Saturday, 17 November 2012
The Escalating Conflict Between Israelis and Palestinians
by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
16 November 2012
I have watched with concern and despair the way things are escalating between Israelis and Palestinians over the past few days, weeks and even months. And I am worried about where you are choosing to go - both individually and collectively.
There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight - it is the grass that suffers the most”. This situation is no different – children, elders, families, communities and fighters on both sides are being forced to pay an unacceptably high price for the decisions being made by governments and militant / military groups. And from reading people’s posts on FB and in the media including Twitter, there are a lot of people running around trying to outdo the other side in justifying why we HAVE to fight back, how DANGEROUS and NASTY and UNFAIR the OTHERS are acting – and how our reaction is RIGHT and JUST and REASONABLE – and trying to recruit support from the global community for THEIR side.
I am going to be totally blunt here – Every single one of you is RIGHT and every single one of you is WRONG in equal measure. You are right that your side has suffered. You are right that people have been hurt. You are right that this situation is unfair, unjustified and unjustifiable. And you are right that some of the choices that have been made will not stand up to the test of historical analysis in the future.
And you are WRONG to think that your suffering gives you the right to keep hurting others, that the choices being made to retaliate and escalate the fight will do anything more than create more hurt, more fear and more trauma – for everyone on every side. And if there is ever going to be peace, IT HAS TO STOP. Somewhere, somehow people will have to reach the point where the situation is no longer tolerable and they choose to stand up and collectively say “ENOUGH ALREADY!! We are tired of our children crying. We are tired of our people dying. We are tired of living in fear. We want peace and we want it now.” No more excuses and no more waiting for the OTHER side to take the first step. Each person has a responsibility to take action.
War is a choice – and it solves nothing.
So I am sitting here agonizing over how I can help and what I can write that will adequately express what is in my heart. I ask you to read this with the most open mind you can manage. And I ask you to accept these comments with all my love and support for you on all sides of this conflict.
I spend my professional life helping people who are angry, hurt, frustrated and afraid resolve complex, difficult conflicts. I would like to share some things I have learned.
Every conflict is like a dance – every action we take, every choice that we make influences what others see and what they choose to do. Nothing happens in isolation and no one involved is a bystander. Everyone who is there owns some part of what happens – and everyone bears responsibility at some level for the outcome.
My Grandmother – a very wise elder once told me that there are 3 sides to every story about every disagreement – your side, my side and what really happened – which is generally somewhere in the middle.
We are very good at creating a story that makes us feel that what we are doing is ok, that it is perfectly justified and acceptable – after all, look what THEY are doing to us! Look at the nasty, mean and totally unjustified actions THEY are taking – so of course it’s ok to fight back. And we focus on how many times they have hit us, how many rocks they have thrown and how much we have been hurt… and we totally ignore how many times we have hit them, how many stones we have thrown, how many walls we have built or how many things we have done to add fuel to the fire. After all, we tell ourselves – we were only protecting ourselves, we have the right to defend ourselves and it’s all their fault and if we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will protect us???
And so the stories get bigger and bigger and we keep adding more details and more examples of the wrongness of the 'others' as we strive to rationalize the choices we make and the actions we take. The problem is that this is a recipe for escalation and for disaster – and everyone is doing it.
It is so very easy to get caught up in the feeding frenzy of rationalization, self-justification and feeling victimized. So long as each side believes that their story is the RIGHT story and that they own the one and only TRUTH - then it is unlikely they will see any point in listening to anyone else because, in their own mind, anyone who has a different perspective or story would be WRONG so why bother listening - the other side has nothing of value to share. And so it continues…
The problem is that as an individual when I get caught in this trap, I lose my ability to objectively assess what I am doing, what my actions are causing and how I am contributing to the situation. And this is where I am very WRONG and my choices become part of the problem, not part of the solution. When this happens in groups, the escalation is even greater as ‘group-think’ becomes ‘group justification’.
This is not what I want for you my friends… I was so inspired when I met a fantastic group of Palestinians and Israelis in Jordan who were working to find ways to build peace – I have told thousands of people in Canada and the US and Europe about this group – Wounded Crossing Borders. A group of people of different nationalities, different backgrounds and different cultures who represent every side of the conflict – and who frequently disagree, who have all been hurt but who were willing to persist in finding constructive ways to build bridges instead of walls, to listen to each other and to start trying to understand. This is the stuff of inspirational history – the kinds of stories that are passed down from generation to generation like the stories of Muslims and Germans who hid Jews during the Holocaust, who risked their own lives to save others. I see the work you are doing together to be at the same level – the kind of inspiring leadership that makes a difference in the world and without which our society is in peril. And I now know that there are many other groups that are doing similar work - which gives me hope.
But it is not easy work and it takes huge amounts of courage to do this - to move beyond the ‘easy road’ of just getting angry, reacting and condemning the other side to being willing to see the situation through 'new eyes' - not just recognizing what is going on but actually being willing to change our reactions - to trust where we would not have trusted before, to speak up where we would have stayed silent, to give someone the benefit of the doubt when we would normally have condemned them, to recognize the hurt and fear others' have when we would normally focus on our own and ignore theirs...
And because right now as things escalate, all this work seems to be getting lost. Hurt, fear and anger are running the show rather than empathy, objectivity and rationality - and that means choices being made based, not on objective rational decisions but emotional responses that will not be in anyone’s best interest in the long term.
It is so tempting to want to get back at those we see causing the fear and hurt - especially if we see people we love (families, children, friends etc) being hurt too... it adds to the escalation because we can now rationalize retaliation as a way of making the other side PAY for what they are perceived to have done...
And so in our efforts to heroically deal with the problems we see, we often use strategies and tactics that are much the same as those we hate others using against us... You throw a rock at me and I now believe that I can throw a stone at you - and that because rocks have been thrown already – it makes it ok.
It’s not. But it is also the toughest time to act with empathy... because empathy does not feel as good as righteous revenge... and it's harder to explain and justify empathy to those around us too... And revenge is easier to sell to others as a strategy as it's usually seen as taking action, 'doing something to right the wrongs' and the strong way to act. But this is the time when it matters the most and when we need to dig deep within ourselves to find our humanity - because we need that empathy more now than ever.
I have learned in mediation that 2 things are needed before people will be able to resolve a situation –
1. There needs to be a recognition that the story we have told ourselves is incomplete – that we don't know everything that has happened and
2. There needs to be a willingness to hear what the other(s) have to say - and if it makes sense to be influenced by what we have heard from them.
Without those 2 things any kind of resolution will be extremely difficult to achieve... because everyone is stuck in their story and afraid to admit it might not be true because then they would lose face and let down their ‘side’.
The reality is that nobody has a copyright on ‘Truth’. Truth is a matter of perspective – is someone a freedom fighter or a terrorist? It depends on your perspective and it is totally subjective. However I am the only person who owns what I choose to do, the actions I choose to take and whether I am working constructively to try to help or whether I choose to add fuel to the fire.
We need to find ways to build empathy for each other. If we have empathy for each other – although we may not agree with each other, we will not hurt each other.
There are no victims in this situation. There are people with the power to choose whether they see themselves as victims or whether they see themselves as active players who have the power to make positive choices and to make a difference. While it's easier to stay with the mindset that this is all someone else's fault – and that THEY need to fix it and THEY need to stop it and THEY need to make it right... because if it's all THEIR fault, then I'm innocent and I have no accountability to fix things or make things right. This is a mindset which will not resolve anything. Everyone owns what is happening and nobody is blameless or innocent. So we are each responsible and we all need to take responsibility for what is happening...
While it may be more comfortable and easier to stay in that ‘victim’ mindset – it is only when we choose to become active players in working for peace that we will be able to make things right.
It would be great if we could rely on our politicians to show this kind of leadership however globally there are very few true statesmen who demonstrate this level of leadership and accountability. Instead political expediency, personal and political agendas, economics and corporate agendas are heavily influencing the political and military choices being made.
Silence does not mean acceptance – but it sends a message that we accept the choices others are making. So it is up to us, the ordinary citizens - the previously silent majority, to speak up and stand up for what we need – to shout loudly what we will accept and what we won't - and to take the actions necessary to build peace, and create respect and dignity for all.
Peace be with you all...,שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
Friday, 4 May 2012
Unprepared for Snow in Arizona!!
I was surprised (even shocked) to come over the top of a hill in Arizona and find a foot of snow on the ground... After all, Arizona has a reputation for hot dry weather and desert - so I had packed clothes for hot, dry conditions! Now here I was driving into Flagstaff where the weather was 2C (35F) dressed in shorts and sandals. I felt a bit foolish getting out of the car dressed for summer in a place that was clearly having 'winter' and realizing that my research and planning had been based on the inaccurate assumption that what happens in Phoenix applies to all of Arizona. My intention was to go rafting through the Grand Canyon and have the opportunity to see one of the most spectacular desert environments in the world... and then I discovered that the water temperature in the Colorado River would be 4C (40F). I own a dry suit, neoprene and lots of cold water paddling gear - I kayak about 10 months of the year in Canada where cold water is normal... but none of it was with me in Arizona! I found myself scrambling to find what I needed and questioning whether I would be able to even take the trip. I don't know about you - but I don't like that feeling of being unprepared... of realizing that my planning was inadequate... or realizing that my mistakes could put me in an uncomfortable (even dangerous) situation.
I was fortunate to find 2 stores still open at 7pm in Flagstaff - one was a gear store that sold wool socks ($25) and merino wool shirts ($95) and one was a bargain store that just happened to have several pairs of micro-fibre tights for $5.00 - a reasonable addition to my shorts and wools socks to keep warm! So while it wasn't a perfect outcome, it was a reasonable solution - but it cost more $$, took most of the evening and left me feeling somewhat stressed and uncertain when I had planned for relaxation... In the end, the trip was spectacular, the scenery was amazing and I was adequately warm - and next time, I plan to research more carefully!
How often do we find ourselves basing our decisions on inaccurate or incomplete information? How are our results affected when we don't 'know' what we need to know? What level of additional stress is created when we have to deal with unexpected crises?
In our organizations, it is not possible to know everything that is going on and the information we are missing can have serious implications. Of course it's hard to identify how missing information may be impacting our decisions - after all we frequently don't know what we don't know, until we find ourselves faced with the results of not knowing. However there are numerous tools and strategies we can use to help reduce the risk... There are 2 upcoming sessions in Ottawa ON Canada that are outlined below that can help.
Organization Workshop with Barry Oshry on June 7-8 - a not to be missed opportunity to learn from a leading expert in this field.
To
Register Contact Dawn Kingsbury, ODNOO
T: 613-800-4725
E: info@odnoo.org
W: http://www.odnoo.org/Default.aspx?pageId=661055&eventId=475132&EventViewMode=EventDetails
T: 613-800-4725
E: info@odnoo.org
W: http://www.odnoo.org/Default.aspx?pageId=661055&eventId=475132&EventViewMode=EventDetails
Conflict in Organizations - October 1 - an opportunity to explore the link between conflict, success and profitability - and where the "leakage" may be costing you!
Date: Friday October 1, 2012
Time: 8:30 - 4:30pm
Location: Country Inn and Suites, 578 Terry Fox Dr, Kanata ON
Cost: $369.00 + HST (before 31 July, 2012) / $447.00 starting Aug 1, 2012
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
Thursday, 29 March 2012
The Accidental Mediator
The Accidental Mediator
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
Have you ever been caught between 2 parties in a conflict and, even though it had nothing to do with you, you found yourself trying to get it resolved so you could get on with what you needed to do?
This happens regularly to real estate agents, project managers, general contractors, managers, HR Professionals etc. Try listing a house when the owners are in the middle of an acrimonious separation or divorce… Or try juggling the multiple wants, needs and expectations of all the players in a major project… Or try to help employees resolve conflict while still getting the work done and meeting the expectations of the employer… Any one of these scenarios can easily become crazy-making!
So how can you help keep things on track – both for the benefit of the parties in conflict but also to save your own sanity… and get the job done! A few tips:
Think before you start:
1. Talk to the people involved and encourage them to try to work it out on their own…
2. Be objectively honest with yourself about why you are stepping in… a need to get things moving, concern for the other people, for your own agenda or a desire to be the ‘hero’?
3. Keep that objective honesty going as you assess what you need to have happen… and what you think they need to have happen… and what the implications are if it fails…
4. Ask permission (at least informally) of the group involved to try to help - you need a mandate from them in order to do anything more than ask a few questions.
5. Work with them to set a time and place for the discussion (neutral territory is a good start…).
Tips for keeping things moving
1. Set clear guidelines for the discussion. Use them to bring the discussion back on track if it is getting heated. You can also remind people what you are trying to accomplish and the positive and negative potential consequences for doing / not doing it.
2. Give people a chance to constructively and respectfully share their perspective on the situation - ask others not to interrupt while someone is talking. Ground rules /guidelines can help here.
3. Provide an opportunity to ask questions and clarify issues once all have had their initial time to talk.
4. Help people stay focused on the issue(s) at hand and not get caught up in personal attacks – “Let’s keep our comments professional so we can keep our discussions constructive”
5. Listen for what seems to be important to each party – the real needs and interests are rarely articulated. Use these interests to help reframe the discussions in terms of what is important.
a. Statement: “And we are not made of money!” Reframe: “Sounds like from your perspective, the project needs to stay within the existing budget”
b. Statement: “I won’t work with someone who doesn’t pull their weight!” Reframe: “Sounds like you would like to feel that everyone is going to do their share of the work”
c. Statement: “If it’s going to be a shoddy job, I want nothing to do with it”. Reframe: “Sounds like your reputation is important to you and you need to be sure that what is delivered is a quality product”.
6. Use objective ‘arms-length from them’ criteria to assess the options put forward by the group. Ask for an agreement about what objective criteria would be acceptable. It is frequently easier for people to agree when the parameters being used come from someone (or group) who is credible to them.
7. Analyse the options presented and determine by consensus what will work best. If necessary write down any agreements and get everyone to sign on… Make sure the agreement is specific and outlines who will do what, when and how… and how will it be followed up.
8. Add a Plan “B” – what will they do if part of the agreement is not working? Or needs to be adjusted?
9. Congratulate them (and yourself) on resolving the issues and getting things back on track!
10. Get on with the rest of the work… and smile…
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes to think about:
1. When you find yourself caught in the middle of conflict that belongs to others, how do you typically respond?
2. What would be the easiest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
3. What would be the hardest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
4. How can you minimize the impact of other people's conflict on you personally?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
Have you ever been caught between 2 parties in a conflict and, even though it had nothing to do with you, you found yourself trying to get it resolved so you could get on with what you needed to do?
This happens regularly to real estate agents, project managers, general contractors, managers, HR Professionals etc. Try listing a house when the owners are in the middle of an acrimonious separation or divorce… Or try juggling the multiple wants, needs and expectations of all the players in a major project… Or try to help employees resolve conflict while still getting the work done and meeting the expectations of the employer… Any one of these scenarios can easily become crazy-making!
So how can you help keep things on track – both for the benefit of the parties in conflict but also to save your own sanity… and get the job done! A few tips:
Think before you start:
1. Talk to the people involved and encourage them to try to work it out on their own…
2. Be objectively honest with yourself about why you are stepping in… a need to get things moving, concern for the other people, for your own agenda or a desire to be the ‘hero’?
3. Keep that objective honesty going as you assess what you need to have happen… and what you think they need to have happen… and what the implications are if it fails…
4. Ask permission (at least informally) of the group involved to try to help - you need a mandate from them in order to do anything more than ask a few questions.
5. Work with them to set a time and place for the discussion (neutral territory is a good start…).
Tips for keeping things moving
1. Set clear guidelines for the discussion. Use them to bring the discussion back on track if it is getting heated. You can also remind people what you are trying to accomplish and the positive and negative potential consequences for doing / not doing it.
2. Give people a chance to constructively and respectfully share their perspective on the situation - ask others not to interrupt while someone is talking. Ground rules /guidelines can help here.
3. Provide an opportunity to ask questions and clarify issues once all have had their initial time to talk.
4. Help people stay focused on the issue(s) at hand and not get caught up in personal attacks – “Let’s keep our comments professional so we can keep our discussions constructive”
5. Listen for what seems to be important to each party – the real needs and interests are rarely articulated. Use these interests to help reframe the discussions in terms of what is important.
a. Statement: “And we are not made of money!” Reframe: “Sounds like from your perspective, the project needs to stay within the existing budget”
b. Statement: “I won’t work with someone who doesn’t pull their weight!” Reframe: “Sounds like you would like to feel that everyone is going to do their share of the work”
c. Statement: “If it’s going to be a shoddy job, I want nothing to do with it”. Reframe: “Sounds like your reputation is important to you and you need to be sure that what is delivered is a quality product”.
6. Use objective ‘arms-length from them’ criteria to assess the options put forward by the group. Ask for an agreement about what objective criteria would be acceptable. It is frequently easier for people to agree when the parameters being used come from someone (or group) who is credible to them.
7. Analyse the options presented and determine by consensus what will work best. If necessary write down any agreements and get everyone to sign on… Make sure the agreement is specific and outlines who will do what, when and how… and how will it be followed up.
8. Add a Plan “B” – what will they do if part of the agreement is not working? Or needs to be adjusted?
9. Congratulate them (and yourself) on resolving the issues and getting things back on track!
10. Get on with the rest of the work… and smile…
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes to think about:
1. When you find yourself caught in the middle of conflict that belongs to others, how do you typically respond?
2. What would be the easiest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
3. What would be the hardest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
4. How can you minimize the impact of other people's conflict on you personally?
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Transforming Toxic Workplaces
It is unusual to hear anyone say “I am so lucky, I work in the world’s worst workplace!” Given the choice, the majority of people would prefer a workplace that is healthy, productive and where they can relax and focus on getting the job done.
But toxicity is not unusual in workplaces! And it can be overwhelming, frustrating and challenging particularly when it seems it’s being ignored. The stress can have a significant impact on our health and ability to focus. Is it hopeless? I would say ‘NO’ – it can be fixed but like many other areas of our lives we are not willing to invest in changing until we hit a pain point where things are bad enough that the situation can no longer be ignored. At that point it is more likely that the group is willing to make the changes necessary. And change is possible – we have helped many groups turn things around and create healthier working environments from toxic and difficult situations.
Check out CBC radio’s Ontario Today on Thursday March 22 for Ruth’s interview with Rita Celli on moving from “toxic” to “healthy”.
To listen in the Ottawa Canada area… CBC Ottawa 91.5 FM;
To listen Online: www.cbc.ca/ontariotoday
To call in: 1-888-817-8995
But toxicity is not unusual in workplaces! And it can be overwhelming, frustrating and challenging particularly when it seems it’s being ignored. The stress can have a significant impact on our health and ability to focus. Is it hopeless? I would say ‘NO’ – it can be fixed but like many other areas of our lives we are not willing to invest in changing until we hit a pain point where things are bad enough that the situation can no longer be ignored. At that point it is more likely that the group is willing to make the changes necessary. And change is possible – we have helped many groups turn things around and create healthier working environments from toxic and difficult situations.
Check out CBC radio’s Ontario Today on Thursday March 22 for Ruth’s interview with Rita Celli on moving from “toxic” to “healthy”.
To listen in the Ottawa Canada area… CBC Ottawa 91.5 FM;
To listen Online: www.cbc.ca/ontariotoday
To call in: 1-888-817-8995
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Election Campaigns, Attack ads and Leadership by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
It’s election time in Ontario Canada and as voters we are again being treated to an ongoing series of attack ads comprised of nasty innuendoes, insults, mudslinging and name calling on TV and radio. While I understand the need for party leaders and candidates to differentiate themselves from their opponents, the maliciousness, low blows and targeted negativity that some appear to feel is acceptable behavior demonstrates a lack of respect for voters and for others involved in the political process.
The ongoing acrimony between some of the candidates in this election is a distraction from the serious issues facing the province today. And it’s frustrating for citizens who are looking for solid and credible leadership and clarity on what is planned by each candidate.
But isn’t this just what citizens should expect when there is a volatile political race underway? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?
It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??
And most importantly, what is voter reaction to this as a strategy?
When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are ok with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.
In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.
If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that built credibility rather than trashing it. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill, JF Kennedy or Jack Layton succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations, misinformation innuendo to make their point. Yet we seem subjected to a steady stream of this in our current political climate – at all levels of government.
What are the long term implications?
There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty or nasty political campaign based on is the serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions.
But isn’t this just what citizens should expect when there is a volatile political race underway? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?
It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??
And most importantly, what is voter reaction to this as a strategy?
When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are ok with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.
In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.
If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that built credibility rather than trashing it. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill, JF Kennedy or Jack Layton succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations, misinformation innuendo to make their point. Yet we seem subjected to a steady stream of this in our current political climate – at all levels of government.
What are the long term implications?
There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty or nasty political campaign based on is the serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions.
We have a crying need for frank and candid discussions and serious collaboration to solve the many crises facing us at a local, regional, national and global level. This means tough major decisions required to at all levels of government to move us forward into the next decades. When those discussions get mired in nastiness and the focus of the discussions is lost, we all lose.
When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?
So as voters choose which candidate they will support in this or any election, that choice is influenced not only by how candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also what happens between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for me and I believe for many other voters!
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?
So as voters choose which candidate they will support in this or any election, that choice is influenced not only by how candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also what happens between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for me and I believe for many other voters!
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
For more information contact:
Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
Phone: 613-256-3852
Cell: 613-298-8105
Email: rsirman@canmediate.com
Website: www.canmediate.com
Friday, 22 July 2011
Transforming Conflict in the Middle East
"If we want to have peace we must talk with our enemies. There is no need to talk with our friends - we already have peace with them" - this was said to me by an Palestinian ex-freedom fighter as we walked together to the bus at the close of the Opening Ceremonies of the Transforming Conflict Conference in Amman Jordan last night. (www.cbiworld.org). He had arrived in Amman earlier in the day with a group of Israeli Jews and Palestinians who work together to try to reduce conflict and bring peace between their countries.They are part of a group of Jews, Muslims and Christians from more than 12 countries who are spending 4 days talking together about their pain, their fears, their hopes. While they have been difficult conversations in many cases, at the same time they have been respectful and constructive conversations. And the questions being raised are similar for all sides:
The conference continues in Amman and the discussions will go on as well...
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of a situation of deep-rooted intractable conflict in the world:
1. What is the cost of that conflict?
2. What have you been told - by the media, by your friends and neighbors about the situation?
3. How accurate is the information? How objective? What is the cost of filtered, inaccurate or incomplete information?
4. What can you do to start making a difference in your corner of the world?
- How do we acknowledge and reconcile the hurt and the pain caused by both sides?
- How do we create a better and safer future for our children?
- How do we get our respective governments to listen to the people and stop the aggression?
- How can we find solutions to the seemingly insurmountable problems between Israel and Palestine?
- What actions can I take as one person (Muslim, Jew, Christian) that will make a difference?
- How do we help our people to heal, so we can move forward without the pain?
The conference continues in Amman and the discussions will go on as well...
Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of a situation of deep-rooted intractable conflict in the world:
1. What is the cost of that conflict?
2. What have you been told - by the media, by your friends and neighbors about the situation?
3. How accurate is the information? How objective? What is the cost of filtered, inaccurate or incomplete information?
4. What can you do to start making a difference in your corner of the world?
Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!
For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.
Monday, 11 July 2011
When Conflict Makes Us Crazy!
When things happen to us we have choices we can make:
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus?
If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com.
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:
- get angry or hurt,
- tell ourselves a story about how unfair this is,
- get caught up in the drama and tell others about our misfortune
- go on a blamestorming binge and demonize the person or group we believe have caused us this grief
- make choices or take action to rectify the situation which frequently includes some type of retribution against the guilty party(ies) or withdrawal / pulling back to protect ourselves from any further harm.
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.
The broader system view provides us with the potential to:
- understand what is going on for others,
- to step back from elevating assumptions to the level of fact (and then acting on those assumptions
- to avoid getting hooked and derailed by the story we have told ourselves
- maintain our focus on our priorities and doing what is necessary to achieve our goals and objectives
- continue to work collaboratively with others in our system to achieve success
The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus?
If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com.
Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!
For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.
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