The Accidental Mediator

The Accidental Mediator


By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International



Have you ever been caught between 2 parties in a conflict and, even though it had nothing to do with you, you found yourself trying to get it resolved so you could get on with what you needed to do?



This happens regularly to real estate agents, project managers, general contractors, managers, HR Professionals etc. Try listing a house when the owners are in the middle of an acrimonious separation or divorce… Or try juggling the multiple wants, needs and expectations of all the players in a major project… Or try to help employees resolve conflict while still getting the work done and meeting the expectations of the employer… Any one of these scenarios can easily become crazy-making!



So how can you help keep things on track – both for the benefit of the parties in conflict but also to save your own sanity… and get the job done! A few tips:



Think before you start:

1. Talk to the people involved and encourage them to try to work it out on their own…

2. Be objectively honest with yourself about why you are stepping in… a need to get things moving, concern for the other people, for your own agenda or a desire to be the ‘hero’?

3. Keep that objective honesty going as you assess what you need to have happen… and what you think they need to have happen… and what the implications are if it fails…

4. Ask permission (at least informally) of the group involved to try to help - you need a mandate from them in order to do anything more than ask a few questions.

5. Work with them to set a time and place for the discussion (neutral territory is a good start…).



Tips for keeping things moving

1. Set clear guidelines for the discussion. Use them to bring the discussion back on track if it is getting heated. You can also remind people what you are trying to accomplish and the positive and negative potential consequences for doing / not doing it.

2. Give people a chance to constructively and respectfully share their perspective on the situation - ask others not to interrupt while someone is talking. Ground rules /guidelines can help here.

3. Provide an opportunity to ask questions and clarify issues once all have had their initial time to talk.

4. Help people stay focused on the issue(s) at hand and not get caught up in personal attacks – “Let’s keep our comments professional so we can keep our discussions constructive”

5. Listen for what seems to be important to each party – the real needs and interests are rarely articulated. Use these interests to help reframe the discussions in terms of what is important.

a. Statement: “And we are not made of money!” Reframe: “Sounds like from your perspective, the project needs to stay within the existing budget”

b. Statement: “I won’t work with someone who doesn’t pull their weight!” Reframe: “Sounds like you would like to feel that everyone is going to do their share of the work”

c. Statement: “If it’s going to be a shoddy job, I want nothing to do with it”. Reframe: “Sounds like your reputation is important to you and you need to be sure that what is delivered is a quality product”.

6. Use objective ‘arms-length from them’ criteria to assess the options put forward by the group. Ask for an agreement about what objective criteria would be acceptable. It is frequently easier for people to agree when the parameters being used come from someone (or group) who is credible to them.

7. Analyse the options presented and determine by consensus what will work best. If necessary write down any agreements and get everyone to sign on… Make sure the agreement is specific and outlines who will do what, when and how… and how will it be followed up.

8. Add a Plan “B” – what will they do if part of the agreement is not working? Or needs to be adjusted?

9. Congratulate them (and yourself) on resolving the issues and getting things back on track!

10. Get on with the rest of the work… and smile…

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes to think about:
1. When you find yourself caught in the middle of conflict that belongs to others, how do you typically respond?
2. What would be the easiest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
3. What would be the hardest part of helping others resolve their conflicts?
4. How can you minimize the impact of other people's conflict on you personally?


Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Transforming Toxic Workplaces

It is unusual to hear anyone say “I am so lucky, I work in the world’s worst workplace!” Given the choice, the majority of people would prefer a workplace that is healthy, productive and where they can relax and focus on getting the job done.

But toxicity is not unusual in workplaces! And it can be overwhelming, frustrating and challenging particularly when it seems it’s being ignored. The stress can have a significant impact on our health and ability to focus. Is it hopeless? I would say ‘NO’ – it can be fixed but like many other areas of our lives we are not willing to invest in changing until we hit a pain point where things are bad enough that the situation can no longer be ignored. At that point it is more likely that the group is willing to make the changes necessary. And change is possible – we have helped many groups turn things around and create healthier working environments from toxic and difficult situations.

Check out CBC radio’s Ontario Today on Thursday March 22 for Ruth’s interview with Rita Celli on moving from “toxic” to “healthy”.

To listen in the Ottawa Canada area… CBC Ottawa 91.5 FM;
To listen Online: www.cbc.ca/ontariotoday
To call in: 1-888-817-8995