The Conflict Resolution Workout!! by Ruth Sirman: Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!! by Ruth Sirman: Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

Life in the DIS-Comfort Zone!

Have you ever noticed that there is a relationship between exercising your brain and the break-down of your comfort zone? Or maybe it’s more that as we learn new things and begin to integrate them into our lives those new ideas tend to push us out of our comfort zone and into a new way of looking at the world. I went to a seminar today – The 2008 Powerhose Sales and Networking Event put on by Colleen Francis of Engage Selling (http://www.engageselling.com/) and I found myself rubbing up against the rough edges of my comfort zone. This was not a bad thing!

I run a business. I am a mediator and a trainer but I am also a business person whose primary role is to create business opportunities for myself and those who work for me to use our mediation and training skills to help our clients. I have been told that I am good at what I do – as a mediator and a trainer and I freely admit – I love what I do. However, I have also come to realize that if I want to continue to do those things, I need to become a proficient business person who can generate the volume of business that will create the opportunities I desire. This means learning to write proposals, develop marketing plans, hire staff, read financial statements, meet clients and close deals. I can pay others to do many of these things but even if I am not the person actually doing the work, I need to understand enough of the business side of things to make sound decisions, know when I am getting good advice (and when I am NOT) and to strategically take the business in a direction that will maximize its success (client service and satisfaction, profitability and fun) for those of us who work here!

As I listened to the various speakers Colleen lined up for our learning pleasure today, I found myself reflecting on where I am today compared to where I was when I started this business in 1996. I had found a profession that I fell in love with and which provided me with the opportunities to get paid for doing what I would love to do! What more could anyone ask for… however, the business reality was an unexpected adventure.

Mediation can be a tough profession – clients are typically upset with each other (and that often carries over to their relationship with you, the mediator), every case is different so the ongoing learning curve is steep and constant and your professional reputation often hinges on the level of success you achieve in your first few mediations – no pressure there!! All of that I could handle – I actually found myself thriving on that… but nobody told me when I started in to this that I would also have to learn to sell.

The sales profession is not an area that I have much experience with – at least not in the formal sense of business selling. While I believe that we spend most of our lives selling – our ideas, agendas, goals, expectations and plans – to those we interact with, our families, co-workers, bosses, neighbours, team mates etc. over the years I have convinced myself that I cannot sell. And that is a disaster for a business owner. If you believe you can’t sell, how can you market your products or services to the clients who need them? How can you create enough business to make your company financially viable let alone profitable? And ultimately, how long can you stay in business without the capacity to generate new clients and keep the old ones.

So several years ago, I came to the conclusion that I either had to master this selling thing – or go out of business and go back to a T-4 income working for someone else. Now I have been self-employed long enough to know that it would not be easy to make that transition and that I would have a significant level of pity for anyone who had the misfortune to become my boss… because I have honed that entrepreneurial independence that does not ‘fit’ well with the title ‘employee’. So my latest learning journey has taken me into business and sales focused learning opportunities. And today I have learned a few more tools to add to my sales repertoire. I have learned that:
- Selling is about consistently doing the small things that may seem unimportant – but mean the difference between a good sales person and a top sales performer. Things like emotionally engaging with your prospective clients and staying in front of your clients – on a regular basis
- It’s important to know your market and your audience – who is that ideal client and – in particular, finding ways to market to women and men that suit the female and male style of doing business
- I need to know myself – where is my brilliance and how can I market that brilliant expertise to the people who will be most interested and who need it
- I need to become a visible expert in the areas that reflect my brilliance – so that my ideal customers find it easy to find me
- I need to convince myself to let go of the areas that I do well – but less brilliantly so that I can leverage my time and energy to make the most of the top talents I have…
- I need to find creative ways to bring the services I offer to the clients who need them – in a timely, consistent and cost-effective fashion
- I need to stay connected with the world of technology so that I will know what is available, how things are changing and how I can use these new tools to my business advantage
- I need to be prepared to make the most of the adventure of learning, failing, falling and growing so that at the end of the day I can look back and say with a huge smile and in all honesty – ‘That was a fun and exhilarating ride – and I would do it again in a minute!’
- And mostly – I need to believe in myself and surround myself with those whose success I can learn from and whose positive energy will help me to stay focused and on track in order to achieve the success I desire

Much of this is way out of my comfort zone – but one thing I have learned from 12 years in this business is that the farther out of my comfort zone I move, the greater the opportunities I encounter and the more I learn. So as my Grandmother once said “Keep learning – don’t ever stop - because the day you stop learning is the day you die. Even though your body may still be moving, your brain will be gone.” Thanks Grandma… I plan to do just that!

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What habits have you acquired that are keeping you stuck in your comfort zone?
2. What is the cost to you of being stuck there? in your personal life? your business / work life?
3. Who or what has the capacity or ability to nudge / push / fling you out into that discomfort zone where learning and growth take place?
4. What is your personal learning plan for the next week? 30 days? 90 days? 1 year? long term?
5. What is your personal action plan for the next week? 30 days? 90 days? 1 year? long term?

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

I watched the 'Off the Streets' segment of CBC’s The National with great interest. Homelessness, like many other challenges we face as a society is a complex and multi-faceted problem that can seem overwhelming to solve. While there are no simple solutions to these types of problems, it was refreshing to see the comprehensive and collaborative approach that has been taken by the Portland team of organizations and individuals who are making this work – and making a difference in the lives of those who are often marginalized on many levels. As a mediator, I often find that people shy away from tackling the tough problems they face as they can't figure out where to start and they don't want to make the situation worse. Part of our job is to help people find ways to work together to solve tough problems. There are no conflicts or problems that we as a society cannot solve when we are willing and able to work together. I see this all the time with the organizations, communities and workplaces with whom we work - when frustration and anger are replaced by a willingness to explore the multitude of factors that are contributing to a problem, confront the issues constructively and put their collective knowledge, wisdom and experience to work to find ‘solutions that WORK!!!’ I hope that other communities will find both the grass roots drive and the political will to create similar success stories for the challenging problems confronting us – crime, the environment, hunger, bullying, conflict and more… My grandmother used to remind us constantly that ‘None of us is as smart as all of us’. Thank you for showcasing a prime example of collaboration and constructive problem solving at work!

Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about:
1. What problems in your world are too big for you to handle alone?
2. Who else has a stake in this problem?
3. What conversations do you need to have with these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
4. What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of starting a productive discussion?
5. What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?
My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words!!
Create an awesome week!

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

What's Buried Under the 'Snow' in Your World?

It’s raining today and the massive snow banks are starting to melt. It’s that time of year when things that have been buried begin to reappear… wet, mucky and not necessarily in the same shape they were when they got buried… In the spring the countryside has a dirty, messy, cluttered look to it that can be depressing. Isn’t this a similar dynamic to what happens in situations where there are problems that have not been cleaned up / resolved properly? We often leave things unresolved and unfinished and then life happens… and those unfinished and unresolved ‘things’ can get buried under life’s new issues and challenges… but just like the detritus buried under the snow, they don’t go away! And unlike the garbage on the lawn they don’t just sit there waiting for the snow to melt, when it’s unresolved issues / conflicts that get buried, they will fester and grow until they burst through the covering blanket of the present…

Spring is a time of rebirth and a time of new beginnings! In order for spring to happen though, the new growth has to be able to get past all the muck left from the previous seasons… That can be a big challenge. In conflict situations, in order to get past the litter that has accumulated from all the past interactions there has to be a willingness to pick up the residual ‘stuff’ that is hidden and deal with it in a constructive fashion. Any effort to move forward without the willingness to address the underlying issues will create a shaky future – built on the shifting sands of past unresolved problems! This does not mean getting stuck in the past but it does mean creating a constructive environment in which the issues that need to be addressed get addressed and people are provided with a well set up and well run process that provides them with the opportunity to examine the factors that have contributed to the evolution of the current reality and find constructive and productive means of resolving these factors. This can be a daunting challenge when people are caught in the paralyzing negative energy of fear, frustration and angst. It is unrealistic to assume that a group can move beyond this paralysis without help! With the appropriate help and support, people have an incredible Power to Resolve the conflicts they face, providing they are willing to invest the time, energy and resources to clean up the mess and open the way for new growth and change.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
Take a few minutes and analyze your situation as objectively as possible:
1. What is hidden under the snow in your world? (old issues, fights, assumptions, hurts...)
2. Who else is a player in these past situations?
3. What costs have these unresolved issues created for you? For others?
4. What impact has this had on you? Your family?
5. What could you do - even small efforts - to change the dynamics?
6. Do you need help to make it work?

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

The Slippery Slope of Procrastination

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating dealing with something that is causing you stress or angst? I found myself today putting off starting a difficult job – I cleaned up, I played computer games, I sent emails to friends, I made snacks and essentially I frittered away a good portion of the day that could have been put to much more productive use… all because I was scared to wade into something I had never done before. And so here I sit at 10:15pm doing work that has to be done but could have been done much earlier today – and beating myself up for it too!!

So why do we procrastinate? The old axiom “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today” that was preached by our parents and grandparents still rattles through my brain – I have been hearing it all my life. But I still procrastinate. I have often thought about the implications of procrastination – where does it come from? why is it so prevalent? what contributes to it? and what is the cost on a personal level, a business level and a societal level?

What procrastination really comes down to is accountability for results. I contribute to my success or failure by what I choose to do (or not do) not just in the bigger picture but hour by hour, minute by minute. Whenever I am not focused and aligned with my goals, then I will not be moving forward and so I actively contribute to maintaining the status quo in my world. The movie ‘The Secret’ talks about The Law of Attraction and how we co-create our own reality. While it makes a lot of sense, it is a scary reality for many of us. It is so much easier to blame our failures on external circumstances, other people – anywhere but where the problem belongs → squarely on our own shoulders. That is not to say that we have total control over everything that happens to us. We don’t, but we do have total control over how we choose to react in any given situation. The prisoners in concentration camps could not choose to just walk away – they did not have control over whether they stayed or went. But they did have control over how they chose to respond – and they started schools and orchestras. We may be dealing with problems that are much less severe than incarceration in a concentration camp but we still have the power to choose.

Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt talk about the power of our habits in their book “The Power of Focus” and how those habitual patterns we have developed can impede our ability to achieve the results we want and get in the way of our success. Assessing our habits is not something that we do objectively on a regular basis – but there is great power in being aware and knowing when and how we get in our own way. Their process of assessment, awareness and understanding of our habits is enlightening to say the least. And their strategies for changing those patterns that are getting in our way can help us to get back on track. We have the power to change. We have the power to succeed. We only need to draw the line in the sand and say “Enough already – this is not working” and then decide. There is immense power in decision and we have untold potential to make things happen when we take that control into our own hands and use it constructively to keep ourselves in the game.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
Success in any endeavour is typically not the result of luck, coincidence or fate, it is the result of a combination of small efforts that work together to change the current situation and create the success we want. Take a few minutes and analyze your situation:
1. What habits are holding you back?
2. What baggage is dragging you down?
3. Are you terrified? (I believe that we do our best work when we are scared stiff!!)
4. What are you doing right this minute to keep yourself in the game?
5. What small efforts / changes can you make that will bring your energy to a more positive and productive level?

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.

What is Your Leadership RQ? - Conflict Management for Leaders

Has unexpected conflict ever created serious problems in your organization?
Do 20% of your employees consume 80% of your time?
Have you ever walked away from a situation unhappy with the way you handled it? Or laid awake at night trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation?

Leadership is one of the most used words in the workplace vocabulary these days. But what does it mean? Is it where our name sits on the Org Chart? Is it the job classification category that we hold or the number of direct reports we have? Is it our vision for the organization and our capacity to take the organization in that direction? Is it the personal skills and attributes that we bring to the role that we have? Can one be a leader without the fancy office, the position title and the big salary? What influence does ‘who’ we are have on how we lead?

If we take a group of individuals and bring them together, give them a mandate and a job to do, provide some resources, develop policies and procedures and put someone in charge we have created an organization. But not every organization meets its mandate or achieves what it set out to do. What makes the difference between a group that efficiently gets the job done and one that limps along achieving mediocre results at best (and typically making excuses for the ongoing failure to produce results).

The level and style of leadership in the organization is often the tipping point between success and failure to achieve results. There are many factors that influence what is going on in an organization but few things have the potential to derail the group’s capacity to function normally like a good conflict. And unresolved or poorly resolved conflict can rapidly escalate a minor problem into a negative dynamic that can create unparalleled levels of dysfunctionality, stress, tension and disruption.

The style of leadership in managing interpersonal and organizational conflicts is a major factor influencing the way employees react when they find themselves facing problems. Every human being has a default pattern that defines our instinctive reactions in conflict situations. Most of us are unaware what that pattern is, where it came from and whether it is supporting our success or impeding it. As leaders, our level of influence in our organizations is significant. Thus our own personal Conflict Blueprint is a key factor in defining our leadership style, particularly in those times when our leadership is most important – in situations of crisis and conflict.

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.

Is Your Conflict BlueprintTM Working For You???

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

As I was growing up there were many times when I found myself thinking “If I was a mom, I would never do (or say) THAT to my children..”. And then one day when I actually had children of my own and things were not going well, I opened my mouth and out came all those things that I had naively sworn I would never say. It was not one of my more ‘stellar’ moments and when I realized what had happened, I was devastated. How could I have inflicted on my wonderful innocent children the same hurtful words that had been said to me? And to be honest, it happened not once but many times throughout my parenting years.

Well, life goes on and my children appear to have survived those days – and I did too. However it started me wondering why rational and intelligent adults can find themselves saying and doing things that are not particularly wise, logical or helpful. As a professional mediator, I often work with people struggling to deal with the difficult and stressful situations in which they find themselves – at home, at work or in their personal lives. People will describe their reactions during the conflict and then say things like “Once I thought about it, I realized that I could have done things differently and it would have changed everything”, or “I always avoid conflict – and then I kick myself later for not standing up for myself”, or “I know fighting doesn’t solve anything but when my buttons get pushed, I just react”. So why do we get caught up in these habitual reactions that often do not work rather than doing what we know would be more constructively helpful?

Humans are creatures of ‘habit’ - actions or thoughts that are ingrained in our behaviour patterns through repetition. The more often we think it or do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our personal operating procedures. So take my beliefs about conflict and add my habitual behaviour patterns in conflict situations and that creates my default Conflict BlueprintTM that drives my instinctive (and often involuntary) responses to conflict when it erupts.

So where did this Conflict BlueprintTM come from? The short answer is that it has been carefully developed over the course of our life time. As we move through our lives we learn from each conflict situation we encounter. Each entry is carefully filed away in our brain and contributes to our Blueprint – either positively or negatively (or both!). Children are influenced primarily by the key adults in their lives – and each adult has a Conflict BlueprintTM that they will selflessly (and often unconsciously) share with the children in their care. Children are fast learners and don’t necessarily pick up on the habits and attributes adults would prefer them to choose!

However, our Blueprint has only as much power as we choose to give it and if we don’t like it, we can change it! So if I have habitually avoided conflict, always given in to the other person or aggressively defended my point of view and I now realize that this is not getting me the results I want – I have the power to make changes to that blueprint. Awareness of its existence and the ability to critically analyze it and decide what to keep and what to change is the first step. This means accepting that I choose my actions and behaviour – in all situations. This can be a tough pill to swallow, because it’s so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility myself. The second step is to honestly (and objectively) assess what beliefs and habits are operating. This means being totally honest about what I do – not what I’d like to believe I do. Step three is to create new and more constructive habits and beliefs and put them into action. This is tough to do and requires determination and focus plus a willingness to invest the necessary energy to change long-standing habitual patterns. A supportive counselor or mentor can help create a realistic action plan and provide support and accountability!

In our current world, the ability to resolve conflict effectively is becoming increasingly recognized as a valuable attribute. If your Conflict BlueprintTM is supporting you in your efforts to resolve conflicts constructively, then it is actually supporting your success. If not, then change is possible and it may be helpful to remember that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again – and expect different results!!

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.