When Conflict Makes Us Crazy!

When things happen to us we have choices we can make:
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:

• get angry or hurt, 
• tell ourselves a story about how unfair this is, 
• get caught up in the drama and tell others about our misfortune
• go on a blamestorming binge and demonize the person or group we believe have caused us this grief
• make choices or take action to rectify the situation which frequently includes some type of retribution against the guilty party(ies) or withdrawal / pulling back to protect ourselves from any further harm.

The stories we tell can be very powerful and influence our reactions to the situation. The story typically sounds something like "Well, that was rude / unreasonable / unfair / unnecessary... How could they be so unprofessional, nasty, mean, stupid... and so on...).
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.

The broader system view provides us with the potential to:

• understand what is going on for others,
• to step back from elevating assumptions to the level of fact (and then acting on those assumptions
• to avoid getting hooked and derailed by the story we have told ourselves
• maintain our focus on our priorities and doing what is necessary to achieve our goals and objectives
  
• continue to work collaboratively with others in our system to achieve success

When we are able to shift to a System view, our potential for clarifying our perspective to the others involved, hearing their perspective, working things out and moving forward without losing our ability to meet our goals and objectives increases dramatically!




The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus? 


If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com. 

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.