Tales From the Bar Stool™ - The Role of Stories in Escalating Conflict

How often do we hear someone who is typically upset with someone else expressing sentiments like “It’s all their fault….” or “I didn’t do anything wrong…” or “It’s not fair….” or “S/he only did that to make me mad…”.   When we are upset with someone else, it is easy to slip into the mindset that the other person is the author of all our woes, and if only they would realize that and CHANGE or fix things – then everything would be all right.

And there are certainly times when other people’s actions and behaviour can cause us problems. There is no denying that…. But how often if we were to ask the other person for their perspective on the situation, would they tell a very different tale?

When a conflict erupts between 2 people or a group of people, each person in that group will tell themselves a story about what is going on. I have my story, you have yours and so does everyone else involved. Initially our stories may be somewhat tentative – particularly if we are not sure about what is happening but as time goes on and particularly if the situation does not get resolved easily, the stories become more defined, more specific and more detailed. And the more frequently we tell the story – either to ourselves or to others the more the details, theories and hypothesis’ get embellished and amplified pulling in anything and everything that even remotely supports our theory of what is going on.

The challenge here is that when people get caught in the stories they tell themselves and start to see those stories as being the “True” representation of what is happening, there is the potential for problems. Because in a conflict situation, everyone has a story. And typically, everyone is firmly convinced that THEIR story is the right one… and that any other story (like yours) is WRONG… And the more we try to convince the other person of the validity of our own story… and the more they try to convince us of the validity of their story, the more entrenched we can become in our positions and the harder it becomes to resolve the problem.

So when conflict erupts in a workplace, managers and HR professionals are often left struggling to figure out who started it, where the responsibility lies and how to get things resolved to the point where people will get back to work. This can create major challenges for the manager or HR professional who may be trying to deal with what has become a battleground rather than a workplace. Typically in this type of situation, things have been brewing over a period of time and then something triggers an escalation of the situation that takes the conflict to another whole level. In some of the interventions in which we have been involved, there have been verbal and physical threats made against co-workers or the manager, people are taking sides and everyone is recruiting support wherever they can find it. There is usually another group of people who would prefer to stay out of it and just do their job – but often this becomes virtually impossible as the tension escalates. And unwittingly, many of these people are also contributing to the problem.

As the person who is trying to address the situation we have some choices in terms of how to help people address the ‘stories’ that are framing their perspectives.

While the story-telling that we do as individuals is unlikely to stop – we can choose how much power we choose to give our story simply by being aware of the times when it’s happening.

Strategies to try:

• Try being the detached observer who listens to the story and just notices how easy it is to see the ‘other’ as the villain… and then make your choice whether you want to change your story or not.
• Ask what other possibilities are there that could explain the situation? Perhaps even though they may not have succeeded well, the other person’s intention was to try and help you!! Despite the best of intentions the results are not always positive for the other person. Everyone (including you) is someone’s difficult person at some point in time.
• Question the assumptions. We often elevate assumptions to ‘Facts’. While it is unlikely we will ever stop making assumptions we can become more skilled at recognizing assumptions and more willing to question them – both when we are the one doing it but also when others may be making assumptions about us (or others). Simply posing the question in a conversation or meeting “What led you to make that decision?” or “What assumptions is that based on?” or “What leads you to believe (or say) that?” can put the assumptions on the table constructively for verification or clarification. The results from these simple questions can be astounding!

Ultimately, the best conflict management tool is constructive openness and honesty and a genuine desire to understand. This means a willingness to engage in sometimes tough discussions where we put our real issues and concerns on the table and invite others to do the same. This means that we will find ourselves in the position of needing to clarify what is causing problems for us that may be difficult for others to hear. And then we have to be prepared to listen when others may tell us things we don’t want to hear. Can we step back from getting defensive and listen for the useful messages that may help us to do things better? That takes practice and self-awareness!

Ultimately, we each have a choice as to how we want to react in any situation in which we find ourselves and while it is tempting to want to give the credit for how badly we are feeling to someone else, there is ultimate power in realizing that we are the authors of our own destiny and whether we feel good or bad is entirely up to us!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!™

The next time you become aware of a conflict (yours or someone else's), observe and listen to the story telling that happens. 

In a conflict that is personal for you: 

1. Be aware of how it is impacting on you personally - physically, emotionally, mentally. 
2. How objective is the story you are telling yourself? 
3. Are there other possible explanations for what happened?
4. What impact could your story have on the situation if it is not complete or accurate?

If the conflict is between other people:

1. Have you heard everyone's story (or just one person's)?
2. How similar / different are the stories?
3. Are assumptions being elevated to the level of fact? - If yes, to what degree could those assumptions escalate the conflict?
4. How much influence could those stories have on how this conflict evolves?
5. How could you help people to understand the power of the stories they are telling? (suggestion: see the strategies

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.