Building peace between Israelis and Palestinians...

Now that the rockets and the bombs have stopped the hard part of this conflict between Israelis and Palestinians is beginning. How to keep the peace in the short term? How to build peace in the longer term?

I believe that one of the greatest challenges we all face as human beings is to be able to look objectively and brutally honestly not only at what others have done to me / us but more importantly what I / we have done to them.

When we have been hurt, we want the people who have hurt us to take responsibility. We want them to fix the harm they have caused and we want them to apologize and make it right. We can choose to point fingers at others and says "It is your fault" - that's blaming and it can make us feel better because then they are responsible and they are the ones that need to change.

But accountability is all about recognizing where I (and my 'group') have made mistakes and being willing to own them. We all make bad choices - it is part of being human. However when those bad choices are denied, ignored or justified by "look what they did to us" we just make the situation worse.  In this situation, everyone has been hurt. Everyone has done the hurting. And it is not a competition to see who has been hurt the most, who has suffered the most. Acknowledging the pain others carry does not diminish my pain - it allows us to share it - and that can help a lot.

Personal and group accountability demonstrates a level of courage, integrity, honesty and a willingness to trust that can open the door to the other individual or group being willing to be accountable too. It sets a constructive tone to the dialogue that says "It's ok to be honest. It's ok to admit failure. It's ok to acknowledge the mistakes you have made because I am willing to be honest, admit failure and acknowledge my mistakes too. Then we can move forward with integrity. Then we can begin to heal. Then we can acknowledge not only our own pain but the pain of others too.

Until we can be brutally honest with ourselves and see the impact of my / our choices on others we will be trapped in our victim story - and that does not help me, you or anyone else. Many people have been hurt, many have died in the past weeks, in the past months and over the years. I do not believe that we honour the memories of those who have died if we use their deaths to cause more hurt, if we do not learn from our mistakes and if we are not willing to repair the harm that has been done.

In the Christian tradition there is a verse in the Bible that says "Make sure you take the log out of your own eye before you try to remove the speck from someone else's eye." It is a wise piece of advice.

It's easy to hurl things at each other. It's easy to bury our heads in the sand and pretend our actions were justified. It's easy to blame others. But that will only perpetuate the hate and the hurt.

The Conflict Resolution Workout for everyone involved is three simple but not easy questions:

1. No matter what side you are on and without any justifying, blaming or rationalizations - What did you and your side do to them?
2. How did you personally contribute to the war and to the hurt experienced by others?
3. If you could go back and start over, what would you do differently?

When we can each answer that question with brutal honesty and without trying to cover anything up, then we are ready to build peace. Until we get to that point, we will find it very difficult to create a peace that will last.

Peace be with you all...,שלום עם כל מה שאתה , السلام مع جميعكم
Ruth

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com