening - the other side has nothing of value to share. And so it continues…

The problem is that as an individual when I get caught in this trap, I lose my ability to objectively assess what I am doing, what my actions are causing and how I am contributing to the situation. And this is where I am very WRONG and my choices become part of the problem, not part of the solution. When this happens in groups, the escalation is even greater as ‘group-think’ becomes ‘group justification’. 

This is not what I want for you my friends… I was so inspired when I met a fantastic group of Palestinians and Israelis in Jordan who were working to find ways to build peace – I have told thousands of people in Canada and the US and Europe about this group – Wounded Crossing Borders. A group of people of different nationalities, different backgrounds and different cultures who represent every side of the conflict – and who frequently disagree, who have all been hurt but who were willing to persist in finding constructive ways to build bridges instead of walls, to listen to each other and to start trying to understand. This is the stuff of inspirational history – the kinds of stories that are passed down from generation to generation like the stories of Muslims and Germans who hid Jews during the Holocaust, who risked their own lives to save others. I see the work you are doing together to be at the same level – the kind of inspiring leadership that makes a difference in the world and without which our society is in peril. And I now know that there are many other groups that are doing similar work - which gives me hope.

But it is not easy work and it takes huge amounts of courage to do this - to move beyond the ‘easy road’ of just getting angry,  reacting and condemning the other side to being willing to see the situation through 'new eyes' - not just recognizing what is going on but actually being willing to change our reactions - to trust where we would not have trusted before, to speak up where we would have stayed silent, to give someone the benefit of the doubt when we would normally have condemned them, to recognize the hurt and fear others' have when we would normally focus on our own and ignore theirs...

And because right now as things escalate, all this work seems to be getting lost. Hurt, fear and anger are running the show rather than empathy, objectivity and rationality - and that means choices being made based, not on objective rational decisions but emotional responses that will not be in anyone’s best interest in the long term.

It is so tempting to want to get back at those we see causing the fear and hurt - especially if we see people we love (families, children, friends etc) being hurt too... it adds to the escalation because we can now rationalize retaliation as a way of making the other side PAY for what they are perceived to have done...
And so in our efforts to heroically deal with the problems we see, we often use strategies and tactics that are much the same as those we hate others using against us... You throw a rock at me and I now believe that I can throw a stone at you - and that because rocks have been thrown already – it makes it ok.

It’s not. But it is also the toughest time to act with empathy... because empathy does not feel as good as righteous revenge... and it's harder to explain and justify empathy to those around us too... And revenge is easier to sell to others as a strategy as it's usually seen as taking action, 'doing something to right the wrongs' and the strong way to act. But this is the time when it matters the most and when we need to dig deep within ourselves to find our humanity - because we need that empathy more now than ever.

I have learned in mediation that 2 things are needed before people will be able to resolve a situation –
1.    There needs to be a recognition that the story we have told ourselves is incomplete – that we don't know everything that has happened and
2.    There needs to be a willingness to hear what the other(s) have to say - and if it makes sense to be influenced by what we have heard from them.

Without those 2 things any kind of resolution will be extremely difficult to achieve... because everyone is stuck in their story and afraid to admit it might not be true because then they would lose face and let down their ‘side’.

The reality is that nobody has a copyright on ‘Truth’. Truth is a matter of perspective – is someone a freedom fighter or a terrorist? It depends on your perspective and it is totally subjective. However I am the only person who owns what I choose to do, the actions I choose to take and whether I am working constructively to try to help or whether I choose to add fuel to the fire. 

We need to find ways to build empathy for each other. If we have empathy for each other – although we may not agree with each other, we will not hurt each other.

There are no victims in this situation. There are people with the power to choose whether they see themselves as victims or whether they see themselves as active players who have the power to make positive choices and to make a difference. While it's easier to stay with the mindset that this is all someone else's fault – and that THEY need to fix it and THEY need to stop it and THEY need to make it right... because if it's all THEIR fault, then I'm innocent and I have no accountability to fix things or make things right. This is a mindset which will not resolve anything. Everyone owns what is happening and nobody is blameless or innocent. So we are each responsible and we all need to take responsibility for what is happening...

While it may be more comfortable and easier to stay in that ‘victim’ mindset – it is only when we choose to become active players in working for peace that we will be able to make things right.

It would be great if we could rely on our politicians to show this kind of leadership however globally there are very few true statesmen who demonstrate this level of leadership and accountability. Instead political expediency, personal and political agendas, economics and corporate agendas are heavily influencing the political and military choices being made.

Silence does not mean acceptance – but it sends a message that we accept the choices others are making. So it is up to us, the ordinary citizens - the previously silent majority, to speak up and stand up for what we need – to shout loudly what we will accept and what we won't - and to take the actions necessary to build peace, and create respect and dignity for all.



Peace be with you all...,שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Unprepared for Snow in Arizona!!

I was surprised (even shocked) to come over the top of a hill in Arizona and find a foot of snow on the ground... After all, Arizona has a reputation for hot dry weather and desert - so I had packed clothes for hot, dry conditions! Now here I was driving into Flagstaff where the weather was 2C (35F) dressed in shorts and sandals. I felt a bit foolish getting out of the car dressed for summer in a place that was clearly having 'winter' and realizing that my research and planning had been based on the inaccurate assumption that what happens in Phoenix applies to all of Arizona. My intention was to go rafting through the Grand Canyon and have the opportunity to see one of the most spectacular desert environments in the world... and then I discovered that the water temperature in the Colorado River would be 4C (40F). I own a dry suit, neoprene and lots of cold water paddling gear - I kayak about 10 months of the year in Canada where cold water is normal... but none of it was with me in Arizona! I found myself scrambling to find what I needed and questioning whether I would be able to even take the trip. I don't know about you - but I don't like that feeling of being unprepared... of realizing that my planning was inadequate... or realizing that my mistakes could put me in an uncomfortable (even dangerous) situation.
I was fortunate to find 2 stores still open at 7pm in Flagstaff - one was a gear store that sold wool socks ($25) and merino wool shirts ($95) and one was a bargain store that just happened to have several pairs of micro-fibre tights for $5.00 - a reasonable addition to my shorts and wools socks to keep warm! So while it wasn't a perfect outcome, it was a reasonable solution - but it cost more $$, took most of the evening and left me feeling somewhat stressed and uncertain when I had planned for relaxation... In the end, the trip was spectacular, the scenery was amazing and I was adequately warm - and next time, I plan to research more carefully!

How often do we find ourselves basing our decisions on inaccurate or incomplete information? How are our results affected when we don't 'know' what we need to know? What level of additional stress is created when we have to deal with unexpected crises?

In our organizations, it is not possible to know everything that is going on and the information we are missing can have serious implications. Of course it's hard to identify how missing information may be impacting our decisions - after all we frequently don't know what we don't know, until we find ourselves faced with the results of not knowing. However there are numerous tools and strategies we can use to help reduce the risk... There are 2 upcoming sessions in Ottawa ON Canada  that are outlined below that can help.

Organization Workshop with Barry Oshry on June 7-8 - a not to be missed opportunity to learn from a leading expert in this field.

To Register Contact Dawn Kingsbury, ODNOO
T: 613-800-4725
E: info@odnoo.org
W: http://www.odnoo.org/Default.aspx?pageId=661055&eventId=475132&EventViewMode=EventDetails

Conflict in Organizations - October 1 - an opportunity to explore the link between conflict, success and profitability - and where the "leakage" may be costing you!

Date: Friday October 1, 2012
Time: 8:30 - 4:30pm
Location: Country Inn and Suites, 578 Terry Fox Dr, Kanata ON
Cost: $369.00 + HST (before 31 July, 2012) / $447.00 starting Aug 1, 2012

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

The Accidental Mediator

The Accidental Mediator


By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International



Have you ever been caught between 2 parties in a conflict and, even though it had nothing to do with you, you found yourself trying to get it resolved so you could get on with what you needed to do?



This happens regularly to real estate agents, project managers, general contractors, managers, HR Professionals etc. Try listing a house when the owners are in the middle of an acrimonious separation or divorce… Or try juggling the multiple wants, needs and expectations of all the players in a major project… Or try to help employees resolve conflict while still getting the work done and meeting the expectations of the employer… Any one of these scenarios can easily become crazy-making!



So how can you help keep things on track – both for the benefit of the parties in conflict but also to save your own sanity… and get the job done! A few tips:



Think before you start:

1. Talk to the people involved and encourage them to try to work it out on their own…

2. Be objectively honest with yourself about why you are stepping in… a need to get things moving, concern for the other people, for your own agenda or a desire to be the ‘hero’?

3. Keep that objective honesty going as you assess what you need to have happen… and what you think they need to have happen… and what the implications are if it fails…

4. Ask permission (at least informally) of the group involved to try to help - you need a mandate from them in order to do anything more than ask a few questions.

5. Work with them to set a time and place for the discussion (neutral territory is a good start…).



Tips for keeping things moving

1. Set clear guidelines for the discussion. Use them to bring the discussion back on track if it is getting heated. You can also remind people what you are trying to accomplish and the positive and negative potential consequences for doing / not doing it.

2. Give people a chance to constructively and respectfully share their perspective on the situation - ask others not to interrupt while someone is talking. Ground rules /guidelines can help here.

3. Provide an opportunity to ask questions and clarify issues once all have had their initial time to talk.

4. Help people stay focused on the issue(s) at hand and not get caught up in personal attacks – “Let’s keep our comments professional so we can keep our discussions constructive”

5. Listen for what seems to be important to each party – the real needs and interests are rarely articulated. Use these interests to help reframe the discussions in terms of what is important.

a. Statement: “And we are not made of money!” Reframe: “Sounds like from your perspective, the project needs to stay within the existing budget”

b. Statement: “I won’t work with someone who doesn’t pull their weight!” Reframe: “Sounds like you would like to feel that everyone is going to do their share of the work”

c. Statement: “If it’s going to be a shoddy job, I want nothing to do with it”. Reframe: “Sounds like your reputation is important to you and you need to be sure that what is delivered is a quality product”.

6. Use objective ‘arms-length from them’ criteria to assess the options put forward by the group. Ask for an agreement about what objective criteria would be acceptable. It is frequently easier for people to agree when the parameters being used come from someone (or group) who is credible to them.

7. Analyse the options presented and determine by consensus what will work best. If necessary write down any agreements and get everyone to sign on… Make sure the agreement is specific and outlines who will do what, when and how… and how will it be followed up.

8. Add a Plan “B” – what will they do if part of the agreement is not working? Or needs to be adjusted?

9. Congratulate them (and yourself) on resolving the issues and getting things back on track!

10. Get on with the rest of the work… and smile…

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes to think about:
1. When you find yourself caught in the middle of conflict that belongs to others, how do you typically respond?
2. What would be the easiest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
3. What would be the hardest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
4. How can you minimize the impact of other people's conflict on you personally?


Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Transforming Toxic Workplaces

It is unusual to hear anyone say “I am so lucky, I work in the world’s worst workplace!” Given the choice, the majority of people would prefer a workplace that is healthy, productive and where they can relax and focus on getting the job done.

But toxicity is not unusual in workplaces! And it can be overwhelming, frustrating and challenging particularly when it seems it’s being ignored. The stress can have a significant impact on our health and ability to focus. Is it hopeless? I would say ‘NO’ – it can be fixed but like many other areas of our lives we are not willing to invest in changing until we hit a pain point where things are bad enough that the situation can no longer be ignored. At that point it is more likely that the group is willing to make the changes necessary. And change is possible – we have helped many groups turn things around and create healthier working environments from toxic and difficult situations.

Check out CBC radio’s Ontario Today on Thursday March 22 for Ruth’s interview with Rita Celli on moving from “toxic” to “healthy”.

To listen in the Ottawa Canada area… CBC Ottawa 91.5 FM;
To listen Online: www.cbc.ca/ontariotoday
To call in: 1-888-817-8995

Transforming Conflict in the Middle East

"If we want to have peace we  must talk with our enemies. There is no need to talk with our friends - we already have peace with them" - this was said to me by an Palestinian ex-freedom fighter as we walked together to the bus at the close of the Opening Ceremonies of the Transforming Conflict Conference in Amman Jordan last night. (www.cbiworld.org). He had arrived in Amman earlier in the day with a group of Israeli Jews and Palestinians who work together to try to reduce conflict and bring peace between their countries.They are part of a group of Jews, Muslims and Christians from more than 12 countries who are spending 4 days talking together about their pain, their fears, their hopes. While they have been difficult conversations in many cases, at the same time they have been respectful and constructive conversations. And the questions being raised are similar for all sides:

• How do we acknowledge and reconcile the hurt and the pain caused by both sides?
• How do we create a better and safer future for our children?
• How do we get our respective governments to listen to the people and stop the aggression?
• How can we find solutions to the seemingly insurmountable problems between Israel and Palestine?
• What actions can I take as one person (Muslim, Jew, Christian) that will make a difference?
• How do we help our people to heal, so we can move forward without the pain?

The conference continues in Amman and the discussions will go on as well...

Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation of deep-rooted intractable conflict in the world:
1. What is the cost of that conflict?
2. What have you been told - by the media, by your friends and neighbors about the situation?
3. How accurate is the information? How objective? What is the cost of filtered, inaccurate or incomplete information?
4. What can you do to start making a difference in your corner of the world?

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

Toxic Workplaces

Ask any employees or manager on their way to work if, given their choice, they would choose a toxic, nasty working environment over an enjoyable, supportive one and the response will be overwhelmingly ‘NO’. Yet according to statistics quoted by Dr. Steven Stein at the “Staying on Top of Your Game™” session put on by The Psychology Foundation of Canada in Ottawa this morning, more than 20% of people surveyed in 2009 indicated that they work in a ‘Negative work climate’, that ‘Work overload’ is a problem for 27% of people and 22% feel there is a ‘Lack of recognition’ in their workplace. He also shared that 41% of working Canadians indicated that they experience significant stress at work and 50% of people indicated they are less productive as a result of that stress.

Even without a rigorous statistical analysis framework, these numbers are attention grabbing and bear closer examination as they speak to the impact stress, negative working environments and overload can have on a society. If 1 in 5 employees works in a negative or toxic work environment and fully 4/10 people are under enough stress to affect their productivity at work – what is the $$ cost of this to the Canadian economy?

Toxic working environments are not fun – and they are not productive either. While some employees may be less personally affected, the impact is still there. A mindset that recognizes – ‘if it can happen to them, it could happen to me’ will be resonating in the background. For those who are directly impacted the stress can show up as headaches, ulcers, depression, irritability, inability to concentrate, burnout… the list goes on and on.

When people are caught up in the negativity created by conflict, bullying, intimidation and nastiness, the reaction is not to focus more effectively on the work that needs to be done; it is to focus on personal safety and survival on both a personal and professional level as the risk / benefit analysis we conduct continually leads us into self-protection. As human beings we have choices about how we react.

Some fight back in an attempt to draw a line in the sand and stop the abuse. Others try to become invisible – slipping in and out as unobtrusively as possible to avoid triggering an attack. Or people may withdraw into themselves and spend vast quantities of time mulling over the situation and trying to figure out “Why ME?” Alternatively people may quietly dust off their c.v. and exercise their right to vote with their feet and move on to another job where, hopefully, things will be better. Collectively though these reactions all spell one major problem – the focus is NOT on getting the work done and the impact on the bottom line of any organization will suffer. Productivity drops, social interactions diminish and input and creativity are stifled as risk management takes over.

Ultimately, toxicity costs $$ in terms of both the financial picture and the human toll it takes.

What can you do if you are caught up in this vicious cycle of toxicity? If you are an employee, the following suggestions may help:
1.    The first thing to do is recognize what is happening and the impact it is having on you and your family.
2.    Put some ‘self-care’ strategies into place to help manage the stress – spend time doing things you enjoy away from work (sports, exercise, friends, hobbies, entertainment). Please note – neither booze nor drugs show up on that list!
3.    Document the specific situations that have happened as accurately and objectively as you can – a brief explanation of dates, times, locations, who was present, what was said… keep it short and keep it accurate!
4.    Get some help and support -Have a confidential conversation with someone you trust who is familiar with your workplace (Ombuds office, union, your manager or another manager, HR, Labour Relations, mediator, informal conflict management program coordinator, counselor or psychologist, Employee Assistance Program, colleague, security etc.) about your concerns. Ask them for some objective feedback and suggestions in terms of what you can do. Is there any chance that you are over-reacting? Are there any other factors that may be contributing to the situation? Are others having the same experience? What has been done to try to change this in the past? How are others being affected? (Note: This is not an effort to minimize what you are experiencing, just a check to be sure your seeing the picture as clearly as possible).
5.    Find the ‘people of influence’ (the go-to people who have credibility with the group preferably at all levels) in your organization and start working with them to constructively engage them in helping to create the change that is needed.
6.    Become a leader in terms of modeling the type of behaviour you would like to see in your organization. Recognize and be accountable for anything you have done that has contributed to the situation.
7.    Look for ways to constructively make your concerns known either to the individuals who are catalysts for the problems or the group if it is a group issue. You may need outside help to do this effectively.
8.    Name it for what it is. But recognize that others may not be able or ready to acknowledge your concerns.
9.    Find ways to help others succeed – how can creating the kind of workplace you (and others) want help those who are not on board yet, achieve their goals? Make a business case to them for change because as long as what they are doing is being rewarded, why would they change? And as human beings, we can only change ourselves so why would they try to change if they don’t see a good reason to do it? This is the WIIFM principle (What’s in it for me?) at work.
10.    Keep smiling – Nobody can ruin your day without your permission. Rome wasn’t built in a day but it wasn’t built by doing nothing either!

If you are the manager or employer in a situation where there is toxicity, then in addition to the suggestions above, you could:
11.    Call a staff meeting and engage people in discussing what type of workplace they want. (we can give you some simple but effective tools to facilitate that conversation - give us a call).
12.    Model the type of behaviour you want to see. If you aren’t sure how to do it, take a course, get a mentor, ask for support… but recognize that you are the DJ of the dance in your team.
13.    Consult with HR on how to counsel those whose behaviour does not meet your standards on their choices and support them to make changes by holding them accountable and if necessary imposing reasonable consequences.
14.    Find ways of framing what you want to see happen in terms of helping them be more successful – if they are engaged in seeing the change as beneficial to them, it is more likely to happen (and to stick!).
15.    Recognize those who are constructive contributors to a healthy workplace and stop rewarding in any way, the toxic behaviour.
16.    Measure and monitor the change and when you have reached your goals – celebrate!

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Election Campaigns: Professionalism and Integrity or Pot-shots and Personal Attacks

It’s election time again and as usual we are being treated to an ongoing level of drama and theatrics that is on par with a good Broadway play. However, the ongoing acrimony between some of the mayoralty candidates in the race for Ottawa mayor is a distraction from the serious issues facing Ottawa citizens and the city. And it’s frustrating for citizens who are looking for solid and credible leadership and clarity on what is planned by each candidate.

But isn’t this just what citizens should expect when there is a volatile political race underway? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?

It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??

What is voter reaction to this as a strategy?

When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are OK with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.

In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.

If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that precludes succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations and misinformation. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill or JF Kennedy stooping to personal attacks, unsubstantiated attacks and innuendo to make their point.

What are the long term implications?

There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty political campaign is serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions. There is a need for frank and candid discussions regarding the major decisions required to take the city and the country forward into the next decades. When those discussions get mired in nastiness and the focus of the discussions is lost, we all lose.

When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?

So as voters choose which candidate they will support in this or any election, that choice is dictated at least in part by how candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for many voters!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Give some thought to times when you have been in a 'competition' with someone else with whom you disagreed.

1. What were you thinking at the time?

2. What did you you tell yourself about them?

3. How did you react? How did they react?

4. What could you have done that would have been more constructive?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

What Is the Level of Toxicity In Your Organization or Workplace?

Where Are You On The Conflict Curve?

If you have a pond and on Day 1 in the pond there is 1 lily pad in the pond.
Every day the number of lily pads in the pond doubles.
On Day 30 the pond is completely full of lily pads.
When is the pond half full?

When it comes to conflict, workplaces, groups and organizations react much like ponds and lily pads. In the early stages it seems that everything is going well and things are fine. The impact of conflicts rarely shows up as a linear progression  - it more closely approximates an exponential Time Delay curve. The impact of this is that in the early stages it is difficult to see what is happening as the changes will be subtle and imperceptible. By the time things deteriorate to where the problems become visible, the organization is often on the brink of crisis and the working environment has become toxic. High turnover rates, complaints, grievances, disgruntled employees and reduced productivity are typical. At this point remediation of the situation is often difficult, costly (in both human and $$ terms) and time consuming. It can be tough to get employees engaged in making changes as fear of repercussions, cynicism and skepticism are normal. 

In answer to the question above -Because the number of lily pads in the pond doubles every day, the pond is half full on Day 29… Recognition and acknowledgment of the severity problems often happens between Day 25 and Day 29 as it gets harder to deny and avoid the problems at this stage. However, by this point the organization is in serious crisis. So it is important to know where your organization is at on the curve.The earlier the problems are recognized the easier (and cheaper) it is to deal with them.

Timing is as important as strategy in addressing conflict situations. It is critical to choose the strategy that will best fit the situation at this point in time. A good strategy used at the wrong time can actually make the situation worse.

So ultimately, the ideal is to employ strategies that will help an organization get to and maintain a position on the Time Curve somewhere between Days 1-15 over the long term. But it is not enough to just get to that stage; the critical factor here is the willingness to recognize that conflict is not bad and should not be ignored – after all nothing ever changes without conflict in some form and the willingness to invest in resolutions that have the capacity to address things thoroughly. Ultimately an organization that is willing to invest in achieving this goal and is able to maintain that position will be in good shape to weather the storms of conflict when they hit and will have the flexibility and robustness to survive in the world of business


The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of an organization or group to which you belong and objectively assess the situation (or at least as objectively as you can) by asking yourself:

1. Where ‘Day’ are we on the Time Delay Curve?
2. If I asked others in the organization what ‘Day’ they see us at – what would they say?
3. What factors are contributing to the discrepancy (if there is one) between where I believe we are at and where they believe we are at?
4. What strategies have we used to address the situation so far?
5. How did it work?
6. Do we need help?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Is it Bullying? Is it Harassment? Or Is It Effective Management Designed To Get A Difficult Job Done?

Typically the response to these questions will be totally dependent on who you ask, their perspective and personal experience of the situation. Certainly in the situation that is currently on the CBC news about the RCMP leadership conflicts there are very different stories circulating about what is going on and who’s responsible for creating the problem(s).

So has Mr. Elliott created or contributed to a negative and toxic atmosphere in the RCMP?
That is not a simple question that can be answered Yes or No – there are too many other factors that come into play that must not be ignored if the objective is to create sustainable and long-term improvements in how the organization functions.

Or is he getting the job he was hired to do done?
- And in the process rattling a few chains by stirring up hornets nest in the Old Boy’s Club that is the establishment status quo? Again, not a question with a simple answer. Jumping to either conclusion too quickly and without serious research and analysis to determine objectively what is happening risks reaching erroneous conclusions based on assumptions and not facts. The potential to escalate the situation and make it even worse than it is now cannot be overstated.

As mediators who specialize in conducting Workplace Assessments and group interventions in large complex conflicts in dysfunctional situations, we recognize the challenges in trying to sort out what is rhetoric, what is rumour and what is the actual reality of what happens on a day to day operational basis.

Any credible and effective Workplace Assessment and Renewal Process needs to explore the infrastructure of the organization (policies, procedures, decision making structures and accountability, design and structure etc), its organizational culture and the individual and group dynamics that characterize the day to day operational reality. The patterns that show up are good indicators of areas that need further analysis and research. In other words – see a pattern? Dig there…

While the patterns related to the infrastructure of the organization are important, an even greater emphasis needs to be places on the human patterns that exist. How do people get along? What types of interactions does the organization reward? What is the leadership style? How do people describe the situation and their role in it? Are they able to see their role in the situation or do they see themselves as the misused and abused victim? Are there personal or hidden agendas that are influencing what people are saying or doing – and that may not be readily obvious?

Part of the challenge is that each of us has a vision of ourselves and who we are. We may see ourselves as competent, intelligent, honest, a capable communicator, someone who gets tough jobs done, a person with integrity or whatever our vision of ourselves may be. The problem is that others don’t necessarily share the same view. Others may see us in a very different light. For example:
- I see myself as helpful and supportive. You see me as pushy and in your face.
- I see myself as quiet and reserved. You see me as cold and withdrawn.
- I see myself as efficient and effective. You see me as uncaring and abusive.
- I see myself as friendly and outgoing. You see me as rude and obnoxious.

If I go through life believing that the rest of the world shares my vision of myself there will likely be problems. And as I make choices about how to deal with situations, I need to be aware of the how those choices may be seen by others.

Typically leaders are ‘take charge’ people. That’s how they end up in leadership positions. They tend to be dominant personalities who are solution focused and in many cases seem almost ‘driven’ to get the job done. In challenging situations, crises or tight time lines the situation is often intensified by the pressure to achieve despite the odds and so our leader will stride in, take control and in many cases bulldoze right over those around them.

When the need to get the job done predominates and takes over, the value in engaging others, building relationships or creating a team environment can get totally lost. Essentially it drops off the radar screen altogether as it is often perceived to be a waste of time and energy when there are more important things to get done – namely fixing the problem.

When asked, those in leadership positions will justify the choices they have made by the end results they were trying to achieve – ‘the end justifies the means’ rationale. And they are often totally oblivious to the collateral damage left in their wake. It is typically a case of ‘the axe forgets and the log remembers”.

This can create huge credibility issues for a leader as people disengage, withdraw their support and transfer their loyalty and allegiance to others they believe to be better suited to a leadership role. Or they may go into protective mode where the primary focus is self-protection, risk avoidance and trying to stay out of the line of fire.

In organizations when these dynamics are at play, the wariness, fear of repercussions, disillusionment and sense of needing to protect oneself can create a culture of passive-aggression leading to covert sabotage and resistance or when it hits the pain point where the situation is no longer tolerable, it may lead to mutiny.

How can anything positive come from a nasty situation such as this?

It is actually easier to deal with things at this level than when people are apathetic and indifferent. When the pain point is reached there is a great deal of motivation to deal with the situation and that motivation can be leveraged to create the necessary changes to improve the situation. Mutiny gets attention at all levels and that attention at the level of senior management or employers generally results in a decision that action is needed to address the situation. Resources are allocated, people are motivated to do something and providing a constructive and credible process for change is offered, the potential for a positive outcome is good.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Does Accountability Help Victims of Tragedy? AC Flight 621-The Impact and Reactions 40 Years Later

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

As human beings, difficult and traumatic events have a way of lingering in our lives – whether it’s an accident, a conflict, a fight or a trauma. I watched the CBC documentary on the Memorial Service for the victims of the crash of AC Flight 621 in Brampton ON where 109 people died held on July 4, 2010. After 40 years this is still impacting on those affected by the crash back in 1970. This was evident by the number of family and friends who showed up for the memorial service and their apparent reactions to the 40th anniversary of the crash.

What do victims and complainants of conflict or tragedy want in this type of situation?
In my experience as a mediator, as the dust settles and people begin to cope they are looking for a genuine
1. acknowledgement of the hurt and impact of the situation on them;
2. assurance that changes are being made and steps are being taken to avoid this type of situation happening again;
3. sense that people are being honest and accountable;
4. feeling that they are being taken seriously.

These are common needs irrespective of whether the situation is one of conflict, tragedy, workplace harassment or criminal acts.

President John Kennedy understood the connection between accountability and credibility. After the Bay of Pigs, he went on national television and took responsibility for the mistakes that were made – genuinely and completely when he said something to the effect of “I made the mistake of acting on faulty intelligence and I take full responsibility.” His ratings went through the roof. We can contrast that with Richard Nixon’s half-hearted comment after Watergate when he said something like “Well it happened on my watch so I suppose it’s my responsibility”. And then there was the impeachment…

When people feel that there is a genuine effort on the part of those in authority to put these four points in place, frustration and irritation are typically replaced by respect. These actions build immense credibility, yet often there is great reluctance on the part of those in authority to even acknowledge the hurt that has been caused let alone to move to address the situation.

As for the actions taken to meet the needs of the families affected by AC621 there were significant differences in the reactions and level of involvement of some of the other players involved – notably Air Canada and those involved in the upcoming development of the crash site in Brampton.

It appeared that– the landowners, the consultants (Candevcon Consulting Limited) and the City of Brampton have put a lot of thought and energy into creating a plan to acknowledge what happened in this field so many years ago. Consultations with members of the victims’ families and discussions about appropriate ways of honouring and remembering victims created a sense in the documentary that they understood the importance of the situation and people’s need for acknowledgment and closure. It is my understanding that Air Canada was invited to participate and declined.

I wonder what discussions went on at Air Canada re whether or not representatives of the airline would attend the memorial service. Initially it appears the answer was ‘no’ followed by a reversal of position to ‘yes’ – but very last minute. So what’s wrong with that? Well I suppose there might be concerns that people would blame the airline for what happened and ask difficult questions - so isn’t it reasonable that they would be reluctant to participate? Why would they want to risk any unpleasantness? On the other hand what benefits might there be to their participation?

Often people fear any level of acknowledgment of people’s pain as an admission of responsibility or guilt. And so people are reluctant to put themselves in a position where things might get awkward and they might be expected to take responsibility. Our legal systems support being very cautious about what we say and who we talk to after an ‘incident’. And there is often a perception that if we just ignore the situation it will somehow just go away. Typically these can backfire and the opposite happens.

There is a link between acknowledgment and visibility. When I acknowledge your hurt or your pain, you know that I ‘see’ you. And I believe that when people feel there has been no acknowledgment of the impact they have experienced, they feel they are ‘invisible’ in the sense of feeling ignored, unnoticed and overlooked which may be interpreted as a sign of contempt and lack of caring. This often results in the victims feeling left out or lost. When these feelings take hold it leads to greater upset - even anger and often a commitment to work to make things right and to bring people to account. So in the long run the attempts to protect oneself or an organization can fail and create even bigger problems that just won’t go away – until that closure is achieved one way or another.

Where do we see this play out?
Whenever people have been hurt and others are going – “It’s not my/our fault”. Look at the credibility issues suffered by many political leaders… corporations… government programs such as Workmens' Safety and Insurance Board or Employment Insurance… employers… insurance companies… respondent in workplace harassment situations…family members… essentially anyone who is perceived to have caused a problem for someone else.

How can this be avoided?
1. Recognize the link between genuine acknowledgment and credibility.
2. Be willing (and take the risk) to talk to people and hear what they have to say.
3. Realize that you can’t fake ‘genuine’. People see through fake attempts at communication virtually instantly and they will not buy it and your credibility will suffer.
4. If necessary, decide in advance what you are comfortable sharing and how you will share it. Keep in mind that accurate, timely and appropriate levels of information will minimize the risks of speculation and rumours taking over.
5. If you have made a mistake or contributed to the situation, take responsibility and indicate what you are doing to fix things – your credibility will increase.

As my grandmother used to say “If you’re going to get run out of town anyhow, you might as well go to the head of the line and make it look like a parade.” She was talking about accountability and responsibility.

Which approach has the greater potential for resolving the problem?

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Think of times when you may have been reluctant to address a situation constructively.
1. How was the situation addressed? How well did it work? (from your perspective... from the perspective of others...?)
2. Have people truly achieved closure and moved on?
3. What could you have done differently?
4. What could you do now to improve the situation?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Disgruntled and Chronic Complainers and Their Long List of Complaints

Have you ever met a chronic complainer?

Most of us have met someone who seems to get a perverse pleasure from constantly and continually complaining. While sometimes it seems that the complainers in our lives will complain about anything they are typically set off by a specific set of triggers and the complaints are focused on particular topics.

One characteristic of complaints is the sweeping generalizations and absolutes that sound like “It’s all wrong”, “Nobody ever listens to me / us” or “They never give us what we need to do the job” or “The whole project is a complete washout” or “Nobody cares”. Unfortunately specific information that could be useful and relevant is conspicuous by its absence.

So why do people complain?

It’s a habit. For some, their standard form of communication has evolved into the adult equivalent of a whining child. Often the habitual complainer is unaware of what they sound like to others. They may have a negative outlook on life with expectations that can border on ‘unrealistic’. This can lead to an overall sense of

It’s worked for them in the past. Human beings are very prone to re-using strategies that have worked for them in other situations. After all, if it works why change it?

They want to be heard. Often chronic complainers are very detail focused individuals and they may actually have valuable information to share. However their choice of strategies typically minimizes the potential that their information will be heard as others tend to tune them out which prompts them to complain even more, setting up a vicious cycle.

They feel they have been subjected to some form of injustice. In some cases there may have been an injustice or series of injustices that have happened to them. In these circumstances most of us will complain and it can be therapeutic and cathartic. However chronic complainers get stuck and have trouble moving on. They may carry the past injustices around as baggage made up of their grudge list until it colours their worldview and becomes a habitual way of perceiving the world.

They feel that their world is beyond their control and in many cases are unsure of how to fix it. The sense of helplessness that this creates leaves the chronic complainer with a sense of futility that fuels the long tale(s) of woe.

So what can you do when you have to deal with a chronic complainer?

1. Avoid agreeing or disagreeing – just listen
2. Avoid trying to solve their problem for them – help them come up with possible solutions. If you solve the problem and it doesn’t work then there is just more to complain about.
3. Assess what you are hearing to determine if the information buried in the complaining may be relevant, valid and useful.
4. Ask questions that demonstrate you’re listening. Stay objective and impartial - Let them run down.
5. Help them get specific- even if you have to interrupt. Ask questions of clarification designed to get specifics rather than the sweeping generalizations. Once you have some specifics (and it may be a challenge) ask them how they would solve that specific problem (shift to a problem solving mode)
6. If their complaint(s) have substance, keep them in the loop re the progress in resolving the issues.
7. If necessary you may need to set some parameters in place to manage the amount of complaining to which you are subjected. Things like “If you have issues that need to be addressed, then bring me specifics and possible solutions.” Or “I’m happy to listen if what you want to talk about is how you plan to address the problem(s) but if this is just about complaining, then I would rather not be part of it.”

Chronic complaining has the potential to create a negative energy in a relationship, a family or a workplace. The person doing the complaining may have valid points to make however their style of communicating tends to cause others to shut down, thereby minimizing the successful impact of their message. There are ways to manage this if you are willing to invest the time and energy in supporting them to change the pattern.


Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Can Cars and Cyclists Share the Roads?

The road is a line – a strip of asphalt, that runs between 2 points. It gets people from point A to point B and it has become a serious source of concern for many who use it, particularly for those who drive cars and those who ride bicycles.

I listened to Goldhawk Live on Rogers Cable last night (http://www.rogerstv.com/option.asp?rid=16&lid=12&sid=266 ) where representatives of different groups and different points of view spent the better part of an hour discussing the challenges faced by all of us in terms of ensuring that all are able to get where they need to go in safety.

I lived beside a 80kmph highway for more than 20 years and as a cyclist going for a bike ride, particularly with my kids, it was often an unnerving experience. It's hard to ride on rough gravel shoulders. Big trucks and cars spew up dust, gravel and noise not to mention the wind they create has a tendency to throw you sideways and off-balance. That 6-10” strip of asphalt on the shoulder side of the yellow line does not provide much space for a bike and there is certainly no protection for anyone who is foolhardy enough to try to ride there. So the gravel was a safer albeit rougher option – and you learned to ride defensively or pay the price.

I have been cycling seriously since 1967 on the highways of rural eastern Ontario and through the city streets of Ottawa. I have my fair share of horror stories about close calls caused by my own poor choices, indifferent pedestrians, oblivious drivers, huge potholes, mechanical failures and more.

The current debate seems to stem from different perspectives about who is entitled to use the road, and who gets priority – and who should give way for whom. In many ways the current debates are very representative of our way of approaching the use of other common resources such as the environment, food, water and more.

The mindset that believes that MY needs, wants and priorities are most important and that those of others need to take a back seat to mine is an arrogant and problematic way of looking at the world. When I see drivers cut cyclists off, or I see cyclists going the wrong way up one way streets or running red lights I see this arrogant and indifferent mindset that contributes to the ongoing conflict over this issue.

In places like Holland where cycling is a mainstream mode of transportation, cyclists have access to cycle-only routes where cars are forbidden. There is a different level of resources available to cyclists than that found in North America. Of course the whole country is about the same size as one of our smaller provinces. Is this a viable option in a country the size of Canada? It would be a costly and difficult proposition and not necessarily the only possible solution. We need to find ways that work for us as Canadians - given our geography, weather patterns and culture. Finding that solution may take some time but as gas prices continue to rise and environmental consciousness increases, cycling is becoming an increasingly viable option for many.

What can an individual do?

As driver’s we have an obligation to be aware of the vulnerability of other users of the roads – cyclists and pedestrians as well as other motorized vehicles. Specifically:
- Take a quick look in the outside rear view mirror before opening the door when you’re parked (getting ‘doored’ hurts!).
- Give cyclists space both on city streets and on the highways
– the suction created by vehicles can throw a cyclist off balance (especially when it comes from a truck)
- Realize that a bike can’t hit big potholes and stay upright – so swerving is more than likely – it’s a given… and it may happen quickly so give them room
- Anticipate that cyclists will be turning at intersections and avoid crowding them
- Realize that the more cyclists we have on the road, the fewer cars there are and the less congestion there will be for you, the motorists!

As cyclists we need to understand that we have an obligation to share the road as well – and to cycle defensively. The most effective way I know to do that is to be as predictable and courteous as possible:
- stop for stop signs and red lights,
- cycle the same way you would drive – go the right way on one way roads, watch and only pass when it's safe especially in heavy traffic situations
- recall the rules of physics (Force = mass x acceleration). If a car hits a cyclist, the cyclist loses! A car cresting a hill at 80-100km/hour and finding 20 cyclists riding in a bunch and taking up the lane may not physically be able to stop before hitting people. Refusing to move into a single line and let cars go by is one sign of the 'sense of entitlement' that creates conflict. Who's right? Should cyclists be expected to move over? I'm not sure if it matters if it means that the cyclist is 'dead right'!
- realize that sidewalks are meant for pedestrians and sidewalk cycling is for pre-schoolers and very young children (under the age of 9 or10…) - if you qualify, feel free to use the sidewalk otherwise your bike belongs on the road!
- Cycle as if your 6 year old is watching you – all the time!
It may be someone else’s child watching… and copying… Much as it would be easier if this was not the case, as adult riders we are constantly modeling cycling behaviour that will be emulated by others – including our own kids… are we teaching them ways that will help them make good choices? Or is what we are showing them going to put them at risk?

What else will it take to resolve this? There is more than individuals involved in this – cycling groups, safety groups, governments, police and more…

On a group and society level we need:
1. A willingness to listen to the concerns of the other groups – and listen to understand rather than just to gather ammunition for rebuttal and attack.
2. A commitment on the part of governments and other interest groups to take steps to minimize the risks and maximize the support for safe practices – on the part of all
3. Increased education and awareness for all involved – teaching road safety and respect for others
4. Ways to engage those who don’t believe the rules should apply to them to see the value in improving their safety practices – if only for the sake of the kids who watch, see and copy.
5. A decrease in that sense of personal and group entitlement and an increase in the willingness to value others and their needs – a change in mindset that results in an internal level of engagement that prompts people to look out for others because they believe it’s the right thing to do rather than because someone is enforcing it (external motivation)

Conflict Resolution Workout:

1. How frequently do you find yourself making choices that you would have to justify to your children in terms of ‘don’t do this… only adults can do this…’? – This is a chance to be brutally honest with yourself!
2. What stories do you tell yourself about the 'others' on the road (either cyclists or drivers)? What level of self-justification and rationalization is at play in those stories? (honestly...)
3. What one action could you take that would make others safer today?
4. What concrete action will you commit to on a regular basis to build the habit of safety for you and others into your life?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.