Never Push A Person To The Point Where They Have Nothing To Lose...

Conflict Resolution Tip #5 - There are times when conflict seems to escalate uncontrollably - creating stress, hurt and even in cases of some conflicts - danger for those involved. And the more things escalate the more those involved can feel justified by the choices they make and the actions they take.

However, the worst possible strategy for the more powerful party in any conflict is to push the 'other' to the point where they feel they have no control over the situation because at that point they have nothing left to lose... it seems there is no way out except to fight back (and they will)... At that point those in power have created a situation where they have chosen to put themselves in jeopardy and escalated the situation unnecessarily. And if we fail to recognize our role in the situation we are deluding ourselves... and that willful blindness is an unconscionable sin against everyone involved and affected...

It's not easy - but it is critical that in this type of situation people in positions of power realize that the 'other' party may not be able to react according to what is considered normal or reasonable. That sense of being trapped and subjected to situations where the consequences are out of proportion to the infraction risks turning any human being into a reactionary who will fight for their survival.

Look at the resistance movement in WW2 and the level of commitment to 'fighting back' demonstrated by those who used any means possible to derail the German war machine. We are seeing similar resistance in many of our global conflicts these days - and we are seeing governments implementing strategies that are marketed as being necessary and justified but seem doomed to create more problems than they will solve. Part of this is that in many cases the powerful group(s) justify their attacks on the other through a victim mindset that looks only at the resistance without looking at the provocation for the resistance - and that ignores the power balance in the situation and denies the reality that the 'other' is facing - and that deflection and denial of the bigger picture is a recipe for disaster...

In a school yard if a larger, stronger individual attacks someone who is smaller / less able to fight back we call it bullying and condemn it as unreasonable, unjustified and just wrong.  On a larger global scale when governments choose strategies that attack others when it is not a level playing field feels to me like bullying on a much larger scale... and I have the sense that it feeds that sense desperation that breeds more people who are willing to resist - through whatever means they have at hand. On a global level we need to hold those countries (including our own) to account when their choices and actions create more problems than they solve.

Albert Einstein once said "Never push a loyal person until they no longer care..." I would say, never push anyone (loyal or otherwise) to the point where they have nothing to lose. It is easy to reach a tipping point where further pressure on them will escalate their response to desperation levels. And desperate people have very little to lose and a lot to gain by continuing the resistance... and even escalating it.

Ensure that everyone sees that they have some control, dignity, input and hope... and the chances for a non-violent solution increase dramatically!!! Maybe it's time to try a different strategy... Just sayin...

The Conflict Resolution Workout... 

1. Think of some of the global situations that involve serious deep rooted conflicts... 
2. What self-justifications do the group(s) in power use to justify their actions and choices?
3. How does that self-justification impede their ability to see how their actions and choices are actually escalating the conflict they say they want to resolve?
4. What will it take for both sides to step back from the stance they have taken?
5. What can you do to help?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. As a mediator and a speaker her professional practice takes her across North America and internationally working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Conflict Blueprint, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Understanding and Resolving Organizational Conflict. For more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

Canada Wins Men's Hockey Olympic Gold in Sochi 2014

T’was the morning of hockey and all through the land

All the people were cheering and waving their hands

The men played like the women, and carried the game

And won the Gold medal – as was their main aim!!

On this morning of hockey, beer and bacon in hand

The country of Canada stood with their men

In groups or alone they were glued to TV

And waited in agony to see what would be…

Their penalty kill team did its job well

And kept the Swedes skating while awaiting the bell

We cheered and we waited and agonized so

When the Swedes shot on Price but there was no goal.

Toews showed us his skill with that sneaky tip in

That caught Lundqvist off guard and started the win

And Crosby’s breakaway added another good one

And Kunitz made three and Canada won!

The team was in synch and managed to hold

The Swedes to a zero and out in the cold

The game was exciting, fast, clean and good play

And we’ll play all again 4 years from today! 

Way to go Canada!!!! 

Canada - Sweden Olympic Gold Medal Hockey Game Sochi 2014

My 2c for the Canada / Sweden hockey game in Sochi tomorrow… 

T’was the night before hockey, when all through the land

Not a creature was stirring, not even the band

The sticks and the helmets were lined up with care

While the sweat soaked equipment dried out in the air.

The players and coaches were snug in their beds,

While Cherry was shopping for brilliant gold threads…

And fans back at home set alarm clocks for 6

And those at the games tried to scrounge more tickets

While out there in Sochi, the Fins sang and cheered

While the Yanks drowned their sorrows in large pots of beer

See the Fins won the Bronze at a game played today

When they scored their 5 goals on great power plays

And the Yanks had some trouble with their play and their aim

And eventually lost 5 to nothing the game

And now they go home with no medals to bring

And Canada trumps the USA yet again

Fourth place in the world’s not bad but it seems

That nothing but Gold was ok for their team

So do we win Silver or Bronze or lose Gold?

It’s a question that seems to never grow old…

So the Swedes and Canucks will play for the Gold

And hope that they win so the Gold they will hold

And back here in Canada we’ll cheer for the men

And hope that they play as well as the women

So play like the girls, skilled, hard and so fast

And make us all proud when you meet for the last

Game in the finals and finish the story

When you bring home the Gold for the thrill and the glory

Go get ‘em, Canada!!!

RS

Bullying and The Challenge of Stopping It...

By Ruth Sirman and Julie Lowry

There are many old proverbs / truisms / adages that talk about how we should interact with others. We are brought up to ‘treat others the way we want to be treated’, be kind and respectful and not bully others. The reality is that bullying, disrespect and nastiness are common – and they cost us individually and collectively.

And sometimes we say one thing and do the opposite. I wonder what message our kids get when we tell them they need to be respectful but they witness adults and public figures being negative, mean-spirited and nasty.
 When we harass or attack others it is common to rationalize our actions to deal with the cognitive dissonance / discomfort created when we do something that is not congruent with our values, beliefs and stated expectations. We see many examples of this – when parents make nasty comments to their kids or teachers put a child down in front of the class or when colleagues say one thing to someone’s face but then are disrespectful behind their back. Evidence of this is everywhere and it points to a double standard that speaks to “Treat ME the way I want to be treated but I can treat you however I feel in the moment”. Other times we whitewash our nastiness by calling it something more ‘acceptable’ in an effort to disguise what it really is. 

One of the most recent political examples is the incongruence between the Canadian government’s declaration of May 1st as the National Day to end Bullying which allows for increased public awareness and demonstrates our government’s commitment to the issue.  On the other hand we have the Harper government’s current advertisement campaign that puts down new Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau. There is a dis-connect here – this seems to be a ‘do as I say but not as I do’ situation (at least as I see it). And the rationalization? Mr. Harper identifies the recent attack ads as 'political debate' which I am sure is much easier to justify than what comes across as intentional disrespectful spitefulness. 

While Mr. Harper seems to have missed this message – so have many of us… We will end bullying and harassment when we truly believe that how you do anything is how you do everything and we learn to be hard on the problems we need to address and find ways to make our points without disparaging others.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Take a moment to consider: 

1. When have you seen people say one thing and do the opposite?
2. What impact does it have on relationships? credibility? trust?
3. When have you done the same thing? (the opportunity to be objectively honest if you are willing? :) )
4. How did you rationalize the choice(s) you made?
5. How might the results have been different if you had chosen to act more constructively?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.comFor more information contact:

Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

Justin Trudeau Under Attack by the Conservatives Within Hours...

We have a new Liberal leader in Canada in Justin Trudeau and the Conservatives lost no time in treating us, the voters, to an ongoing series of attack ads comprised of partial quotes taken out of context,  insults and nastiness on TV and radio. While I understand the need for party leaders and candidates to differentiate themselves from their opponents, the maliciousness, low blows, dishonesty and targeted negativity that some appear to feel is acceptable behavior demonstrates a lack of respect for voters and for the political process itself.

What I do believe is that if a party has so little to offer that the best they can do is point out imaginary faults in their opponents then they have no business being in power. I wish politicians would explain to me how nastiness, mudslinging, exaggeration, taking quotes out of context and creating dishonest and erroneous impressions about their opponents demonstrates credibility, trustworthiness and professionalism. Because I want the people running my country to be trustworthy, credible and professional - after all they are the most visible 'face' of the country when they are in power. 

The ongoing perception of the government that we find these attacks acceptable is misguided and wrong. We don't - and as voters we are neither stupid nor likely to forget. They are a cheap distraction from the serious issues facing the province today that need to be addressed..and frustrating for citizens. We are looking for solid and credible leaders who are willing to clearly articulate clarity on how they as politicians propose to constructively handle problems in the best interests of the country (another topic for another day...).

But isn’t this just what citizens should expect in politics? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?

It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??

And most importantly, what is voter reaction to this as a strategy?

When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are OK with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.

In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.

If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that built credibility rather than trashing it. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill, JF Kennedy or Jack Layton succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations, misinformation innuendo to make their point. Yet we seem subjected to a steady stream of this in our current political climate – at all levels of government.

What are the long term implications?

There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty or nasty political campaign based on attack ads is the serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions.

We have a crying need for frank and candid discussions and serious collaboration to solve the many crises facing us at a local, regional, national and global level. This means tough major decisions required to at all levels of government to move us forward into the next decades. When those discussions get mired in nastiness and the focus of the discussions is lost, we all lose.

When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?

So as voters observe politicians (and we do...), we are influenced not only by how politicians and candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also what happens between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for me and I believe for many other voters!

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

For more information contact:
Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
T: 613.599.8177
E: rsirman@canmediate.com
W: www.canmediate.com

New Year's and Managing Internal Conflict

Most people are very kind to their friends and to their family (at least most of the time) - but we are often very unkind and harsh with ourselves. The New Year is often a time when we feel internal conflict with ourselves - that gut feeling of dissatisfaction coupled with a strong January resolve to change things and do things 'differently' and 'better' in the coming weeks and months.

Of course broken resolutions litter the landscape of February... and bring with them a sense of having failed or let ourselves down...

Let's be kind and gentle with ourselves this year and focus on being 'ok' with who we are and what we have... That's not to say we have to accept the status quo as the only way things can be... we have an amazing capacity to change and adjust our lives but when the foundation under it all is one of guilt, self-hate and self-inflicted put-downs, we need to tune-up the way we treat ourselves.

Have you ever spent time with someone who is negative, nasty and mean? Aren't they fun to be around??? Would they be your ideal traveling companion on a vacation?? - Probably NOT!! Most of us choose our friends better than that... and yet we are often nastier, meaner and more negative to ourselves than we are to our friends... and no matter how hard I try it's hard to get away from myself!!

So given that I am the only person I can guarantee I will spend my entire life with - 24/7/365 from the day I'm born until the day I die... I need to find a way to be a good traveling companion to myself...

So my challenge to you (and to myself) this January 3rd is to look for ways to minimize that internal conflict... to choose to walk away from the fight where we have to play both the villain and the victim as we beat ourselves up and to find self-acceptance, kindness and gentleness for the most important person in our lives - US!! I believe our ability to solve many of the other conflicts in our lives is directly connected to how we deal with this internal conflict... The old adage - "you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself" makes a lot of sense.

So my commitment to ME this year is to look for the best in me, to accept that I am where I am (on every level) and to be gentle and kind with myself over the things I want to change. In the long run it's healthier and I believe our success depends on it!

You are welcome to post about the challenges you see for yourself in this area... Let's get a conversation going and lets support each other to build a better world for ourselves, our neighbours and our children...
Ruth

Join the conversation on Facebook! 

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about: 
1. When are you most likely to gang up on yourself? What triggers it?
2. How do you feel when you're under attack by your best friend and worst enemy - you?
3. What impact does this internal battle have on you? On your relationships at home and at work?
4. What would it be like to feel comfortable with yourself as you are?
5. What is 1 small change you could make that would let you be kinder and gentler to yourself?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Building peace between Israelis and Palestinians...

Now that the rockets and the bombs have stopped the hard part of this conflict between Israelis and Palestinians is beginning. How to keep the peace in the short term? How to build peace in the longer term?

I believe that one of the greatest challenges we all face as human beings is to be able to look objectively and brutally honestly not only at what others have done to me / us but more importantly what I / we have done to them.

When we have been hurt, we want the people who have hurt us to take responsibility. We want them to fix the harm they have caused and we want them to apologize and make it right. We can choose to point fingers at others and says "It is your fault" - that's blaming and it can make us feel better because then they are responsible and they are the ones that need to change.

But accountability is all about recognizing where I (and my 'group') have made mistakes and being willing to own them. We all make bad choices - it is part of being human. However when those bad choices are denied, ignored or justified by "look what they did to us" we just make the situation worse.  In this situation, everyone has been hurt. Everyone has done the hurting. And it is not a competition to see who has been hurt the most, who has suffered the most. Acknowledging the pain others carry does not diminish my pain - it allows us to share it - and that can help a lot.

Personal and group accountability demonstrates a level of courage, integrity, honesty and a willingness to trust that can open the door to the other individual or group being willing to be accountable too. It sets a constructive tone to the dialogue that says "It's ok to be honest. It's ok to admit failure. It's ok to acknowledge the mistakes you have made because I am willing to be honest, admit failure and acknowledge my mistakes too. Then we can move forward with integrity. Then we can begin to heal. Then we can acknowledge not only our own pain but the pain of others too.

Until we can be brutally honest with ourselves and see the impact of my / our choices on others we will be trapped in our victim story - and that does not help me, you or anyone else. Many people have been hurt, many have died in the past weeks, in the past months and over the years. I do not believe that we honour the memories of those who have died if we use their deaths to cause more hurt, if we do not learn from our mistakes and if we are not willing to repair the harm that has been done.

In the Christian tradition there is a verse in the Bible that says "Make sure you take the log out of your own eye before you try to remove the speck from someone else's eye." It is a wise piece of advice.

It's easy to hurl things at each other. It's easy to bury our heads in the sand and pretend our actions were justified. It's easy to blame others. But that will only perpetuate the hate and the hurt.

The Conflict Resolution Workout for everyone involved is three simple but not easy questions:

1. No matter what side you are on and without any justifying, blaming or rationalizations - What did you and your side do to them?
2. How did you personally contribute to the war and to the hurt experienced by others?
3. If you could go back and start over, what would you do differently?

When we can each answer that question with brutal honesty and without trying to cover anything up, then we are ready to build peace. Until we get to that point, we will find it very difficult to create a peace that will last.

Peace be with you all...,שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com