Intergenerational Conflicts - Surviving the Inevitable Fights between Parents and Teens

Have you ever noticed that parenting goes in spurts? When things are good parenting is a fun and rewarding experience that is unparalleled in terms of the paybacks you receive from your child or teen – the hugs, the gifts of big smiles and gratitude, the assertions that “You’re the best Mom (or dad) or the simple ‘Thanks Mom” or “Thanks, Dad”. Then there are the other times when parenting becomes a major challenge – things are not going well and something needs to be done. Whether it’s a crisis and your child needs help or a discipline problem that needs to be addressed – as a parent you know you have to step in and take action.

The taking action part is often where the challenge lies – what to say, how to say it, what to do and when to stop. How to make the point we need to make, how to get the message across and how to help make the situation better – without alienating the person one is trying to help. This becomes an even greater challenge when that child hits their teen years.

Think back to when you were a teenager (however far back it is for you). I recall incredible frustration with my parents who were desperately struggling to get through to this somewhat rebellious and definitely volatile person who I had become when I hit about 12. Like every other teenager, I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted – but I certainly knew what I didn’t want and having my parents step in and tell me what I could do and couldn’t do certainly fit in the ‘what I don’t want’ category. And so we spent a number of years frustrating each other to the nth degree. I recall a lot of yelling, door slamming and stomping out - mostly on my part. I remember my mother virtually in tears as one of our yelling matches worked its way towards the seemingly inevitable conclusion – me stomping out the door screaming “I’m leaving… It’s not fair… you never loved me.. you don’t care what happens to me…etc. etc. etc.” I am sure many times I sounded like a broken record on an endless loop. I was no angel and I certainly caused more than my fair share of grief for my parents. On one occasion I remember my mother being very angry at me for something I either had (or hadn’t) done and I believed I was in deep trouble. Yet all she said to me was the inevitable Parent’s Curse – “I hope someday you have a kid just like you!!!!” At the time I recall thinking – ‘that’s it? that’s all that’s going to happen? wow –that was easy’. And then I had kids.

I have 4 – now all in varying stages of sorting out their lives and careers as young adults – all fun, creative, interesting and smart. They have their own opinions and we have great conversations about life, the world and their views on it all. But I also remember being in that same position with my kids that my parents were in with me. – that desperate struggle to know what to do and how to do it. There is no ‘immediate feedback’ system that tells you if you’re on the right path. In many cases it takes many years before we can see whether our choices were the right ones or if we missed something. No child arrives with an operations manual or a set of instructions and every kid is different – what worked with one typically had no effect on another. So it was a continuous ongoing learning curve and frequently still is.

But in looking back now that my youngest is well into his 20’s and my oldest is 30 I realized that we have survived. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely. Did I / we get it right? Not always. Did we do ok? I believe so.

I recall reading somewhere that the best baseball players in the world bat 400. What does that mean? It means they miss 6 times out of 10. It means that as a parent I don’t need to be perfect to do well – but I do need to ensure that my batting average is as good as I can make it. The key strategy that worked for me was to think of my relationship with my kids as a bank account. The good times, the laughter, the fun and the love were the deposits. And the fights, the discipline, the times when I said the wrong thing or had the wrong reaction – they were the withdrawals.

The trick was not to lose sight of the balance – to ensure that the deposits outweighed the withdrawals. And to make sure that the withdrawals did not overwhelm the deposits by frequency or intensity. It meant sometimes putting the negative stuff on hold while we went out for lunch, went shopping, had friends over, played catch or whatever was important to that particular child. It did not mean being a pushover or conversely – a nag. It was somewhat like being in a dance and knowing when to lead and when to follow, when to step in and when to step back - when to rescue and when to let realistic consequences follow their natural course.

Sometimes having the courage NOT to rescue a child is the hardest – but also the best decision we can make for the long term. Will that child be forever scarred by failing a course, losing a friend or even spending a night sitting in a jail cell? Or will they learn a valuable lesson that will save them inevitable volumes of grief over the rest of their life? It’s tempting to be the hero – but it may be wiser to be the coach – offering support and a non-judgmental listening ear than to be the knight in shining armour with the white horse riding in to save the day. Ultimately the greatest challenge we own as parents, from my perspective, is to be able to make that choice wisely.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What is your bank balance in the relationship with each of your children (no matter what their ages)? Is that balance reasonably equitable for each child or is the balance significantly lower with one or more of your kids than with others?
2. What does the dance you are in with that child look like? If you were a fly on the wall watching the interaction between you and your child, would you want to have you as a parent?
3. What could make things better while still maintaining the goal of being an effective parent?
4. What one thing will you do today to improve the bank balance with each of your children (note – the choice for each child may be different)
5. Please post a comment on our blog and tell us how you’re doing.
6. Check out our website resource section – there is a bibliography listing books that you may find useful (we did) and articles and podcasts that may help.

We encourage you to find ways to enjoy your kids – the old adage that ‘they grow up so fast’ is true and they do move on (and move out…) leaving a sense of nostalgia for the days when they were young and possibly even a wish for the clock to roll back.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Is Your Conflict BlueprintTM Working For You???

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

As I was growing up there were many times when I found myself thinking “If I was a mom, I would never do (or say) THAT to my children..”. And then one day when I actually had children of my own and things were not going well, I opened my mouth and out came all those things that I had naively sworn I would never say. It was not one of my more ‘stellar’ moments and when I realized what had happened, I was devastated. How could I have inflicted on my wonderful innocent children the same hurtful words that had been said to me? And to be honest, it happened not once but many times throughout my parenting years.

Well, life goes on and my children appear to have survived those days – and I did too. However it started me wondering why rational and intelligent adults can find themselves saying and doing things that are not particularly wise, logical or helpful. As a professional mediator, I often work with people struggling to deal with the difficult and stressful situations in which they find themselves – at home, at work or in their personal lives. People will describe their reactions during the conflict and then say things like “Once I thought about it, I realized that I could have done things differently and it would have changed everything”, or “I always avoid conflict – and then I kick myself later for not standing up for myself”, or “I know fighting doesn’t solve anything but when my buttons get pushed, I just react”. So why do we get caught up in these habitual reactions that often do not work rather than doing what we know would be more constructively helpful?

Humans are creatures of ‘habit’ - actions or thoughts that are ingrained in our behaviour patterns through repetition. The more often we think it or do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our personal operating procedures. So take my beliefs about conflict and add my habitual behaviour patterns in conflict situations and that creates my default Conflict BlueprintTM that drives my instinctive (and often involuntary) responses to conflict when it erupts.

So where did this Conflict BlueprintTM come from? The short answer is that it has been carefully developed over the course of our life time. As we move through our lives we learn from each conflict situation we encounter. Each entry is carefully filed away in our brain and contributes to our Blueprint – either positively or negatively (or both!). Children are influenced primarily by the key adults in their lives – and each adult has a Conflict BlueprintTM that they will selflessly (and often unconsciously) share with the children in their care. Children are fast learners and don’t necessarily pick up on the habits and attributes adults would prefer them to choose!

However, our Blueprint has only as much power as we choose to give it and if we don’t like it, we can change it! So if I have habitually avoided conflict, always given in to the other person or aggressively defended my point of view and I now realize that this is not getting me the results I want – I have the power to make changes to that blueprint. Awareness of its existence and the ability to critically analyze it and decide what to keep and what to change is the first step. This means accepting that I choose my actions and behaviour – in all situations. This can be a tough pill to swallow, because it’s so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility myself. The second step is to honestly (and objectively) assess what beliefs and habits are operating. This means being totally honest about what I do – not what I’d like to believe I do. Step three is to create new and more constructive habits and beliefs and put them into action. This is tough to do and requires determination and focus plus a willingness to invest the necessary energy to change long-standing habitual patterns. A supportive counselor or mentor can help create a realistic action plan and provide support and accountability!

In our current world, the ability to resolve conflict effectively is becoming increasingly recognized as a valuable attribute. If your Conflict BlueprintTM is supporting you in your efforts to resolve conflicts constructively, then it is actually supporting your success. If not, then change is possible and it may be helpful to remember that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again – and expect different results!!

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.