Bullying and The Challenge of Stopping It...

By Ruth Sirman and Julie Lowry

There are many old proverbs / truisms / adages that talk about how we should interact with others. We are brought up to ‘treat others the way we want to be treated’, be kind and respectful and not bully others. The reality is that bullying, disrespect and nastiness are common – and they cost us individually and collectively.

And sometimes we say one thing and do the opposite. I wonder what message our kids get when we tell them they need to be respectful but they witness adults and public figures being negative, mean-spirited and nasty.
 When we harass or attack others it is common to rationalize our actions to deal with the cognitive dissonance / discomfort created when we do something that is not congruent with our values, beliefs and stated expectations. We see many examples of this – when parents make nasty comments to their kids or teachers put a child down in front of the class or when colleagues say one thing to someone’s face but then are disrespectful behind their back. Evidence of this is everywhere and it points to a double standard that speaks to “Treat ME the way I want to be treated but I can treat you however I feel in the moment”. Other times we whitewash our nastiness by calling it something more ‘acceptable’ in an effort to disguise what it really is. 

One of the most recent political examples is the incongruence between the Canadian government’s declaration of May 1st as the National Day to end Bullying which allows for increased public awareness and demonstrates our government’s commitment to the issue.  On the other hand we have the Harper government’s current advertisement campaign that puts down new Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau. There is a dis-connect here – this seems to be a ‘do as I say but not as I do’ situation (at least as I see it). And the rationalization? Mr. Harper identifies the recent attack ads as 'political debate' which I am sure is much easier to justify than what comes across as intentional disrespectful spitefulness. 

While Mr. Harper seems to have missed this message – so have many of us… We will end bullying and harassment when we truly believe that how you do anything is how you do everything and we learn to be hard on the problems we need to address and find ways to make our points without disparaging others.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Take a moment to consider: 

1. When have you seen people say one thing and do the opposite?
2. What impact does it have on relationships? credibility? trust?
3. When have you done the same thing? (the opportunity to be objectively honest if you are willing? :) )
4. How did you rationalize the choice(s) you made?
5. How might the results have been different if you had chosen to act more constructively?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.comFor more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

Transforming Toxic Workplaces

It is unusual to hear anyone say “I am so lucky, I work in the world’s worst workplace!” Given the choice, the majority of people would prefer a workplace that is healthy, productive and where they can relax and focus on getting the job done.

But toxicity is not unusual in workplaces! And it can be overwhelming, frustrating and challenging particularly when it seems it’s being ignored. The stress can have a significant impact on our health and ability to focus. Is it hopeless? I would say ‘NO’ – it can be fixed but like many other areas of our lives we are not willing to invest in changing until we hit a pain point where things are bad enough that the situation can no longer be ignored. At that point it is more likely that the group is willing to make the changes necessary. And change is possible – we have helped many groups turn things around and create healthier working environments from toxic and difficult situations.

Check out CBC radio’s Ontario Today on Thursday March 22 for Ruth’s interview with Rita Celli on moving from “toxic” to “healthy”.

To listen in the Ottawa Canada area… CBC Ottawa 91.5 FM;
To listen Online: www.cbc.ca/ontariotoday
To call in: 1-888-817-8995

When Conflict Makes Us Crazy!

When things happen to us we have choices we can make:
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:

• get angry or hurt, 
• tell ourselves a story about how unfair this is, 
• get caught up in the drama and tell others about our misfortune
• go on a blamestorming binge and demonize the person or group we believe have caused us this grief
• make choices or take action to rectify the situation which frequently includes some type of retribution against the guilty party(ies) or withdrawal / pulling back to protect ourselves from any further harm.

The stories we tell can be very powerful and influence our reactions to the situation. The story typically sounds something like "Well, that was rude / unreasonable / unfair / unnecessary... How could they be so unprofessional, nasty, mean, stupid... and so on...).
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.

The broader system view provides us with the potential to:

• understand what is going on for others,
• to step back from elevating assumptions to the level of fact (and then acting on those assumptions
• to avoid getting hooked and derailed by the story we have told ourselves
• maintain our focus on our priorities and doing what is necessary to achieve our goals and objectives
  
• continue to work collaboratively with others in our system to achieve success

When we are able to shift to a System view, our potential for clarifying our perspective to the others involved, hearing their perspective, working things out and moving forward without losing our ability to meet our goals and objectives increases dramatically!




The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus? 


If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com. 

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

What Is the Level of Toxicity In Your Organization or Workplace?

Where Are You On The Conflict Curve?

If you have a pond and on Day 1 in the pond there is 1 lily pad in the pond.
Every day the number of lily pads in the pond doubles.
On Day 30 the pond is completely full of lily pads.
When is the pond half full?

When it comes to conflict, workplaces, groups and organizations react much like ponds and lily pads. In the early stages it seems that everything is going well and things are fine. The impact of conflicts rarely shows up as a linear progression  - it more closely approximates an exponential Time Delay curve. The impact of this is that in the early stages it is difficult to see what is happening as the changes will be subtle and imperceptible. By the time things deteriorate to where the problems become visible, the organization is often on the brink of crisis and the working environment has become toxic. High turnover rates, complaints, grievances, disgruntled employees and reduced productivity are typical. At this point remediation of the situation is often difficult, costly (in both human and $$ terms) and time consuming. It can be tough to get employees engaged in making changes as fear of repercussions, cynicism and skepticism are normal. 

In answer to the question above -Because the number of lily pads in the pond doubles every day, the pond is half full on Day 29… Recognition and acknowledgment of the severity problems often happens between Day 25 and Day 29 as it gets harder to deny and avoid the problems at this stage. However, by this point the organization is in serious crisis. So it is important to know where your organization is at on the curve.The earlier the problems are recognized the easier (and cheaper) it is to deal with them.

Timing is as important as strategy in addressing conflict situations. It is critical to choose the strategy that will best fit the situation at this point in time. A good strategy used at the wrong time can actually make the situation worse.

So ultimately, the ideal is to employ strategies that will help an organization get to and maintain a position on the Time Curve somewhere between Days 1-15 over the long term. But it is not enough to just get to that stage; the critical factor here is the willingness to recognize that conflict is not bad and should not be ignored – after all nothing ever changes without conflict in some form and the willingness to invest in resolutions that have the capacity to address things thoroughly. Ultimately an organization that is willing to invest in achieving this goal and is able to maintain that position will be in good shape to weather the storms of conflict when they hit and will have the flexibility and robustness to survive in the world of business


The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of an organization or group to which you belong and objectively assess the situation (or at least as objectively as you can) by asking yourself:

1. Where ‘Day’ are we on the Time Delay Curve?
2. If I asked others in the organization what ‘Day’ they see us at – what would they say?
3. What factors are contributing to the discrepancy (if there is one) between where I believe we are at and where they believe we are at?
4. What strategies have we used to address the situation so far?
5. How did it work?
6. Do we need help?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Can Cars and Cyclists Share the Roads?

The road is a line – a strip of asphalt, that runs between 2 points. It gets people from point A to point B and it has become a serious source of concern for many who use it, particularly for those who drive cars and those who ride bicycles.

I listened to Goldhawk Live on Rogers Cable last night (http://www.rogerstv.com/option.asp?rid=16&lid=12&sid=266 ) where representatives of different groups and different points of view spent the better part of an hour discussing the challenges faced by all of us in terms of ensuring that all are able to get where they need to go in safety.

I lived beside a 80kmph highway for more than 20 years and as a cyclist going for a bike ride, particularly with my kids, it was often an unnerving experience. It's hard to ride on rough gravel shoulders. Big trucks and cars spew up dust, gravel and noise not to mention the wind they create has a tendency to throw you sideways and off-balance. That 6-10” strip of asphalt on the shoulder side of the yellow line does not provide much space for a bike and there is certainly no protection for anyone who is foolhardy enough to try to ride there. So the gravel was a safer albeit rougher option – and you learned to ride defensively or pay the price.

I have been cycling seriously since 1967 on the highways of rural eastern Ontario and through the city streets of Ottawa. I have my fair share of horror stories about close calls caused by my own poor choices, indifferent pedestrians, oblivious drivers, huge potholes, mechanical failures and more.

The current debate seems to stem from different perspectives about who is entitled to use the road, and who gets priority – and who should give way for whom. In many ways the current debates are very representative of our way of approaching the use of other common resources such as the environment, food, water and more.

The mindset that believes that MY needs, wants and priorities are most important and that those of others need to take a back seat to mine is an arrogant and problematic way of looking at the world. When I see drivers cut cyclists off, or I see cyclists going the wrong way up one way streets or running red lights I see this arrogant and indifferent mindset that contributes to the ongoing conflict over this issue.

In places like Holland where cycling is a mainstream mode of transportation, cyclists have access to cycle-only routes where cars are forbidden. There is a different level of resources available to cyclists than that found in North America. Of course the whole country is about the same size as one of our smaller provinces. Is this a viable option in a country the size of Canada? It would be a costly and difficult proposition and not necessarily the only possible solution. We need to find ways that work for us as Canadians - given our geography, weather patterns and culture. Finding that solution may take some time but as gas prices continue to rise and environmental consciousness increases, cycling is becoming an increasingly viable option for many.

What can an individual do?

As driver’s we have an obligation to be aware of the vulnerability of other users of the roads – cyclists and pedestrians as well as other motorized vehicles. Specifically:
- Take a quick look in the outside rear view mirror before opening the door when you’re parked (getting ‘doored’ hurts!).
- Give cyclists space both on city streets and on the highways
– the suction created by vehicles can throw a cyclist off balance (especially when it comes from a truck)
- Realize that a bike can’t hit big potholes and stay upright – so swerving is more than likely – it’s a given… and it may happen quickly so give them room
- Anticipate that cyclists will be turning at intersections and avoid crowding them
- Realize that the more cyclists we have on the road, the fewer cars there are and the less congestion there will be for you, the motorists!

As cyclists we need to understand that we have an obligation to share the road as well – and to cycle defensively. The most effective way I know to do that is to be as predictable and courteous as possible:
- stop for stop signs and red lights,
- cycle the same way you would drive – go the right way on one way roads, watch and only pass when it's safe especially in heavy traffic situations
- recall the rules of physics (Force = mass x acceleration). If a car hits a cyclist, the cyclist loses! A car cresting a hill at 80-100km/hour and finding 20 cyclists riding in a bunch and taking up the lane may not physically be able to stop before hitting people. Refusing to move into a single line and let cars go by is one sign of the 'sense of entitlement' that creates conflict. Who's right? Should cyclists be expected to move over? I'm not sure if it matters if it means that the cyclist is 'dead right'!
- realize that sidewalks are meant for pedestrians and sidewalk cycling is for pre-schoolers and very young children (under the age of 9 or10…) - if you qualify, feel free to use the sidewalk otherwise your bike belongs on the road!
- Cycle as if your 6 year old is watching you – all the time!
It may be someone else’s child watching… and copying… Much as it would be easier if this was not the case, as adult riders we are constantly modeling cycling behaviour that will be emulated by others – including our own kids… are we teaching them ways that will help them make good choices? Or is what we are showing them going to put them at risk?

What else will it take to resolve this? There is more than individuals involved in this – cycling groups, safety groups, governments, police and more…

On a group and society level we need:
1. A willingness to listen to the concerns of the other groups – and listen to understand rather than just to gather ammunition for rebuttal and attack.
2. A commitment on the part of governments and other interest groups to take steps to minimize the risks and maximize the support for safe practices – on the part of all
3. Increased education and awareness for all involved – teaching road safety and respect for others
4. Ways to engage those who don’t believe the rules should apply to them to see the value in improving their safety practices – if only for the sake of the kids who watch, see and copy.
5. A decrease in that sense of personal and group entitlement and an increase in the willingness to value others and their needs – a change in mindset that results in an internal level of engagement that prompts people to look out for others because they believe it’s the right thing to do rather than because someone is enforcing it (external motivation)

Conflict Resolution Workout:

1. How frequently do you find yourself making choices that you would have to justify to your children in terms of ‘don’t do this… only adults can do this…’? – This is a chance to be brutally honest with yourself!
2. What stories do you tell yourself about the 'others' on the road (either cyclists or drivers)? What level of self-justification and rationalization is at play in those stories? (honestly...)
3. What one action could you take that would make others safer today?
4. What concrete action will you commit to on a regular basis to build the habit of safety for you and others into your life?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.