Bullying and The Challenge of Stopping It...

By Ruth Sirman and Julie Lowry

There are many old proverbs / truisms / adages that talk about how we should interact with others. We are brought up to ‘treat others the way we want to be treated’, be kind and respectful and not bully others. The reality is that bullying, disrespect and nastiness are common – and they cost us individually and collectively.

And sometimes we say one thing and do the opposite. I wonder what message our kids get when we tell them they need to be respectful but they witness adults and public figures being negative, mean-spirited and nasty.
 When we harass or attack others it is common to rationalize our actions to deal with the cognitive dissonance / discomfort created when we do something that is not congruent with our values, beliefs and stated expectations. We see many examples of this – when parents make nasty comments to their kids or teachers put a child down in front of the class or when colleagues say one thing to someone’s face but then are disrespectful behind their back. Evidence of this is everywhere and it points to a double standard that speaks to “Treat ME the way I want to be treated but I can treat you however I feel in the moment”. Other times we whitewash our nastiness by calling it something more ‘acceptable’ in an effort to disguise what it really is. 

One of the most recent political examples is the incongruence between the Canadian government’s declaration of May 1st as the National Day to end Bullying which allows for increased public awareness and demonstrates our government’s commitment to the issue.  On the other hand we have the Harper government’s current advertisement campaign that puts down new Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau. There is a dis-connect here – this seems to be a ‘do as I say but not as I do’ situation (at least as I see it). And the rationalization? Mr. Harper identifies the recent attack ads as 'political debate' which I am sure is much easier to justify than what comes across as intentional disrespectful spitefulness. 

While Mr. Harper seems to have missed this message – so have many of us… We will end bullying and harassment when we truly believe that how you do anything is how you do everything and we learn to be hard on the problems we need to address and find ways to make our points without disparaging others.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Take a moment to consider: 

1. When have you seen people say one thing and do the opposite?
2. What impact does it have on relationships? credibility? trust?
3. When have you done the same thing? (the opportunity to be objectively honest if you are willing? :) )
4. How did you rationalize the choice(s) you made?
5. How might the results have been different if you had chosen to act more constructively?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.comFor more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

When Conflict Makes Us Crazy!

When things happen to us we have choices we can make:
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:

• get angry or hurt, 
• tell ourselves a story about how unfair this is, 
• get caught up in the drama and tell others about our misfortune
• go on a blamestorming binge and demonize the person or group we believe have caused us this grief
• make choices or take action to rectify the situation which frequently includes some type of retribution against the guilty party(ies) or withdrawal / pulling back to protect ourselves from any further harm.

The stories we tell can be very powerful and influence our reactions to the situation. The story typically sounds something like "Well, that was rude / unreasonable / unfair / unnecessary... How could they be so unprofessional, nasty, mean, stupid... and so on...).
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.

The broader system view provides us with the potential to:

• understand what is going on for others,
• to step back from elevating assumptions to the level of fact (and then acting on those assumptions
• to avoid getting hooked and derailed by the story we have told ourselves
• maintain our focus on our priorities and doing what is necessary to achieve our goals and objectives
  
• continue to work collaboratively with others in our system to achieve success

When we are able to shift to a System view, our potential for clarifying our perspective to the others involved, hearing their perspective, working things out and moving forward without losing our ability to meet our goals and objectives increases dramatically!




The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus? 


If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com. 

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

Leadership and the Global Crisis

We human beings are pretty smart folks! We've sent people (and monkeys) to the moon, built a space station, invented ways to take pictures on Mars, built huge dams that change the course of major waterways, created technology that lets us communicate instantaneously virtually anywhere in the world and lots more... Yep - there's no doubt about it we've got the smarts to do just about anything...

So if we're so smart, then why are we in such a mess? Globally our environment is deteriorating around our ears, wars are being waged in more places than we can count, children die of starvation by the thousands and our ground water is too polluted to drink in much of the world. Much of this is not as easily visible in North America as it is in other parts of the globe. We're pretty insulated over here from the harsh realities facing our brothers and sisters around the world.

Part of the problem as I see it is that those of us who can make a difference tend to avoid the problem. It's just easier that way. Afterall, if I were to admit my role in creating it, then I would be accountable to do something about it. And many people are now starting to recognize the magnitude of the problems we have created - and the implications those problems can have. Typically when something goes wrong our first instinct as human beings is to look around to see whose fault it is. After all - someone must be to blame! And there can be great relief in figuring out who is responsible... providing it's not us! Because whoever is at fault needs to fix things and make them right again. So we spend countless hours searching for someone we can pin the problem on.

The problem is that blame is a waste of time and energy! Blame always looks backwards and it can drain enormous amounts of energy that could be better employed solving the crises. It is always an education to listen to the various political leaders who have the "blamestorming" game down to a science. Just once I would like to hear someone stand up and quietly say "My government has failed to take the required action to prevent this situation from becoming a crisis - and as of today our priorities have changed. As of today, our focus will not be on getting re-elected, but rather on looking beyond our own agendas to analyse the crises we face and see how we can collaborate with other leaders to solve the problems". What a refreshing change that would be!

So what prevents this from happening? Well, when I am wrapped up in my own problems, it is hard for me to appreciate yours. So if our leaders are focused primarily on getting elected and then re-elected, how can we expect them to work constructively on major problems that may require hugely unpopular changes to resolve them? And if their terms are only 2-5 years long - will they have the incentive to take action with long term vision (beyond their own terms)? It is unlikely.

So how do we solve this dilemma? There are no quick fixes to this one but there is one irrefutable fact. When human beings face a major crisis and perceive their lives to be under threat we tend to set our own agendas aside and work together to deal with the greater problem. This happens all the time in terms of natural disasters - fires, floods, ice/snow/rain storms, earthquakes, tsunamis etc... What will it take to help us begin to work together in advance of the crisis?

I don't know - but I hope we can apply the massive collective intelligence we have to find a solution. After all the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again and expect different results! I hope we're smarter than that!

Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Take a few minutes and think about:

1. What situations are happening in our world that you don't know enough about?
2. How can you get accurate information about what is happening?
3. Who else has a stake in this problem?
4. What action could you take to invite these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
5. What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of getting things moving?
6. What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?

My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words!!Create an awesome week!

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.