by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International
16 November 2012
I have watched with concern and despair the way things are escalating between Israelis and Palestinians over the past few days, weeks and even months. And I am worried about where you are choosing to go - both individually and collectively.
There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight - it is the grass that suffers the most”. This situation is no different – children, elders, families, communities and fighters on both sides are being forced to pay an unacceptably high price for the decisions being made by governments and militant / military groups. And from reading people’s posts on FB and in the media including Twitter, there are a lot of people running around trying to outdo the other side in justifying why we HAVE to fight back, how DANGEROUS and NASTY and UNFAIR the OTHERS are acting – and how our reaction is RIGHT and JUST and REASONABLE – and trying to recruit support from the global community for THEIR side.
I am going to be totally blunt here – Every single one of you is RIGHT and every single one of you is WRONG in equal measure. You are right that your side has suffered. You are right that people have been hurt. You are right that this situation is unfair, unjustified and unjustifiable. And you are right that some of the choices that have been made will not stand up to the test of historical analysis in the future.
And you are WRONG to think that your suffering gives you the right to keep hurting others, that the choices being made to retaliate and escalate the fight will do anything more than create more hurt, more fear and more trauma – for everyone on every side. And if there is ever going to be peace, IT HAS TO STOP. Somewhere, somehow people will have to reach the point where the situation is no longer tolerable and they choose to stand up and collectively say “ENOUGH ALREADY!! We are tired of our children crying. We are tired of our people dying. We are tired of living in fear. We want peace and we want it now.” No more excuses and no more waiting for the OTHER side to take the first step. Each person has a responsibility to take action.
War is a choice – and it solves nothing.
So I am sitting here agonizing over how I can help and what I can write that will adequately express what is in my heart. I ask you to read this with the most open mind you can manage. And I ask you to accept these comments with all my love and support for you on all sides of this conflict.
I spend my professional life helping people who are angry, hurt, frustrated and afraid resolve complex, difficult conflicts. I would like to share some things I have learned.
Every conflict is like a dance – every action we take, every choice that we make influences what others see and what they choose to do. Nothing happens in isolation and no one involved is a bystander. Everyone who is there owns some part of what happens – and everyone bears responsibility at some level for the outcome.
My Grandmother – a very wise elder once told me that there are 3 sides to every story about every disagreement – your side, my side and what really happened – which is generally somewhere in the middle.
We are very good at creating a story that makes us feel that what we are doing is ok, that it is perfectly justified and acceptable – after all, look what THEY are doing to us! Look at the nasty, mean and totally unjustified actions THEY are taking – so of course it’s ok to fight back. And we focus on how many times they have hit us, how many rocks they have thrown and how much we have been hurt… and we totally ignore how many times we have hit them, how many stones we have thrown, how many walls we have built or how many things we have done to add fuel to the fire. After all, we tell ourselves – we were only protecting ourselves, we have the right to defend ourselves and it’s all their fault and if we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will protect us???
And so the stories get bigger and bigger and we keep adding more details and more examples of the wrongness of the 'others' as we strive to rationalize the choices we make and the actions we take. The problem is that this is a recipe for escalation and for disaster – and everyone is doing it.
It is so very easy to get caught up in the feeding frenzy of rationalization, self-justification and feeling victimized. So long as each side believes that their story is the RIGHT story and that they own the one and only TRUTH - then it is unlikely they will see any point in listening to anyone else because, in their own mind, anyone who has a different perspective or story would be WRONG so why bother listening - the other side has nothing of value to share. And so it continues…
The problem is that as an individual when I get caught in this trap, I lose my ability to objectively assess what I am doing, what my actions are causing and how I am contributing to the situation. And this is where I am very WRONG and my choices become part of the problem, not part of the solution. When this happens in groups, the escalation is even greater as ‘group-think’ becomes ‘group justification’.
This is not what I want for you my friends… I was so inspired when I met a fantastic group of Palestinians and Israelis in Jordan who were working to find ways to build peace – I have told thousands of people in Canada and the US and Europe about this group – Wounded Crossing Borders. A group of people of different nationalities, different backgrounds and different cultures who represent every side of the conflict – and who frequently disagree, who have all been hurt but who were willing to persist in finding constructive ways to build bridges instead of walls, to listen to each other and to start trying to understand. This is the stuff of inspirational history – the kinds of stories that are passed down from generation to generation like the stories of Muslims and Germans who hid Jews during the Holocaust, who risked their own lives to save others. I see the work you are doing together to be at the same level – the kind of inspiring leadership that makes a difference in the world and without which our society is in peril. And I now know that there are many other groups that are doing similar work - which gives me hope.
But it is not easy work and it takes huge amounts of courage to do this - to move beyond the ‘easy road’ of just getting angry, reacting and condemning the other side to being willing to see the situation through 'new eyes' - not just recognizing what is going on but actually being willing to change our reactions - to trust where we would not have trusted before, to speak up where we would have stayed silent, to give someone the benefit of the doubt when we would normally have condemned them, to recognize the hurt and fear others' have when we would normally focus on our own and ignore theirs...
And because right now as things escalate, all this work seems to be getting lost. Hurt, fear and anger are running the show rather than empathy, objectivity and rationality - and that means choices being made based, not on objective rational decisions but emotional responses that will not be in anyone’s best interest in the long term.
It is so tempting to want to get back at those we see causing the fear and hurt - especially if we see people we love (families, children, friends etc) being hurt too... it adds to the escalation because we can now rationalize retaliation as a way of making the other side PAY for what they are perceived to have done...
And so in our efforts to heroically deal with the problems we see, we often use strategies and tactics that are much the same as those we hate others using against us... You throw a rock at me and I now believe that I can throw a stone at you - and that because rocks have been thrown already – it makes it ok.
It’s not. But it is also the toughest time to act with empathy... because empathy does not feel as good as righteous revenge... and it's harder to explain and justify empathy to those around us too... And revenge is easier to sell to others as a strategy as it's usually seen as taking action, 'doing something to right the wrongs' and the strong way to act. But this is the time when it matters the most and when we need to dig deep within ourselves to find our humanity - because we need that empathy more now than ever.
I have learned in mediation that 2 things are needed before people will be able to resolve a situation –
1. There needs to be a recognition that the story we have told ourselves is incomplete – that we don't know everything that has happened and
2. There needs to be a willingness to hear what the other(s) have to say - and if it makes sense to be influenced by what we have heard from them.
Without those 2 things any kind of resolution will be extremely difficult to achieve... because everyone is stuck in their story and afraid to admit it might not be true because then they would lose face and let down their ‘side’.
The reality is that nobody has a copyright on ‘Truth’. Truth is a matter of perspective – is someone a freedom fighter or a terrorist? It depends on your perspective and it is totally subjective. However I am the only person who owns what I choose to do, the actions I choose to take and whether I am working constructively to try to help or whether I choose to add fuel to the fire.
We need to find ways to build empathy for each other. If we have empathy for each other – although we may not agree with each other, we will not hurt each other.
There are no victims in this situation. There are people with the power to choose whether they see themselves as victims or whether they see themselves as active players who have the power to make positive choices and to make a difference. While it's easier to stay with the mindset that this is all someone else's fault – and that THEY need to fix it and THEY need to stop it and THEY need to make it right... because if it's all THEIR fault, then I'm innocent and I have no accountability to fix things or make things right. This is a mindset which will not resolve anything. Everyone owns what is happening and nobody is blameless or innocent. So we are each responsible and we all need to take responsibility for what is happening...
While it may be more comfortable and easier to stay in that ‘victim’ mindset – it is only when we choose to become active players in working for peace that we will be able to make things right.
It would be great if we could rely on our politicians to show this kind of leadership however globally there are very few true statesmen who demonstrate this level of leadership and accountability. Instead political expediency, personal and political agendas, economics and corporate agendas are heavily influencing the political and military choices being made.
Silence does not mean acceptance – but it sends a message that we accept the choices others are making. So it is up to us, the ordinary citizens - the previously silent majority, to speak up and stand up for what we need – to shout loudly what we will accept and what we won't - and to take the actions necessary to build peace, and create respect and dignity for all.
Peace be with you all...,
שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth
Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation
specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable
solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice
takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and
territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and
the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve
Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m
OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations
and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue,
Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com
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